Showing posts with label nothing better to do. Show all posts
Showing posts with label nothing better to do. Show all posts

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Proton is diversifying into car accessories.

Tuesday 31st March:

In an announcement made yesterday, Proton MD proudly announced that the national car manufacturer is diversifying into the huge car accessories market which is as yet untapped on a large scale by car manufacturers. The Proton MD confessed that a walk around Sunway one day had inspired him to suggest to the Proton management to take a plunge into this market.

"I was walking around Sunway one day and I was awestruck by how lively the auto aftermarket products scene is. There are tonnes of people modifying their cars with aftermarket products. The place is littered with turbos, superchargers, stickers and what have you. The people just like to personalise their cars, be it the engine, for more power or the body, for a distinctive look," enthused the Proton MD. "Of course, Proton is not going to manufacture turbo chargers, super chargers, exhaust pipes or aftermarket pistons, conrods and the likes, not as yet. We will start with body kits."

For a start, a new subsidiary company called Proton Body Kit (PRO-BOD) has been established. "We are starting with some nice body kits for upmarket cars like BMW and Mercedez. That is because the owners of these cars would have the means to purchase these nice upmarket kits."

"We believe PRO-BOD will take the aftermarket scene by storm. This will also ensure Proton's ability to ride out the current economic meltdown,", said he.


The PRO-BOD's Brabust Body Kit Series. Only for serious enthusiasts.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

a pedant's first paragraph

It was a dark and stormy night. It was so dark, the darkness of which you would have never seen. But of course, come to think about it, one could never see darkness. Lest it would not be dark. Or dark enough. And the darkness of this particular night is one of those. It was a type of darkness that one could not even see one's palm even if one holds it up an inch from one's eyes. Really dark. Pitch black dark. And there was nary a ray of light. None. Absolutely none. Not a single teeny weeny bit of light anywhere. The sky was black. No star. No moon. Hence the total darkness that night. I did a test. I closed my eyes and then I opened them. It was the same. The sight was absolutely totally the same as when my eyes were closed and when they were opened. I could not see anything. It was that dark. But to say the sight was the same would imply that there was a sight or an ability to see. The truth was there was no sight at all. I could not see anything. Because the night was so dark. Pitch black dark. And it was stormy too. Well, not really a storm. No. Not really. It was raining heavily. And the wind was blowing. Not the kind of wind which would be classified as a storm. Just strong wind. The kind which would make the tree branches sway left and right, up and down. Not the kind which would cause the lamp posts to fly or the trees to be uprooted though. It was a strong wind. But not a particularly strong wind as to qualify it to be a storm. Stormy it might be. But definitely not a storm. The rain was heavy, although it was not the kind of rain which would cause a flood in a minute or two. Heavy. But not overly heavy. It wasn't really a storm then. It was just a heavy rain with a not particularly strong wind. In other word, it was a mild storm. Very mild storm. Thunders could be heard of and on from afar. And although the thunders were not particularly loud, the darkness of the night made them sound more pronounced that they actually were. In actual fact, they were not even sufficient to jolt me out of my sleep, if I were asleep. That kind of thunder. Occasionally, there would be lightning bolts. Which would light up the nights as and when it happened. Well then, it wasn't really a dark and stormy night. It was a dark night, littered with lightning bolts - which would illuminate the night with lights - and stormy, in a not very stormy way, night.

I had to leave the place fast. I walked briskly. Well, I was almost running actually. Not a sprint but.....

Friday, January 9, 2009

iS tHIs sOnG lIKe hAppEnINg oR sOMeTHIN'?


Hey yawl. Like wazzup dude? Like waz are yawl up to dood? I been listenin' a lot lately. Like listening to MP3 and my iPod stuffs like that. But lately it got me thinkin' you know, this chix Avril, is she happening or what?

I dunno man. But they say she's a punk rocker. Well, I like, like tawdally man, I like have a bit of problem with that. I mean, if she's a punk how could she be a rawker man. My dad told me that's not possible dood. And then like, if she's a rocker how could she be a punk ey? I mean, like punk rocker. Isn't that like so mixed up like Obama or somethin'? I dunno man. Yawl tell me. But she's one hot gal man. I must say. Like, yo man, she's hawt or what?

This song you know, I'm with you thingy. Wadayawl think about it ey? I think it's oh so crap dood. I mean, that song like make no sense man. No sense. Like toawdally dood. So not happening man.

Like first she says:

"I'm standing on a bridge,
I'm waiting in the dark,
I thought that you'd be here by now

Fine dood. That's okay by me. I mean, she waz like, waiting on a bridge. But why on a bridge? Nemind man. She waited on a bridge. Then she says:

"There's nothing but the rain,
No footsteps on the ground,
I'm listening but there's no sound

Is she like deaf or somethin' dood? No sound? It must have been a really small drizzle dood. Must be. Or like there would be sound otherwise, no? And then how would there be footsteps on the ground when she was waiting on the bridge dood? I have problem man. This is like so out of my area man.

"Isn't anyone tryin to find me?
Won't somebody come take me home?"

Like why would anyone try to find her dood? I mean she's hot and all that. I know. But when she's standing on a bridge, in the rain, why would someone try to find her rite? Unless her mom or somethin' has lodged a missing person report or somethin' I would have thought. This one escape me man. Like so tawdally escape me.

"It's a damn cold night,
Tryin to figure out this life.
Won't you take me by the hand, take me somewhere new?
I don't know who you are, but I...
I'm with you.
I'm with you."

This is too deep dood. Tawdally man. This shit is so deep it makes Obama seems shallow man. Really. I mean. Like she was trying to figure out her life or somethin', on a bridge you know, and there was this rain you know. Then she figures, oh yeah, she figures why don't you take my hand man, take me somewhere new man. Coz ya know you might be the answer to all this questions she has about her life you know. And a new place might just be her life ya know. Yeah man. Dood, that shit is so deep man.

But then man, she said she doesn't know who it is man. That is so confusing dood. Coz then she said she's with him already. I mean, she was there rite. Thinking about life and all. Then she was asking someone to take her hand and all. I mean she doesn't know him or her but she is with him or her already dood.

Tell yawl what. I think she like, smoking some heavy stuffs dood. Like tawdally heavy stuffs.


Saturday, October 4, 2008

in one short sentence...

Akademi Fantasia
The musical version of UMNO election.

Dr Mahathir (when he was the PM)

Dr Mahathir (present)
Nasty bastard.

What exactly the fuck are you doing to yourself?

UMNO election
The political version of Akademi Fantasia.

Toll roads/PLUS highways/MRR2

Fucking fraud!

Maybank's acquisition of the Indon bank.
Somebody is laughing to the bank.

The Apprentice
Najib Razak.

Malaysian Football Team
A sporting version of UMNO election.

Windfall tax's abolishment.
Somebody is laughing to the bank.

Abdullah Ahmad
A mistake.

Anwar Ibrahim
Long foreplay inducing ejaculation in the pants.


Malaysian Judiciary Appointment/Elevation/Promotion
A judicial version of UMNO election.

4th Floor Boys
Penis ring.

Fasha Sanda
Viagra in motion.

Hari Raya dramas on TV
The Malaysian economy.

Proposed 700 billion bailout
Danaharta without Azman Yahya.

Proton and Volkswagen
A corporate version of UMNO election.

Buka puasa buffets

Buka puasa buffet at Shang-ri La
Fucking pigs!

Chua Soi Lek
A porn version of UMNO election.

Fasha Sanda

Pink Floyd
Fucking Fasha Sanda.

September 16th
Fasha Sanda dating me.

Jeko doughnuts
Get the insulin ready.

Men/women/boys/girls using laptops at Starbucks/Coffee Beans etc.
What exactly the fuck are you doing with your life?

Navel Gazing
Fasha Sanda.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

ASSTROfornication - a world on repeat mode

One afternoon, just about one or two months away from my MCE (now known as "SPM") examinations, all of us Form Fivers were called into the hostel dining room for some kind of prep talk. On the raised platform in front were 4 young lecturers from UKM, apparently invited by the school to give us advice on the impending examinations. A question was asked during the Q&A session by a friend who wanted to know why some students managed to remember everything they read about as opposed to some who did not manage to do so. One of the lecturers answered that question by posting a rhetorical question. "How do you remember that the grass is green? Do you memorise it?", he asked.

He then asked why was it that we managed to remember the grass is green even though we did not make any effort to remember that fact. That is the power of repetition, according to him.

Thinking about it, repetition, is indeed a powerful tool. In the olden days, information would be repeated by the King throughout his kingdom as a matter of propaganda, especially during a war. In peaceful times, information would be repeated on perhaps the necessity of paying taxes or perhaps also to put the citizenry on notice that such and such a person was being sought after by the King for whatever offence. No matter what the purpose of the repetition of the information was, the process of repeating was laborious, to say the least. It will perhaps involve men on horses, riding from one village to the other, shouting the information repeatedly.

The oldest hobby of homo sapiens is perhaps the participation in the oldest form of chain e-mails, namely, the act of gossiping. This is of course during the time before gossiping was elevated into an industry worth billion of dollars. Gossiping is, in itself a form of repetition, where a certain unproven matter or matters about something or somebody, which is normally of a very scandalous variety, would be whispered into the ears of a set of people. The recipient(s) would then repeat the same to another set of people, but of course with a certain latitude of additions or omissions, as the repeater deemed fit for his or her purpose. And this process would be repeated over and over again, each time to a different set of audience. The obvious element of this act is of course, first of all, secrecy of the originator. The design of this act is almost always to scandalise or at least embarrass the subject of the act, which could be a person, a household, an institution or a group of people.

Malay folklore are replete with tales of vicious schemes undertaken through the act of gossiping, which almost always ended tragically. The beautiful Mahsuri, for example, died impaled by bamboo sticks because of an unfounded gossip. Hang Tuah was sentenced to death by the King after being gossiped of having an affair with one of the King's female servants. He luckily survived. Hang Nadim, a boy, was sentenced to death and executed, when it was gossiped that he was too smart so much so that he could overthrow the palace!

Thus was the power of repetition in the olden days.

The need to repeat a certain act is also perhaps owed to the nature of human beings, who are of course, blessed with memory, albeit at varying degree. The ability to memorise or to remember results in human beings' fondness to indulge in the act of reminiscing, which is a form of natural recreation. Before the advent of technology, the act of reminiscing was of course restricted to the act of closing one's eyes and projecting images of the acts or things being remembered or reminisced about. When human beings were able to draw or paint, these images would be drawn or painted in some caves or on some stone tablets. The Pharaohs, for instance, would decree that a whole history of their rules be painted on a whole plain of rock to ensure that they do not vanish from the Earth without being remembered. The Incas would paint or inscribed the whole picture of their irrigation system on a plain of rock, just for posterity sake.

When human beings began writing, of course, some of them began recording events on paper which could be in written form alone, or sometime, even accompanied with drawings or paintings. These were borne out of the necessity to revisit events, whether out of personal attachment to the events, a learning activity or curiosity. Whatever it was, the act of repetition was then becoming mildly sophisticated.

The printing business revolutionised the whole act of repetition. The common people could now revisit events just by re-reading the printed material. By this time, technology had also made it possible to record an event in pictorial form. Together, these abilities brought to the world a new economics gadgetry called "advertising". By this time, the masses could already store their nice remembrances in printed forms. So were articles, stories, literature and learned works. All these could be read repeatedly, at one's own time during one's leisure or period of necessity. Repetition became an act done with relative ease as compared to the time when men on horses going about shouting repeated information for the King. The act of mass repeating, other than the act of gossiping, was at last available to the masses at relative ease and cheapness.

If the act of publishing prints of articles, stories etc gave the amenity to repeat reading or visual visitation of events, stories etc, the act of advertising exploited the power of repetition and human beings' ability to memorise and remember, albeit in subliminal and/or subconscious form. The media of communication would be used to print short articles about certain product with a certain message and publish the same repeatedly. These short articles, coupled with images of the product, or the lifestyles to which the product was related to, would be placed at certain strategic places in the publication where it was deemed inescapable from the view and attention of the masses or readers. Subliminally or subconsciously, these articles and their images would "stick" in the minds of the masses or readers, who would later purchase the subject of the advertisements whenever necessary or even unnecessarily. The true power of repetition was, at this stage of civilisation, almost realised.

Just after this, the radio and television, as well as the cinemas, would provide endless avenues for the masses to indulge in repetitive enjoyment of stories, movies and songs. Favourite songs could be played over and over again on the gramophones while movies could be shown, and watched, numerous times. While at first, the images were in black and white, later they were able to be projected in colours. While at first, the gramaphone was an odd looking piece of steel with rotating table which had to be manually turned via a handle, it was later replaced with a motor driven turntable driven by electric motors. Later this gadget became mobile with the advent of cassette tapes. The transistor radios replaced the humongous valve radios and later became mobile too, with radios shrinking in sizes. Repetition, at this time, became so easy to perform and its technology easy to purchase and own.

The digital revolution however pushed the frontiers of repetition to a new level. The masses could not only repeat a certain media at his or her own leisure time (and needs), they could also repeat a particular segment from within that media with modified intensity or speed. Thus, one could repeat a scene in the movie "Untouchables" for umpteen times in slow motion, at a rate up to 8 times slower than the original speed. (I must confess I am one of those who repeated the scene where Sean Connery was assassinated interspersed with the images of De Niro crying at the opera house 89 times, in slow motion too!) The same could be done to songs, although there is not much fun in repeating a song at a slower speed unless one is playing it backwards in order to find subliminal satanic messages. If before, the liberty to repeat at one's whims and fancy was only possessed by the industry, the digital age has altered that to give more power to repeat and to decide in what manner the repeat is to be done to the masses. Pornography, at this time, is taken to a new height, and depth (pun not intended).

Elsewhere, computer games gives the masses to the ability to "interact" with the games they are playing on the computer enabling them to repeat the game by trying out varieties of responses and reactions to a given set of situations provided by the game, each of the responses and reactions coming with a different set of counter-responses and reactions and ultimately, results. Images and stories, articles and works, learned or otherwise, are now not only available via the print media, but also stored in digital form in cyberspace, ready to be accessed at a click of a mouse.

At macro level, a whole new approach to story making, as well as digital gossiping, were taking place. The ability to repeat a scene, whether in "motion" pictures or still pictures has now empowered the industry to create a whole new scene which would be entirely different from the original scene which was being repeated through a process known as "digital editing". At micro level, the masses could also do this, albeit, through less sophisticated methodology and means via a process popularly known as "photoshop". The industry now is equipped with technology to repeat a scene from a series of pictures, splice up some of them, cut them out and "paste" them on a particular scene, doctor them, mutate and morph them out into an entirely different scene altogether. Thus, in the movie Forrest Gump for example, the character Gump was shown to have shaken hand with JF Kennedy. This of course had never taken place. But employing digital editing, this entirely new, and untrue, scene was there for all to see. Repetition is by now elevated to an art form.

The masses was not to be left out either. The "cut and paste" methodology was widely, and cheaply, available. A whole new dimension of digital gossiping ensued. Thus we could see for example, a picture of Najib Razak dining with Altantuya Sharibu on the internet, although it was admitted later that that picture was "doctored" or "digitally processed", to use the digital linggo. The digital camera, which is now cheaply available in every mobile phone, could also be easily and instantly called into service by the masses when events which necessitate or deemed justified for a recording (for future repeats of course) take place. Thus we could now see a proliferation of recording of sexual acts between consenting adults on the computer. These acts (the acts of recording the events and uploading the recording onto a website) is fueled by the knowledge that the recording could and might be repeatedly watched by the masses. Repetition is now a cause of self exhibitionism. Self exhibitionism, on the other hand, is enhanced by repetition. They co-exist in an inter-dependent and inter-beneficial world called the cyber world, the e-world, the world wide webs.

Acts of gossiping has become borderless. Where before, gossiping entails words passed from a person to another, with the minds projecting images as described by words, digital gossiping would come complete with words, pictures and sounds. Chua Soi Lek found that to his chagrin. Invasion of privacy is now just a click away. Voyeurism is now almost too easy and has therefore, probably, lost its sinister edge.

Digital recording and editing has made the act of prying into and revealing a person's private life in all its sordid details all too easy and almost convenient. On the other hand, while digital editing and recording has caught many a person with their pants literally down, it has also provided the masses with a defence whenever they are caught in such situation. Thus we have Ida Nerina saying in her defence that the sexual video showing a woman who looked like her (although we do not know whether she sounded like her) in it is not genuine. Linda Rafar defended herself from allegation of sexual misconduct after pictures of someone looking like her naked with a KRU member appeared in the net by saying that those pictures were a "cut and paste" job. The whole digital editing and recording liberty even managed to cause a Royal Commission to be established in Malaysia, the results of which I am sure is within everybody's knowledge. The same tactic is employed here, namely, the decrying of such recording as a work of ingenuity. Others, like Paris Hilton or Pamela Anderson, on the other hand, reveled in joyous celebrations and probably even benefited both financially and publicity wise after their sexual recordings and pictures appeared. It is obvious that the masses are now in control of repetition and will not be afraid or even hesitate to utilise it depending on their respective needs.

At macro level digital recording technology provides another dimension to security services. The private sectors install CCTV in order to monitor the masses on their premises for security (or might also be for commercial) purposes. The streets and highways of Great Britain have more cameras littered around than a Holywood studio, all in the name of security . Big Brother is now watching every step taken by the masses.

Elsewhere, sports analysis are made through repetitive display of an opposing team's performance. Tactics, strategies, weaknesses and strengths of the opposing numbers are looked into, with minute details, from repetition technology. So are the tactics, strategies, weaknesses and strengths of one team being ascertained and addressed by the same technology, in reverse order.

The world now revolves around and from the employment of repetition. If knowledge is power, repetition is therefore knowledge in itself.

However, nothing can beat the perfection of the power of repetition by Astro. Just the other night I was watching "Death Wish" by Charles Bronson for the 77th time. And that is in this year alone. I have also watched "Home Alone" 35 times. Two weeks ago, in July, they were showing reruns of "The Champion's League Updates" which was originally shown in March this year. And it was repeated complete with March promos which were encouraging me to watch the Champion's League sudden death round! All in July mind you. Here is a company, which turns repetition into a multi million ringgit business. Repetition is now a business on its own. Astro - selling repeats!

Repetition now exists, and justifies itself, by itself. That's what I call ASSTROfornication!

But then again, just imagine the power of repetition being used, and abused, by political powers for non other than political gains. I think I will write about this next...

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Comment on Malaysia Building Society Berhad's Promo Material

I was at the Malaysia Building Society Berhad (MBSB) yesterday on some business and as I had to wait, I did what I usually do when I don't bring a book with me, stroll over to the brochures, take one each and then go back to the counter and read whatever I have. So I have put up there for you MBSB's Personal Finance - i (what's with these stupid names? Just call it what it is lah!) brochure. 

Maybe I'm warped but if you read their tag line, it seems to hint at an element of recklessness: We put the money in your wallet, and the rest is up to you. Thankfully they had enough class to leave the apostrophe out. Let's break it down here. MBSB will put money in my wallet and the rest is up to me? Great! Now I can take this loan and finally afford to get into those top class karaokes or get me that dream foursome going, or wait, wait, now I can finally get that kilo of coke that I've been scraping and saving for. It's so easy! Sheesh. What kind of pitch is this? Mind you they went with this angle of pitch probably ignorant of the backdrop of increasing bankruptcies due to credit cards. Bernama reported on 21 May 2008 the following: 

As for the number of people declared bankrupt due to credit card debts, Nor Mohamed (ed: the Second Finance Minister) said the number last year was 1,873 people compared with 1,656 in 2006 and 1,479 in 2005 and 1,397 people in 2004.

Then there's the brochure below titled "Exec-Entrepreneur" Financing - i (Pembiayaan Usahawan Muda-i). You may not be able to read what's written on it unless you download the picture and then enlarge it but I'll save you the trouble and put up what they have written in sequence:

(Yellow words) For those determine to succeed. - we make it happen. 
Their Malay translation: Untuk mereka yang mempunyai wawasan untuk berjaya.

(Black bold) This package is offered to graduates to start their own business. 
Pakej ini memberi peluang kepada graduan untuk memulakan perniagaan

(I won't put the translations for the ones below)
  • Payment period between 2 to 7 years
  • Minimum RM 5,000 - Maximum RM 50,000
  • Salary deduction from employer, Biro Perkhidmatan Angkasa (BPA), post dated cheque or standing instruction
  • MDTA Takaful throughout the financing period
  • One guarantor or collateral is required
  • Joint borrower
Let's take it from the top: 

'For those determine to succeed' 

God. You know nobody checked this. They should pull the d out of the editor's arse, turn it around and then stuff it up his arse again. Unless he likes that, of course. Then don't bother. (Sorry, just couldn't help myself. How can you not crack an arsehole or sodomy joke in Malaysia right now?! Pun intended of course!)

Then let's consider their tag line 'For those determine to succeed. - we make it happen.' But how do they do that aside form chucking money at that Usahawan Muda? Nothing. All they talk about is the terms of the loan. 

There is no value added service such as some rudimentary advice on what's available to them as a mode for starting their business - partnership, sole trader, company - private or limited, etc and some basics on the areas to keep an eye on (cash flow, regular expenses) and certain common pitfalls that afflict newcomers (selling the same thing without any added value). 

This is important since they are pitching to graduates - people who essentially just came out of school. Because really, having looked at the personal financing 'features' and compared it to this one we're discussing - there's little difference in terms of what you eventually get (the former has a higher 'financing' loan amount - RM 75,000 and lower minimum RM 3,000.00). It's like being at a restaurant where they list 50 items on the menu but they all refer to the same dish. 

I could tell you also about the MBSB Assist Personal Financing-i, which describes itself as 'an exclusive medical assistance package for UKM KESIHATAN clients/patients to assist their loved one.' but I'd be wasting both our time. The only significant difference from the "Exec-Entrepreneur" Financing - i is that the MBSB Assist option gives you a '5.5% flat profit-sharing rate' whatever the heck that is. We get 5.5% of the profit shared out amongst all of us? Profit made when? What if there's no profit? Argh. Okay, maybe I'm just dumb about this stuff. But if you get right down to it, it's just a slice of salad with the goddamned chicken. All I can say is what lousy financial products they have. Zero added value aside from loaning you money. 

Sometimes I wonder you know. Is it just me? Maybe I'm the one who's missing something here. Maybe it actually all makes sense and it's me that's out of the loop of sense, both common and uncommon. Maybe, maybe, I should take some medicine. The type that makes me feel good. Yeah! That type of medicine. Then, then this will all make sense. Or I hope so anyway...

Monday, July 7, 2008

i Am BoRed...

Bala oh Bala,

kenaper engko camtu

camner aku tak camtu

aku ditimpa bala

bala oh bala

kenaper engko timper Bala

camner aku tak timpa Bala

Bala carik aku

Bala oh Bala

kenaper ko carik bala

bukan aku yang carik bala

bala yang ikut aku

bala oh bala

kenaper plak engko ikut Bala

camner aku tak ikut Bala

Bala suker panggil aku

Bala oh Bala

mengaper engko sker panggil bala

bukan aku sker panggil bala

orang panggil aku Bala

Orang oh orang

kenaper ko sker panggil Bala

camner kiter tak panggil Bala

itu dah memang namer dier

memang namer dier

memang namer dier...