Oh porn, why doth thou beckon?

An example of porn

When I think about it I just don't get porn. Perhaps porn should just be seen and heard but not thought about in much depth. After all, porn movies rarely demand much, or if any, intellectual rigour or emotional depth. The plot is usually easy to follow that even our local politicians can understand them in one sitting, or may even have acted out some of them out themselves unknowingly, of course. And like the usual Hollywood summer blockbusters, we all know who is whom, whom does what to whom and how it ends. Yes, there are some variations in terms of where the limbs are placed, or whether one is standing, kneeling, on all fours or lying down but when you come down to it, there are just two main working components with a straightforward two stroke motion. Forward. Backward. Isn't it strange the amount of complexity people go through to seek for such an embrace in such a manner as pleasurable (generally anyway, Navel Gazing recognizes that there are occasional performances so dismal in quality that it would have been better for both participants to have not engaged in the act) as it is simple?

So we can understand the act itself and the reasons for doing so. (And if you don't please stop reading the rest of this article immediately. Read only what is in within these brackets. If you stay in here, you will be safe. Now, very slowly, press the reset button. Keep your eyes on the words in these brackets. Got it? Good.) Now that we've got rid of those fellas, as I was about to pose a question rhetorically, why do we enjoy porn, or in another way, watching other people copulating?

We are not engaged in the act with them. We do not know them. And they are not performing it live in front of us, it's recorded. In an immediate sense the performers don't care what we think. In most cases we will never meet them. It's not as if we haven't done it before, or done it in that fashion, or know how it feels. What is more they could make us feel inferior with their better bodies, better looks (okay, maybe not for most of the guys), better staying power, and are skilled at their craft to do some fonky positions like the verticle 69 and helicopter (novelty factor: 10 cool factor: 0). We are also less likely to perform the act in heels, with a bowtie around our neck, or crotchless underwear in a room filled with other people. The loudness of the moans would usually be less because we are embarassed if other people hear us having sex (what's so bad about hearing other people having a good time? Enjoy it like you would good news off the radio-ish, unless of course their dirty talk sounds up like some filthy DJ banter then turn the volume down. They are, after all, not there to talk). Our facial expressions would more likelier be less intense and pained looking than those on screen because we are not performing for people we would never meet and need to impress them with the intensity of our performance.

So what is it really? Why ah?

I mean aside from the fact that it's nice to watch every now and again in reasonable doses.

The Economy: A Stimulating Idiot's Guide (Reloaded)

Art originally wrote this piece which is published at Articulations and Loyarburok. We thought of putting it up again here with the pictures he actually wanted to use. I volunteered to undertake this. In return he graciously permitted me to '[f]eel free to re-write whatever is deemed fit and necessary.' So with this license, I thought I'd try doing something I've been wanting to try out: an Art/Daef collab. So here is the piece, reloaded! We hopes you enjoying its.

So, we're supposed to be insulated from the global economic meltdown like a turgid penis fully sheathed in a skin tight condom with the little tip flopping about impotently at the end. Like, uh, awesome dood! When countries with bigger metaphorical penises like America, Japan and Germans suffering economic-tile dysfunction so badly they're almost diagnosed as koro, we on our mishapen penile peninsular named Malaysia smiled like a pimp after his hoes turned good tricks all night. When the biggest economies were foretelling complete and utter financial disaster, our guys are telling us that you, me, and yeah you too, that we would be insulated because of our "diversified economy and strong foundations". Not only that dood. We not just gonna maintain our hard on, but we gonna grow it even bigger and better... 4.5% of penile growth they proclaimed. Forgetting that even with the condom on, their balls are still exposed.

Despite trenchant criticism from sounder economists that our Finance Ministry is living in Najibland, we are also insulated because of the wide spread mental therapy our Home Ministry has implemented known as 'Repeat Therapy'. Unfortunately, it does not apply to sex. For the virginal, Repeat Therapy is a process where we convince ourselves of the truth of something by repeating it until we cannot think of anything else. We have one of its most profound practitioners of this mind techonology with our beloved outgoing Prime Minister, the inimitable Dato' Seri Abdullah Ahmad Badawi. Remember when he repeatedly said "I am in control" as he was being shoved out the party? Or when he repeatedly chanted "I will be fair" when he was at best only in skin colour? Or in those private moments when he whispers consolingly to himself repeatedly, 'I know what I'm doing.' before falling asleep soundly. Stuff like that. So let's do the Badawi and keep chanting (unless you are Muslim then you can only chant in Arabic, because then it doesn't count as chanting even though it really is) 'Malaysia's economy is insulated' as our nuts hang out for the global financial epidemic to wipe it clean off.

The truth is the world economy is bad, getting worse and going to hit us like one big bad fiery meteor from hell up the arse. Check this. The International Labour Organisation projects that 23 million people are going to lose their jobs in Asia this year! (see here) 1% of that is 230,000. Even if Malaysia "contributes" 0.5% of that, it would mean 115,000 Malaysians would lose their job! Insulated? Like a condom with the head ripped off more like. And what about the approximately 300,000 Malaysians crazy enough to work in Singapore? If even 10% of them are retrenched, that means 30,000 people without jobs.

Now factor in the reduction of working days due to production cut-off, cancellation of over-time, forced holidays, compulsory masturbation and the freeze on bonus and salary increass; has our government given any thought what the cumulative effect of all that would do to our economy?

Condom with the head ripped off? Na'ah. 4.5% GDP growth? Ha ha. More like A bulldog ran over and slashed at our nuts and ripped off our no longer turgid penises with one savage yank (no I don't mean American). Just recently, Citibank Group forecasted that our GDP will in fact shrink to -1.5% this year! Economic koro dood. The big R. The Mama Kahuna. But remember what Abdullah Ahmad Badawi and Nor Mohamad said earlier this year? No. We will not be in a recession. We will do fine. We will grow wings and halos will appear on our head as our genitals grow larger and wider. So repeat after them and it will be alright, okay?

The numbers are creeping out now. Malaysia's export has shrunk. In December 2008 alone, our export shrunk to 46 billion ringgit, which represents a 14.9% decline year on year (see here). Our biggest trading partner, America, is in a financial black hole. Japan, our traditional trading partner is seeing their consumer index dipping southward at an alarming rate. And we are insulated. Roight. The only guy who can probably pull insulated off in such an environment is David Copperfield but it's a shame he didn't do finance and economics.

So let's discuss economics in easy to understand terms. We want to use terms that can reach both the lowest and highest common denominator.

Lesson One: The Economy is Like a Set of Tits

God, aren't those awesome. Uh, where were we? Oh yeah. Tits. Big ones. We think we like 'em big. Because big means more and in this age of capitalism, bigger always means better. But the thing is, tits are generally not naturally big. Well, most of the time, that is. To make the economy big, we would have to do something to it like if we wanted to make a pair of tits firmer. We gotta stroke it, love it, want it. But they definitely ain't getting firmer or bigger just by staring hard at them. Plus, it's rude to stare you know.

No. That wouldn't do. We have to bring them to the operating table, cut them open and inject silicon to prop them up so that their nipples start pointing skyward and stitch 'em back discreet.ly Then they will be big. But no, we cannot just do that. That would be wrong.

We at Navel Gazing will always examine our subject matter thoroughly first. From this extensive examination, we can then determine what is wrong, or not quite right with them. Then after a shag or two, we go to the drawing board and plan. We would have to imagine then start sketching out modestly the kind of tits that we crave or may need. We cannot just make do with any old tits which are big. And we certainly cannot be mechanical about it by either injecting and injecting until the nipples start staring back at the owner or stimulate, stimulate and stimulate until the nipples get sore. If we did that, we'd have Frankenstein tits - monstrous, ugly and totally useless because they are so frightening!

Lesson Two: The Economy, Like Tits, Must be Proportionate

Just because big is good, don't think that the bigger they are, the better they will be. That is why China had to actually control its economics growth. They try to control growth around 8-10%. Sometimes it exceeds to 11%. But there must be control. Why? Because if we do not control the growth, the economy would grow too fast and a bubble effect would ensue. The bubble then, when it is too big, like tits, would burst! When it burst, it would ruin the hard on, dooood.

Lesson Three: Look at the Whole Body, Not Just the Tits

This is very important. Just imagine a 36FF on a 4'8" body with big hair. Whoa nelly!

So just like a woman's hawt body, the economy must be looked at as a whole. Not in selective spots here, there if not everywhere. We have micro economics and macro economics. Both must compliment each other the way our respective reproductive functions of both sexes do. Micro policies must be optimised to support the macro ones, like the various limbs and body work to support the breasts.

Which brings us to our next point. The economy does not exist in a vacuum. It is but one element in a bigger circle consisting of the society and the international community. And in that respect, politics plays an important role into the equation. Hence the economy cannot be detached from its direct impact on social and political life, or as we would happily argue sexual life! When planning the economy thoughts must be given to its societal impact.

What for instance are we going to do about the people who lose their jobs? What about retraining? What about creating small business opportunities? Or new job skills? And have we thought of the rising criminal activities which are induced by economics uncertainties or difficulties? What about health problems afflicting the people due to the economics downturn? What about health care system? Are we going to sacrifice educations in favour of a quick financial gain elsewhere? And what are we going to do when all these turmoils are over? Back to the same old game? Or new games? If it is the latter, do we need new rules and regulations? Are we going to diversify in something else? New and uncharted economics territory?

Lesson Four: Stimulations Must be Total

Don't just concentrate on the nipples! Just as a woman needs to be pleasured thoroughly and completely before she hits a multiple orgasm, those so called stimulus packages should be spread throughout the various economic sectors. They certainly should not be targetted solely at heavily politically connected industries like the construction industry. Just recently we heard that Road Builders (a subsidiary of IJM) was awarded the extensions of a road by 12 kilometers immediately after the concession of the toll road it operates expires! Hmmm... one expires and another one springs to life. Like an irrepresible hard on. Interesting.

Anyway, as we were saying, the stimulus plan must be wide ranging and holistic in nature. It mustn't be a stop gap measure. That's like being able to obtain a hard on easily but then suffering acutely from pre-mature ejaculation. Little point in it. Stimulation must have direction and work towards a goal, and must not be spaced too far apart. You just don't warm up the breasts only to go off for an hour and then come back for the main course. The economy just doesn't work like that. The fact that we have to announce a second stimulus just about 4 months after the first one shows that the first one was insufficient and not sufficiently thought out. We do not want a 3rd stimulus after this. Or a 4th one. There must be one holistic stimulus. Have we ever heard China launching a second stimulus in 4 months? Or Germany? Or wherever? Oh wait, maybe Chad... oh wait, they don't give a shit.

Our Government has a bad habit of introducing stop gap measures. While these may seem good at first, problems will continue to arise like a nasty ex-gf you just cannot get rid off. Any stimulus package must appreciate all angles. In particular, it must address all the issues raised in Lesson Three above. If not it is more useless than stimulus. And that is so not the very cool, dooood.

What kinda man are you?

And your choices are: tits, ass or leg.

As if women could only be served up in three pre-packed choices like supermarket chicken, only without the shrinkwrap and foam bottom. But I suppose those choices tend to be the primary ones because they are the most visual ones. And the theory for the moment is that us men, on average, tend to be more visual than women in their sexuality, supposedly because we are wired different. This I think is reflected in the quality of porn men and women enjoy. 

What we know as porn - everybody's shaved smooth, perfectly proportioned (all the guys are huge cocked and the women with at least Cs, a fine looking ass and shapey legs that look great in heels), minimal story line (oh no, I have no money to pay you with. Maybe ...), the focus is mostly on the woman (there she's enjoying going down on him, now she's riding him cowgirl, now reverse cowgirl, her face close up showing her what I call overmoaning) or the scene of penetration (close ups of the mechanics from the standard set of angles), alternating between the two with an occasional five to ten second shot of the guy either with his eyes tightly shut and mouth wide open or silently repeating some phrase that definitely has the word 'fuck' 'yeah' and 'baby' in it or with his aggressive look when he's going at her hard and fast asking her whether she enjoys it that way. All that. That's the kind of porn men generally enjoy. 

Women, or those that I happened to know (or perhaps I don't know enough!), generally don't tend to get into that (unless of course they are extremely horny at the time, then you can put on Tom and Jerry and still get it on). For them, the problem with male porn is there is no interesting plausible well thought out story that is borne out by an excellent cast of well acted characters. There is no artworthy demand made of the actors other than to coo, scream or hurriedly demand that they be fornicated, licked, sucked or sodomized in a harder and faster fashion, and so to them, that is not acting. They think its tacky to keep heels on whilst having sex in bed. They dislike how it usually ends. And would not like it in real life either.

So sometime in the 90's a new more auteur generation of porn film makers  looked towards catering to the women's market. So now women don't buy porn. They buy erotica. That's made for women porn. It's more focused on the characters as people, they have motivations, there's a story, the sex scenes are more tastefully done - they are shot softer, with decent music, more shots of the couple together, better looking guys, and with less intensity and frequency on the shots of the scene of penetration, and focus more on the, you got it, foreplay. 

Or maybe it's because it keeps with our simple lifestyle we simplify our choices: T A L.

But that's the problem with simplicity sometimes, its restrictive, confining, especially where it concerns women, these mysterious exquisite creatures capable of such mesmerising beauty and charming qualities. Yes, I concede that those areas tend to be the main thoroughfare, and yes sir, I can appreciate their visually aesthetic aspect but surely, surely, a lover of woman cannot be satisfied with just that immensely satisfying though it may be. Her entire body in the right circumstance can transform into a finely tuned instrument of a sexual passion (and maybe love!). Her entire physical being is open for exploration, experimentation, stimulation, emancipation and climax. 

And there are many interesting less travelled routes and visited areas that possess their own particular charms and are worth more than a quick casual glance, in terms of popular culture. At the top and just behind her earlobe, the bottom of her earobe, the front of her neck where it meets her jaw, underneath her jaw, that cleft between her chin and the bottom of her lip, or the back of her neck, my glades of tranquility. Then there is her back, like a mesmerising vista of the changing unchanging ocean winking here and glittering there in the sunlight. So much to explore, to trace, and always, always too little time: the craggy region of her shoulders; the neglected, side from her chest to her hips; the length of her spine down past the small of her back til just a spasm into the vally of her ass; and both left and right sides of her back. Then there is delicious slide from the top of her ass down to her smooth slender calves. Or lingering at the peak of her toes. Or the back of the length of her arm. Or an unbroken straightline from her chest until the tip of her chin. Or the inner of her thighs. For example. 

The best part is that there are many modes of transport down these neglected thought immense charming routes. One can travel by nose, lips, tongue, a single hair, side of the face, and of course, hands. They all yield different facets of the routes fascinating both for traveller and route every time. Heh. Which is why if someone asked me that question these days, I'd tell him. 'Journey man, son. I'm travelling all the time.'

(Puts on a dark grey fedora and breaks into a folk song on a guitar)

Pontifications of the Penis

A cross section of the penis as we know it

I have a penis so it goes that I'm man. That adores women. And admires men. So it means I'll get on my knees for the former. Not the latter. And for the most part, I enjoy wielding a penis. My penis. Not yours. Or yours. You sick bastard. I admit it's not the 15 incher most guys in their first flush of porn would crave for, but you can bet it's not something to pick your teeth with after you eat. More like a slow melting ice cream that doesn't melt ... kind of thing. 

Actually, I don't like the word 'penis' because it sounds so clinical, so formal, so I need to wear gloves before I use it sorta thang. I like 'cock' better. It sounds dirtier. More sinister. Infinite possibilities abound. And it also rhymes with 'rock' and partially with 'fuck'. The downside is that it also rhymes with 'lock' but who cares. I'll never rhyme cock with lock because it sounds a little offensive, and I just fucking hate sounding like some offensive 15 inch cock wielder. 

Which I'm not because I don't have the number. 15 to be precise. These days I've learned to be happy with what I have. Which means not having 15. That's what experience does to you. Or rather growing old. Sometimes though I can't quite tell the difference where one ends and the other begins or if it even started in the first place. And experience has taught me why I won't be content with 15.

Firstly, the surgery would hurt a lot. What's more, if I grafted a 15 incher, I might just get a massive stroke or heart attack whenever I get a boner, so that's no fun. 'Hey watch it honey, you don't want to turn me on! I might just die on you. But you can ride me after if you're into that.' What's more, if I had a 15 incher, it'll in all probability be black in colour. Like the Macbook out now. If you want a bigger hard drive, we only got them in black honeh! I may be Asian and all but big cocks are black. That's that man. I've never seen a 15 in any other colour. And, and I'd have to be all rapper like, wear big gold chains, swap my teeth for gold ones and get tattooed up. I'm just not into all that. Plus my rapping sucks and I can't play basketball or run really fast. So even if I had 15, it might be wasted on me. 

And the vagina can only fit up to about 6 inches. So what's the point of having a 7 course meal when the diner only wants 3 satisfyingly full courses? Yes, a vagina can stretch much wider to accomodate a child but let's not dismiss comfort and extraordinary circumstances so readily shall we. That niner is not just excess... it's waste. And I abhor waste! Having a 15 incher swaying on a windy day will just conflict with my intense sense of moderation and reduce me to schizophrenia, if not multiple personalities for me and my cock. The latter may have psychological problems pretending to be a stout 8'er when he really is a hefty 15. There are somethings you just cannot fool yourself about. 

A 15'er will never get the whole thing unless he's into horses. Even then, watch out for the kicks, cowboy! And, and, he won't be able to wear shorts in public that end at the thighs cos then the package will be showing. He would have no career in speed sports be it swimming or running because of the drag his cock caused. He cannot be terribly clever because most of the blood is usually swirling around his tower of cock. He would have to take many breaks to read, especially erotic stories. Even if 15 can be considered a super power, he can never have a cool superhero name because all of them will sound funny. Nobody will want him in their superteam and he will end up doing straight to video porno and die a lonely death naked in the tub in some cheap motel after overdosing on a potent mixture of viagra, cialis and cocaine with cheap German porn repeating silently on the television.

I guess it's hard being a 15'er too. 

Poor chaps. 

Spare a kind thought for the 15s yah? They're human too. 

The face a woman looks best in

The face a woman looks best in is when she is in the throes of pleasure. That look of vulnerability and sensuality on her face, of a willing and utter surrender to the pleasures assailing her every pore. Those closed eyes spoke of wanting to achieve a depth of feeling, of being able to trace the faint outline of the contours of her pleasure. That frown of indescribable pleasure. Sighs that slowly emerged and rose into a crescendo before gently fading away, washed over like a fresh wave on the beach by her full throated mouth wide open moans that tittered at the knife edge of pleasure and pain, betrayed by a body that could not contain the pleasures coursing through her, demanding that she vocalize her enjoyment. Occasionally, she manages to restrain herself by biting her lower lip only to surrender to her soulful cries again. Each one a lick more sweeter than the last. And there is a radiance to her then, as if pleasure itself glowed in her and overflowed out of her every pore. As if she were made for just that one moment of inconsolable pleasure.

She is never more beautiful than she is then.





(The real wan ah! Not the fake wan!)

Humen Against the Mistreatment concerning Sex and Attention to their Penises (HAMSAP)

I'm sick and tired of a particular species of non-governmental organizations (NGO) in Malaysia. Now I'm not putting them down or the good work that they do - helping oppressed and abused women, providing them shelter, fighting for their rights and all that. Great stuff. I'm all for it. 

But I'm sick of them because firstly there are so many of them: All Woman's Action Organization (AWAM), Asian-Pacific Resources and Research Centre for Women (ARROW), Murni Women's Development Foundation of Kelantan (Yayasan MURNI), National Council of Women's Organizations (NCWO), Sabah Women's Action Society (SAWO), Sarawak Federation of Women's Institutes (SFWI), Sisters in Islam (SIS), Tenaganita, Women's Aid Organization (WAO) and Women's Crises Centre (WCC). And if those organizations from civil society are not sufficient to cover women's issues, don't you worry, because the government has the National Council of Women's Organizations, the National Advisory Council on the Inter-Action of Women in Development, the National Clearinghouse on Women in Development (NCWS) which is under the Prime Minister's Department, and the Secretariat for Women's Affairs (HAWA) which is also under the Prime Minister's Department. 

In all those women's organizations, there's only one male organization I found - Pink Triangle. But membership there is a little more exclusive. It's for boys that like boys and/or like dressing as girls. So while I have nothing against homosexuality (diversity is the spice of life!) and have gotten over my homophobia (this happened when I realized that gay dudes are better traveled, well read, more sophisticated, usually possess a high level of aesthetics and great conversationalists than the common heterosexual male whose idea of conversation is scratching their balls and taking about their football team), it's not my cup of tit because I like my tits in pairs and if there's any cupping to be done, it had better be me. 

What annoys me about these women's group organizations is their complete lack of creativity in coming up with cool abbreviations for their movements. I mean check it out - SAWO, SFWI, WCC - sheehs. You think they just picked out the first letters of their chosen organization name and used those. Oh wait. They did. See what I mean about lack of creativity? And when they actually make an effort to come up with something they use potent penile imagery. I mean, let's take ARROW for example. Come on. Is there even a sliver of pubic hair of vaginal imagery with that word? I think we are all agreed that a long hard shaft capped with a protruding and pointed head strongly suggests the penis. A turgid one at that. 

And this brings me to my second point - it's all about women, women, women. And if it's not about that then it's about women needing this, women needing that, that men have penises and are bad, smelly and don't shave and how if they were into pussy they would all be licking and fingering themselves without us. There's nothing about the celebration of maleness, manhood or about men's place and role in society vis-a-vis women. It's gotten to the point where men don't even know how to be men anymore because we are too busy trying to please women. 

And if all that is not bad enough, it's not as if women reward us with this greater sensitivity, greater care or thoughtfulness with regular and frequent kinky, creative, wild and noisy sex, daily deep throat blow jobs the moment we step into our castles (that's right boys, don't forget that or who's the king), and indulge our threesome fantasies. If you get even one of them, thank your lucky cock mate, cos most of us aren't getting any of those. Better yet record it on your phone and then email it around to make all of us jealous that you're banging that hottie from Cosmopoint in seven different ways using all the furniture in the room as well as the walls. Dream fucking on mate. Since women are so empowered these days, they will just pat you on the head for your concern and sensitivity and let you go watch football with your friends. If you are lucky she will watch while you wank yourself off and not start flipping a magazine before you cum in your record time of 30 seconds (you fucking loser!). 

After a thorough and vigorous anecdotal survey conducted by the staff of Navel Gazing which are legion, I have also gathered that less and less women are putting out for men. One night stands are at an all time low. Casual sex is almost unheard of. The mention of the word orgy conjures imagery of greek men having a go at one another. And there is a strange notion growing amongst the female population that sex is something only men enjoy. If you know any women who think this, they are part of a dangerous anti-sex cult and a police report should be lodged against them. So that's right men. More of us are being fucked or sucked less. If you are a man and don't know this, you are one lucky bastard (although heads up dude, it's not gonna last forever!). 

I am resolved to change this sad and terrible state of affairs (pun intended). I am therefore forming the Humen Against the Mistreatment concerning Sex and Attention to their Penises (HAMSAP) to stand up against the wanton deprivation of sex going on to the male species (and more specifically, the heterosexual male) going on in this country (pun not intended). The goal of HAMSAP is to foster, promote and encourage a society and an environment where those in either a monogamous or open relationship are able to enjoy frequent, regular and enjoyable sex. That's right, the word 'enjoyable' is significant because where the female partner reads a magazine, yawns or ask the male partner to hurry up while engaging in sexual intercourse does not amount to sex or fucking by HAMSAP guidelines. It is to foster acceptance and the practise of one night stands, orgies and kinky, wild and noisy sex for the more adventurous males of society. In time, HAMSAP hopes to train men in the art of pleasuring women i.e. eating pussy and enjoying it (that's right, it's not just tweaking the nipples like a radio and slamming the salami), so that women will be more obliging with requests for sex.

If you are male and reading this - you know what this is about. This is the penile clarion call that you have been waiting for all your sex deprived life. If you have been wondering what your life has been about and what direction it should be taking - thank your cock that you have found this posting, because you have found it. Join HAMSAP and make this world a better place. Let's get people fucking, sucking, licking and blogging all about it in their salacious and tawdry details. Because sharing is caring, just like fucking is sharing. So join us today at hamsap2008@gmail.com by telling us why you want to join HAMSAP and how long you have been deprived of sex. If we have enough members, we can even launch a political party and really start talking some cock. We will be the premier political party setting penile policy. 

Join us. 

Show them that you have the balls to stand up for your cock. 

Be a satisfied man. 

i Am BoRed...

Bala oh Bala,

kenaper engko camtu

camner aku tak camtu

aku ditimpa bala

bala oh bala

kenaper engko timper Bala

camner aku tak timpa Bala

Bala carik aku

Bala oh Bala

kenaper ko carik bala

bukan aku yang carik bala

bala yang ikut aku

bala oh bala

kenaper plak engko ikut Bala

camner aku tak ikut Bala

Bala suker panggil aku

Bala oh Bala

mengaper engko sker panggil bala

bukan aku sker panggil bala

orang panggil aku Bala

Orang oh orang

kenaper ko sker panggil Bala

camner kiter tak panggil Bala

itu dah memang namer dier

memang namer dier

memang namer dier...

Of Sex Objects

Betty Paige
World Renowned Sex Object

There are some women that vent about how derogatory it is for women to be treated as sex objects. I have for some time found this terribly annoying and am hereby submitting my riposte. Now a distinction needs first be drawn between a 'sex object' and 'an object for sex'. These are 2 different things. The latter is generally comprised of those offering sexual services either voluntarily or as a result of duress. They transform themselves into an object to be used for the sexual pleasure of others, to which their own sexual pleasure is of no consequence. A sex object is often mistaken for an object for sex. So what then is a sex object? It is someone who is able to symbolize not just sex but sexuality and sexiness.

Though a person often has to be beautiful/handsome or cum-in-your-pants HAWT, this singular feature does not a sex object make. More is necessarily required. I've seen lots of nova hot but clueless cardboard women. These women are lacking an important quality: sensuality (say it with me now), which intensifies, deepens, broadens, and infuses one's natural beauty (being what it is, not necessarily CIYPH) with sexuality. Just so you get an idea of what I'm talking about, go find some plants that have not yet been watered (better yet find a garden). Now ejaculate water on to it and take a hard look at it again. Do you see how fresh it looks? Do you notice how it looks almost horny as it drips with fresh cool water on its tender leaves? Do you see how the branches and trunk glisten in the sunlight, as if cleansed and ready for some action? If you don't you shouldn't be reading this. Go back and sleep with your parents you waste of carbon material. And if you do, that's what I'm talking about.

And in that sensuality is firmness to the softness, there is a familiarity at once both intensely familiar and intimate and yet at the same time distant and cool, there is an innocence to her coquettishness, there is a lover's touch in each social or friendly physical interaction, there is provocation of your fantasies as much as it forces you to suppress it, there is maturity and confidence as there is ignorance and reticence. Sensuality can be honed or refined but one must first possess it. Yet it is uncommon and even those that possess it often know little about how to develop it. It is a condemnation of our culture and society that there is now so little sensuality and too much sex. The difference can be illustrated thus: a striptease is sensuality, whipping off your clothes as if jumping into a river to save someone's life is sex. And there is just too many people jumping into the river. The problem is that they ain't saving anybody!

And because women who are able to combine raw beauty with refined sensuality are so uncommon, they should be celebrated and be offered a spot in Playboy instead of being dissed by their own sex. I mean let's face it, how many of us reading here have really come across a sex object or has ever been described as one? (If you are a sex object reading this, please email me immediately) If somebody told me I was a sex object, I'd reply thank you, ma'am/miss, but if it's a he then it'll be no thank you, sir (with nasty look). And then I'd immediately tell all my friends about it but will in all probability be laughed at by them and be accused as being delusional and making the whole thing up (I didn't you bastards!). So object not to the sex object. Because when you do you make an object out of u and me.

Pre-Marital Sex

Note: All puns are intended unless notified otherwise. Definition: Navel Gazing categorizes 'sex' as the complete act of copulation until ejaculation (whether premature or mature) or orgasm (multiple or otherwise). So even if there's a whole lot of bed shaking but no crash, we won't count it (even though we'd be quite happy to watch or assist in the video recording). It also does not include foreplay no matter how heavy such as blow jobs, cunnilingus and any form of masturbation,(mutual or otherwise).

Every now and again some unsuspecting fool will ask me, 'Do you believe in pre-marital sex?' I always wonder about such people. Were they dropped on their head when they were young? I tell them, 'I don't just believe in it, I pray feverishly for it (optional: you stupid fool!)'.

Why they use the word 'believe' never ceases to baffle me. And what is there to 'believe' about pre-marital sex? It happens. It happens a lot. As it should. Except to people who want it most. ... And you know what, it's probably happening all over the world in all sorts of funky places as you are reading this - in some nearby secondary jungle, in some filthy public toilet, in the backseat of a car, on the bosses' office desk, at the 7th floor of an internal fire escape of a building. Not that I would know but those 3gp video clips that get passed around sure help verify this (so thank you all of you selfless exhibitionists in Malaysia, Indonesia, Thailand, Singapore, and occasionally the Middle East)! And that's just counting the humans.

Don't forget animals always have pre-marital sex because there's nobody to marry those poor godless things. Bloody sinful heathens that they are! It's bad enough that as compared to humans they are naked most of the time or have their pubes cover their whole body and can have a riotous bout of sex in public without having to worry about on lookers or the local state religious departments raiding them. So that they get lots of pre-marital sex (granted its the only kind) is quite unfair and smells like the big H putting one over us humans. Sure we get opposable thumbs and big brains but hey, them animals get only pre-marital sex (which I understand from my assiduous analysis of voluminous literature both fiction and non-fiction about this category of sex is the best of its kind as opposed to virgin sex [homosexual or heterosexual], post-marital sex and lousy sex). That's probably the only reason why the big H made animals incomprehensible to us because they would be lording it all over us. I mean, that's why birds sing, hyenas laugh, horses' neigh and cows moo. They're gloating. If we had lots of that, we'd be doing a lot more singing, laughing, neighing and uh... mooing.

If I could enact legislation as easily as I could some really kinky sex fantasy and then pass it as easily as I answer Nature's routine call, you would by now be governed by the Compulsory Pre-Marital Sex Act 2008. This sexcellent Act would require all couples seeking to be married to have sex about 4 weeks before their marriage registration or nikah date with their intended lifelong partner. You could do it with someone else but complications are very likely to arise.

The first 2 weeks is to be spent having lots of sex in as many ways they can think of. The remaining 2 weeks is for the couple to decide whether to go through with their mutual lifelong commitment. If they are virgins that is. If they are not then the first 2 weeks is an encouraged option, unless of course they had already boned their brains out earlier in their courtship. Then only the first week is compulsory. Both are then to fill in a form setting out what they enjoyed, what they want more of, what other positions they want to try, which public places they would like to enact those fonky positions and any suggestions on equipment which will have to thereafter be affirmed before a Commissioner of Oaths. That's right - statutory declarations will be compulsory and must be submitted to the newly formed Ministry of Sexual Pleasure and Sexuality, which I fully expected to be appointed as both First and Second Minister.

The reason for this very pressing Act is to firstly establish sexual affinity between the couple. Trust me when I tell you that you don't want to marry this hot hoochie mama only to discover that she likes eating the carpet after she takes one look at your lamp (and lamp shade, where applicable). Or once your clothes are off, she realizes that she actually likes guys with lots of hair, especially on their back or ass (the disgusting bastards!). Or that she dislikes the smell of your body odour around your privies and needs to wear a gas mask to give you the Australian kiss. Or that he screams excitedly, 'I won! I won!' when he comes 2 minutes after he sticks in her. Loser.

Secondly, it is to ensure sexual compatibility in terms of performance and interests. Sure you may have the affinity but do you want to do the same things, the same positions? I mean, if you like only straightforward missionary sex (you uncreative bastard!) and she can only get going when you have a 12" spiked dildo up your ass, you got a problem. How big the problem is depends entirely on size of dildo and how roughly she manipulates it. Or perhaps she may have this awful habit of pulling out her magazine to read while you're 3 minutes in. It's not uncommon okay! The trouble with modern women is everything is a job and sex is their 5 minute power nap break. So you definitely wanna check this stuff out lest you be prepping for your bout of sexual dalliance by arranging the magazines on the bed. Loser.

Thirdly but not the least important, is to gauge your future partner's sexual desire not just for you but for sex as well. I know for a fact that there are a race of people walking the earth that have no interest in sex whatsoever. Though they may indulge in it 3 or 4 times in their life time, they could quite comfortably and calmly do without it. They sound human, they look human, hell they even eat what we do but don't be fooled my friend. Don't be fooled for a second.

They are fucking aliens. Only aliens don't like sex and well filmed and acted porn. And no they are probably not from Uranus (you immature bastard!). You don't want to tie the knot only to realize you've got to tie up your space shuttle as well. That first 2 weeks (or week depending on which is applicable to you) is therefore very important. These aliens may fool us for the 1st week but their alien inhibition cannot hold out that long provided inflict awesome bouts of fornication upon them. I know this because Pentagon knows this and have yet to declassify the documents on alien visitation but watch out for it in 2024.

Now that you know why you need me to be Prime Minister of Malaysia, please vote wisely in the next elections. I'll be in one of those independent parties with a strong sexual policy for government. So now go out there and register to vote and convert some of them aliens. They're taking over the world as we know it. And if you're an alien reading this, do us all a favour - go fuck yourself.

Homophobia

I was one of those homophobes before that had an irrational discomfort (okaylah, 'fear' dammit) around homosexual men. Homosexual women were not an issue simply because I didn't know any of them. Anyway, I've never harboured any objections to girl and girl action. However, it was a little different with respect to homosexual men since I too was a man. For some strange reason, being a defensive hetrosexual man (not without the usual doubts and ambiguities at that fragile state in one's life about one's sexual orientation or sexuality), I misguidedly used to think a few things would result from my being in the company of homosexual men.

Firstly, I thought that as a result of their influences, I could somehow stumble or fall into homosexuality as one might fall into a manhole (somethings just can't be gender neutral! Those obssessive politically correct people can shove 'peoplehole' up their arsehole). The underlying thought here was that sexuality was a changeable as one's hair. It isn't and if you think about it, it's just plain silly. We could not change our sexual orientation even if we wanted to. No amount of hetrosexual intercourse inflicted upon a homosexual men for example would make him change. Just as no amount of homosexual intercourse would make me change my mind. Thankfully, my certitude requires no need for proof in the latter example. Although I respect their sexuality, I am unable to watch gay porn. The idea is that if you can't even watch it then you won't go as far and you are alright. Fingers crossed.

Secondly, and after 'curing' myself of homophobia and realizing how stupid it is, I, like most hetrosexually homophobic men, thought that homosexual men would want to fuck me simply because I turned up. After all, you man and I man equals homosexual intercourse. If only the logic of life were so simple there'd be hell of a lot more sex going on not only between the homosexuals but the heterosexuals as well. The truth is that usually homosexual men aren't going to look at you unless you got the package - looks especially. And, well I wasn't terribly good looking and probably that's why I didn't get chatted up as much then if I possessed an eight pack washboard abs, pulsating pectorals and a firm looking ass that looked good in tight jeans. So if you're heterosexual, don't worry, they wouldn't want you anyway... unless you were very good looking then they'll make a pass but that's about it. Thoughts of gangs of them invading your bed and holding you down while they violated your butt is an irrational thought produced by irrational fear.

Thirdly, I thought that I had little to say to the homosexual male because of our lack of commonality simply due to him liking to dip his shaft in a male bum as opposed to a female one or vagina. Which is pretty silly really. I have come to know a few homosexual men through some of my friends and I now find that for the most part they usually make better conversationalists then the average Malaysian male whose area of conversation is limited to chicks, dick (theirs), drinking and sport. They are often highly creative, well read and travelled, intelligent, sophisticated, funny and tend to be intensely bitchy which is great fun (meowr!).

Coming to this stage however was a process that was several years worth of experience, thinking and internalization of that experience and conclusions of my thoughts. I am happy to say that reason enabled me to break my way out of the homophobic rut I was in. And now that I have reached this position, I cannot help but think it quite irrational, unreasonable and downright cruel for general society (I'm speaking of Malaysia) to suppress this other kind of sexuality. I cannot imagine why a homosexual has to be ostracized, marginalized and persecuted simply because they prefer sticking their cock up a willing guys ass instead of a willing woman's one. And let's face facts, anal sex happens between heterosexual couples as well and there are some that even enjoy it. To take a more crude line of argument (which I quote from my friend), 'A hole is a hole.' Just because most of us like having sex with the opposite sex, cannot necessarily mean that if some people don't like that manner of sex, they should be excluded so mercilessly and completely. And how can this preference for particular sexual orifices have any kind of relation on whether one is a good person, or a capable person or an honest person?

Further, it is not as if homosexuality is some new kind of fad. The truth is that homosexuality has a long and distinguished history as well. The Greeks and Romans which were one of the most civilized ancient civilizations accepted it and allowed it. Homosexuality is also commonplace if you think about it. It goes on in the army, navy and wherever one only has the company of men. It happens in prisons, in school (my secondary school had a whole bunch of them and one of them even found himself when he played a lady in a play), in artsy-fartsy circles, in fashion, in retail. There are homosexual Asians, Europeans, Africans, etc. as there are Christians, Muslims (Irshad Manji's a lesbian Muslim), Buddhist, etc. There is no discrimination. Homosexuality I think is widespread and common as heterosexuality. The problem I think is that it suffers from the problem of being 'the Other' in terms of sexuality due to the hegemony of heterosexuality.

That sucks.

Censor Me A Titty

It is a curious thing that in Malaysia, the censors only have their scissors (and lord knows what else) out for sex. If there is even the remotest hint of sexual influence in a scene, and they of course are thoroughly qualified in detecting it though remaining steadfastedly free of its influence (unlike us inferior beings), it will be snipped, cut, blacked or ripped out. When I think of these censors, I imagine short, some thin, some fat, goatied men with long flowing jubah, some with spectacles, some with contacts, without underpants walking around holding a pair of those elegant long beaked steel ones in their right hands. Their nimble fingers eagerly spreading and shutting its arms. They would only use their index finger on their left hand to point at whatever it was they were pointing at before uttering, 'Apa tu?' (What's that'?). I haven't quite worked out what their introductory music score would be like yet, but I'm working on it. But strangely, they allow some of the most hideous violence to be visited upon a human being to be aired in a cavaliar and widespread manner in virtually all forms of popular media - video and computer games, music, movies, television, etc.

This is what I have always wondered: Why is it the policy of our censors to banish expressions of love (hardcore or very explicit softcore sex excepted) and promote expressions of hatred and conflict (playful slapping and light S&M and that means no leather masks excepted)? Maybe I'm nuts or something but I thought it would have been the other way around. There is already so much violence in our own lives with daily reports of snatch thefts, murders, rapes and corruption that the last thing we actually need is something glorifying it and routinely being used as a means of dispute resolution. So what is the basis of this policy of promoting violence?

And it is because of all this daily routine violence that we need to promote and encourage love and respect for one another. I am not saying that showing people kissing or making love does that but I think it does not detract from that policy. And for the love of God, can we please get real! Just watching this stuff doesn't serve as a massive dose of aphrodisiac that makes people want to go and hump each other like a bunch of rabbits. And what is the basis of this policy of erasing expressions of love?

The zeal with which these censors try to erase a kiss, even the faint expression of a nipple or a tasteful lovemaking scene sometimes makes me wonder whether they feared sex or hated sex more, or were just a bunch of seedy perverts all round. I mean, think about it - all those tits, ass, genitals and sex watched on a regular basis and then get edited out - where does it all go? Who watches the scissormen? What kind of people are these? Who are these men and women of such erudition and maturity that they can sit above us and tell us what we can or cannot watch? One day, a scandal is going to hit the fan (if it hasn't happened already) that some of these fellas make montages of the censored material for their own personal collections.

And the irony of all this is that they can censor all that but then they let through books by Harold Robbins, Sydney Sheldon, Eric Van Lustbader, Jackie Collins and lemme tell ya, some of the stuff that goes on in there - even I get a little shy explaining it to people (and on these matters, I am not one who is usually coy on the subject). The difference? Even though books are a visual medium, they are for some strange reason okay. Actually, I think it's because these people actually cannot read or their reading abilities are extremely limited (read: stupid and shallow). Their abilities appear to be only confined to visually obscene material, not literature. So forget to even ask these fellas to root out subversive ideas in philosopy laden books. One would probably need a machine powered drill to get it through these fellas (even then I'm not hopeful). Even when they wanted to do it, as they did with Karen Armstrong's 'Battle for God: Fundamentalism in Judaism, Christianity and Islam' in 2006, they buggered it up. For one, Ms. Armstrong is no hack. In fact, in 1999 she was honoured by the Islamic Centre of Southern California for 'promoting understanding among faiths.' Funnier is that the book had long been circulating in the country for some time now. That's like bolting the gate after the cows have bolted. Moo.

But their fascination with violence and their undeniable incompetence doesn't interest me as much as this institutional aversion to sex in its many manifestations. Why are governments, religions and civil society so afraid of it? Why are mature adults in groups afraid of something natural, pleasurable and, for those that want a family (and actually including those who do not want one), necessary? In this entire piece, I am referring only to consensual sex between two consenting people of sufficient maturity (for whichever applicable culture) and so would not include sex induced by force or violence.

I don't quite know but I think it has something to do with the uncertainty with which sex may affect someone though it usually tends to be positive. I mean 'positive' in the sense that it usually orientates one towards a sense of confidence (you are attractive enough) which then emboldens and a fleeting happiness and a general sense of contentment (blame it on the orgasm). When you are internally content and confident of yourself, you will be less easily persuaded by for instance, propaganda. So in one sense sex is subversive. And sex then places this seed of independence and creates an environment that would allow a need for greater freedom for one's self to be born. But this seed also needs to be fertilized and watered by carefully chosen intellectual fare and emotional nourishment to enable one to blossom into a mature and responsible citizen.

But that's just probably one of my theories about why people should be shagging more. And this by the way is all opined and written with no offence to the sanctity of virginity and any virgins reading this.

Anyway, should really stop thinking so much about this stuff.

Tut too too tee to.