'cuse me, but I just don't freckin' get it - part 3

 

 

Mercedes CLS. "....a 'four door coupe,' the CLS recalls the fastback saloon designs of Robert Opron in the 1970s....the CLS-class was produced to combine the "strong, emotive charisma" of a coupe with the "comfort and practicality" of a saloon. Save for its four-door design, the CLS's design tends towards a coupe, as its sleek body reduces the rear passenger room to a 2+2 arrangement...." So says the blurp.

'Scuse me, 4 door coupe? Like what the fuck? From the litlle I know about the word "coupe", it means a short carriage with a seat for 2  at the back and 1 seat for the driver.  Translate that to a modern auto world lingo, "coupe" would mean a car with 2 doors which could accommodate 2 persons and which is a smaller version of the same model in saloon form. Not some behemoth 4 door saloon with sporty curves to disguise it's grotesque monstrosity, size and vanity wise, which could probably  take 7 passengers and the whole kitchen! Stupid Germans!

"...produced to combine the "strong, emotive charisma" of a coupe with the "comfort and practicality" of a saloon..." Sorry, I puke on your forehead, you meisterbullshyter! Like, what's the big idea? If somebody wants a saloon, he would go and buy a saloon. Likewise, if he (or she - just in case some female says I am a chauvinist, which I am not, you bitch!) wants a coupe, he or she, would just go and buy a coupe. Why would anybody want to buy a half coupe and half saloon combined together? Tell me. WHY? Why would anybody want to mess around and blend a saloon together with a coupe and buy a freaking behemoth called a "coupe with the "comfort and practicality" of a saloon", to borrow your own meaningless words? To have the best of both worlds huh? How could one have the best of a coupe (or saloon) if only half of the coupe (and saloon) is present in that car? That means I only have half coupe and half saloon. How could I then have the best of both a coupe and saloon? You fuckin' moron! I tell you, people who want the "best of both worlds" are the people who go for this kind of thing! Yes, this car speaks for itself!

By the way, you Germans, haven't you heard of GT? Yes. GT. No, not Gesunt heit. GT for Grand Touring, or Grand Tourer.  It is auto lingo for sports car which could accommodate a 2+2 siting arrangement and comfortable enough to be driven on a long journey. You know? So, a GT is a better bet if one wants a big sporty car which could take on 4 persons on a long journey. If one wants it to go fast as well, well, one could opt for a GTR, or in case you dumb assed don't know, Grand Tourer Racing. Which means the car is a GT and it runs very fast too, like it is a racing car. GT or GTR. Not a half coupe half saloon thingy.  Stupid Germans! Monkeys!

Ooh...wait...wait...look at this. " The lineup starts with the CLS550. It's equipped with a 5.5-liter V8 developing 382 horsepower and 391 pound-feet of torque. The CLS63 AMG has a 6.2-liter V8 that makes 507 hp and 465 lb-ft...Mercedes says the CLS63 AMG needs only 4.5 seconds to hit 60 mph." Huh? 507 horse power for a half coupe half saloon? Are you all Germans out of your mind? Picture this. The boss is at the back of the car, and he suddenly tells the driver "Muthu, accelerate to 60mph in 4.5 seconds please". Like duh? Why would a half coupe half saloon need that kind of power? Is it going to be driven on the track ah, this car? Is this car going to take part in a drag race? Or fancy driving it at 260kph on the highway? Someone with the money to buy this car would of course have the money to buy a proper, and very fast, sports car. Why would he buy this piece of crap?

German crap!

The Boring Introduction

Lawyers write a lot. Corporate lawyers have to draft long but nobody reads unless there is a dispute agreements and litigation lawyers write long affidavits and submissions to the opposite party. In between, they write opinions and articles where again, nobody can comprehend. At least, I don't.

If you think that all these writing and stuff make them more creative, nah ah I don't think so. I am just focusing on lawyers here because these days, most of the articles I read are written by lawyers or at least what I am about to write is more apparent amongst lawyers. Except for some, I normally hate these articles, especially the introductions.

The article maybe heavy with knowledge, helpful and interesting blah, blah, blah but an introduction that starts with a definition will normally give you the feeling that what you are about to read is nothing more than a vomit.

If you do not believe me, tell me how many times have you read a legal article that did not start with the phrase "It is an establish legal principle", "It is an established law", " It is almost settled proposition" In the case of so and so" or "section 4 of the Lazy to think Act 1840 states". I believe the answer is not many, at least to me.

Agh..... Why, Why Why? I think a 12 year old can write better introductions. I cringe every time I have to read an article that starts like that.

While we cannot judge an article by the introduction, an introduction is still an invitation to read. Some may write the introduction last but that does not matter, an introduction creates the first impression of the writer to the reader. It is almost like saying hello to someone you just met, you quickly take a good look of his face, clothes etc and make up an opinion whether you will like this person or just throw him off the friend's shelves. Things can go awfully wrong just from the way you say hello. The same with articles, a boring introduction might throw people off and since they don't read, you never get your message across. What a waste of effort then.

Fine, write whatever you want, show everybody that you are smart and know lots of stuff in law but introductions like that made me wonder whether you are lazy. Does not matter if the rest of the article states otherwise, you bore me already like I am bored with myself, right now. No particular reason, I just started this with a boring introduction.

Well, Fried Kuey Teow

That was my lunch yesterday and the topic of today's discussion. It is also an exemplary picture of a well fried Fried Kuey Teow (WFKT, fer short). It is theoretically not difficult to produce WKFT.

Firstly, you need a roaring flaming fire, the type that flicks and leaps threateningly into the trembling air. If it doesn't roar, it ain't hot enough.

Secondly, you need an old regularly used big ass beat up wok to do the cooking. It's got to be large enough that if you wore it on your head upside down, the edges should reach your chin. If it reaches any lower, you're Einstein and Bob's your uncle. The more used it is the better because that means some of the goodness from earlier fry ups that didn't get dished out with it might come unstuck in yours. Yeaaahahaha. You sometimes see those black flecks or odd shaped thin black slices in there? That's the good stuff. Now the most important part about the wok is that it must be fwoking hwok! If it ain't fwoking hwok, it ain't fwok.

Thirdly, you need a big assed scarred and mean looking stainless steel spatula. You don't need to know why. If you don't have this then please go home and place it carefully where the sun doesn't shine. And yes, I mean the drawer. Sheesh. Like grow up people.

Fourthly, ideally it would be great if the kuey teow is made by virgins from China with the most gentlest hands, long hair and big breasts dressed in red cheong sams with high slits on the sides because those are the best. If you can't get then eat lah what you can. Try and by them fresh as you can. Don't buy the preserved one. It's bad for our health and for men it can cause koro.

Fifth, you need to have the freshest eggs (free range), huge prawns (cos they shrink a whole lot), fat and juicy kerang, thin slices of squid (no janggut please, so tak kelassss ), small cuts of red snapper, scallop, New Zealand flown muscles, a bit of lala ready to be thrown into the mix and also have a bit of some barbecued marinated salmon and crayfish on the grill plate. Throw in some green onions, chopped garlic, soy sauce, and a bi' a chili paste to the fwoking hwok wok.

Sixthly, you need to have the passionate cooking face where you make all sorts of 'meaningful' facial contortions to reflect the passionate drama of the fusing of the ingredients as you, with feeling of course, crash the spatula noisily against fwoking hwok wok (it's rather annoying isn't it?).

Voi-fookin'-la.

You may by now have noticed that I said not one word about the tau geh. This is deliberate. And this is a little known fact but a WFKT should not have tau geh. It should be bereft of this monstrous culinary weed because it is so high in water content that it tends to dilute the good and delicious taste of a WKFT. This is because the good taste molecules easily bonds with water molecules especially those kept in tau geh and seeps out of the WFKT. That is why when WKFT is fried with tau geh, it always tastes weaker or less intense. Try it without the tau geh. You will find the taste is more potent, imagine the muscles on the shoulders of a huge male bull those that die in the bullfighting ring - it's something like that. Powerful. Raw. Tasty.

Well, Well Fried Kuey Teow.

Get the hell out of here now and get some.

and the last dice is thrown...or is it?

What's the difference between politicians and women? Well, you can live without them! If you are facing a cobra and a politician, and you have a gun with one bullet, what should you do? Don't do anything. The cobra would bite the politician anyway!

Seriously, Dr Mahathir, the mother of all politicians, appeared to have thrown the last dice early this week by announcing that he was leaving the party, his life membership notwithstanding. Which brings me to a technical question. If he is (or was) a life member, how could he leave with him being still alive? Or for those of you ninkomps out there, let me put it another way. Read this slowly, real slowly. If he is (or was) a life member, which means he is (or was) a member for life, which also means as long as he is alive, he is a member, than, how could he leave the party unless he is not alive, or in other word, dead? Get it? Well I don't. I mean, I don't get the answer. I have googled "life membership" and I still don't get any answer. I had also searched "life membership" in Wikipedia and I am still non the wiser. A trip to howstuffswork.com had also yielded me with no stuff. So, I don't know. Go figure.

Than today, I read that daddy's boy, Mukhriz, had refused to leave the party. He however subscribed to daddy's position that Pak Lah should resign. Hmm...how ah? On one hand he support his father. On the other foot, he doesn't supports his father. Can ah? I mean, isn't that like, so lame. Sorry, let me repeat that question with more vigour. Isn't that like, so fucking lame? I thought he was daddy's biggest supporter, no? Or is it just about maintaining the balance ah? I mean, one fellow can now shout and scream outside the glass house while the other one fellow can throw pinggan mangkuk inside the glass house? Hmm...make sense. First, we were foisted with Mahathironomics. Now it is Mahatantrumism.

Mahathir Mohamad. What shall I write now? What does your name evoke? Well, let me say this. I see you now as a clown. A clown who has lost his place in this big and very entertaining circus. A has been. That is you, Mahathir Mohamad. The funny thing is this. You are now so fucking funny. You were not funny at all when you own the circus. In fact you were downright pathetic then. But now, after you had left the circus, you are freaking funny shit man. I fucking laugh at the very mention of your name. And when you speak, I just ROTFLMAO! Really.

So now what do you expect? Your own son is not accepting your call for members to leave the party. Are you now expecting 1 million UMNO members to leave UMNO? Fat chance mate. I think this time you have miscalculated mate. Have you not noticed that UMNO members had always come together when there is a threat, or perceived threat, from outside the party? I am disappointed if you, off all the political creatures, failed to notice that fact. I think you are going to lose this gamble joe.

Anyway, it does not escape many people that last week you made the headlines as well. The Royal Commission had implicated you in the Linggam scandal. Hmm...I put 2 and 2 together, and it sure doesn't come up with anything else but 4. Or is it just me having a fertile imagination huh?

So, if my postulation is correct, what is your next move? Let me guess. Cut your testicles? Naah...don't be silly okay. This is what you should do. First option. Get back into UMNO. Then run for UMNO Youth Deputy Chief with your son, Mukhriz, as the Chief. Why UMNO Youth you may ask. Well, UMNO Youth got keris mah...gagah la sikit like that. For Presidency, you can ask Sanusi Junid, your mate, to run. Tok Mat Rahmat (is he still alive ha?), can run for Deputy President. Something like that la.

Second option. Sue UMNO. Get it de-registered. Then form UMNO terBaru. Then you can get another life membership bearing number 001. Waddaya think? Awesome eh?

Third option. Go and mintak ampun to Anwar Ibrahim and masuk PKR. May be Anwar will form a new wing in PKR -just like Puteri UMNO in UMNO- for people like you. Perhaps it can be called Nenekanda PKR or something like that. And you can head it. Like tawdally cool man. Sorry. It should read, like tawdally kewl man. Ya. Like that.

Fourth option. Well, why don't you just shut up?

Leadership Qualities

These days everybody wants thinks they or their children need to be a leader to get ahead in life. And 'to get ahead in life' is usually measured in terms of income earning ability, not in terms of personal self development or a wide, mature and wise view of the world. If only life were so simplistic. But since people live in hope - they hope for the simplistic and so it is not uncommon to see 'leadership courses' for 10 year olds with words written inside an explosive word balloon promising 'Straight A's', 'CEO Position In the Future', 'Possible High Earnings in the Future'. They promise everything except Einstein like genius and Ron Jeremy like sexual abilities (and maybe penis) but I think they just haven't figured out how to work that angle. So you'll probably hear crap like that in 2 to 3 years (unless they get the whole penis angle going earlier).

This thinking is not just simplistic, it goes beyond, all the way deep into the realm of the stupid. Firstly, leaders need not be the smartest men or women in the room. Intelligence is not the only thing that makes a leader although a reasonable amount of this quality is important and encouraged. Hitler was not the brightest chap in the Nazi regime but he certainly was the most powerfully charismatic and psychotic of the lot, but he was a leader because he could lead. He led a nation into the second World War against other countries. He could command the confidence, minds and hearts of millions who hung on his every word like Jenna Jameson hangs on Mason's turgid and hard cock in Jenna's Playhouse.

This brings me to my next point. A leader is first and foremost someone who people tend to follow naturally or is able to command a following from people. He must have that undefinable quality of having people want to know what he thinks or does. And for that reason I think charisma to be the far greater and important quality to have as a leader. If people don't want to hear, see or be with you then there's no way you can utilize any of the other important skills as a leader such as intelligence, maturity, decisiveness, initiative and some outrageous fallibility or poor quality that always threatens to overshadow and wipe out his other good qualities in the realm of public opinion.

And this is why I think those leadership classes or seminars or little tuition groups that give leadership lessons to be full of leadershit and just a waste of time and money. You just cannot 'teach' either children or adults how to be a leader because charisma is natural. Sure you can work at it, make yourself look better, lose some weight, take elocution classes, completely slaughter the lambs at a Toastmasters dinner (hah!) and be a CEO of a company but you will never, ever have the gravitas, effect and power of natural charisma. To better explain this let's turn to the world of golf. Now there are a lot of good players out there - some with bags of natural talent and some who didn't have talent but worked very hard at it and came out on top. But none of them can match the sheer ability of Tiger Woods, God of Golf, whose natural talents alone outclass almost 70% of the field (his training eliminates the other 29%, that 1% is bad luck or bad tournament). No matter how hard you train, you will never beat him one on one when both of you are at your peak, because your peak is only half way up his peak. Puns are intended unless advised otherwise. That's how it is with natural charisma and cultured charisma, but with this difference: just because you do all those things, it does not necessarily mean that your efforts aggregate towards success.

And this is the other thing - not everybody can be a leader and I don't think everybody's supposed to be one. If everybody was a leader and busy giving orders, who's gonna do them? And leaders best quality is just that - leading people. Their other skills tend to pale into comparison with this one. So though leaders are the most visible point of focus for media and the public perception, there are others that 'make' the leader - his advisor, his lawyer, his public relations officer, etc, the waiters, waitresses, the trash collectors, right down to the janitor that keeps histoilets clean (thank you so much good sir and madam or miss! I want you to know I appreciate you!). Alexander the Great would not have been great if he did not have good and dependable generals and soldiers, in fact he would be Alexander the Dead.

Finally, J. Paul Getty in his terribly readable and interesting instruction cum biography 'How to be Rich' talks about what a leader is from a business perspective which I think to be of general application: 'The successful businessman is a leader - who solicits opinion and advice from his subordinates, but makes the final decisions, gives the orders and assumes the responsibility for whatever happens.' And this is not the kind of leadership you see much of in Malaysia. Making the decisions and taking responsibility for it. There are a lot of pretenders around here. Alot of the so called leaders you see around here take the consensus based approach to decision making.

You can guess by now that I'm the type who thinks this 'consensus based decision making' to be a lot of nonsense (this is as polite as I can be to describing just what I think about it without using a whole jizzload of four and several six and seven letter words that would make even Pedro's grandmother's blush [he's some Colombian 23 year old plumber I never met and admit I am taking improper liberties with him and especially his grandmother]). Whazzat mean? To me, how I see it is that the leader now just turns into a manifestation or mouthpiece of that collective consensus. So he is like a speaker phone, merely a conduit. And a conduit certainly cannot lead people much less find its own arsehole, so a leader who takes that kind of approach is a leader in the fake sense of the word.

If it's so obvious Mr. Daef, why do they do this? Well you snotting little piece of shit to ask, because these fakers have what all politicians always need - someone to blame. And that in politics is priceless. So since whatever cock decision was done consensus based the faker can now place blame on everybody and claim that since they were only translating the will of the majority, they cannot be at fault and therefore have to resign or sacked. Ducking the bullet they are supposed to take. That is what passes off for leadership around here these days.

And that is all I have to say about that today.

Chinese Drug Dealers

Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia

16 May 2008

Hey, you a Chinese Drug Dealer, mister?
You having problems with police?
Sign ups now!
Chinese Drug Dealers Association, Federal Territory and Selangor.
Membership having its privileges and bulky discounting.
Be a registered Chinese Drug Dealer.
Be a man.

Book Stocking in Malaysian Bookstores

Of this I am certain. At least 95% of the people working in bookshops in Malaysia don't really read. And when I say read I mean current affairs, serious or classic fiction and other non-fiction books like psychology, history, physical science, philosophy, etc. instead of magazines with more pictures than words (except adult men's magazines - those need as few words as possible and most tasteful close ups) and those books devoid of anybody's time. The truth is I am usually amazed that most of the books in our local bookstores are shelved right. But you can tell whether the staff are reading or not if you look closely at the shelves.
A person who reads tend to be particular about where books are placed. So I'm fessing up - I hate to see books put in their wrong place. It annoys the piss out of me. So one shite day when I saw the above book in that place, I snapped. Actually, it was more like a crackle but I thought snapped sounded a bit more dramatic but seemed to hint at violent intent of which I had absolutely none. But anyway, maybe I shouldn't have gone over to the bookstore after a long day. It was one of those weeks you just want to survive through. I thought I was coming in here for a little M&A (Manga and Alternative).
And just as I was heading out of The Borders branch at The Curve, Mutiara Damansara, almost breaking into full stride with head leading the body, afraid that if I lingered any longer the pile of books would be like a magnet to those other books, sucking them into my basket, I made a break for the cashier. So beginning from the Philosophy section at the North East corner of the store, I rounded the bend and there about to launch into a full stride when out of the corner of my eye, I saw the above. I mean like, if there was a book police right there I'd write the report. Jail those illiterate bastards.
Now I've read the book. So I know that firstly, it is not 'self-help' in a sense that it is to help you help yourself. No, it is more self-help for the author, now he's got a regular source of income and some claim to fame as a 'writer' (we have a low threshold of what constitutes writers in this country). So it should not be there. And check it out, where is the Self-Help section housed under? The goddamned Psychology column. And look how prominent it is almost three quarters of a bookshelf! Talk about far off, these guys were up Uranus. And if you think there was nothing to help these Uranians, the subtitle of the book was "In Good Faith: Articles, Essays and Interviews". I was thinking, how on earth did it occur to these aliens that it should be slotted there.

I was so annoyed that I went straight to the customer service counter and told them of the offence. I tell ya Jed if I had 'em cuffs, I would have read them their raghts (to be read with a thick Southern I screwed my cousin accent). The guy at the counter got all worried about what I was worked up about. Even though he appeared to have heard everything I said about the book and how it was inappropriately placed, he understood nothing. I could have been speaking to him in Uranian and he still would not know any better. So I pointed at him with my index finger and then pulled it in as I pointed my thumb at me and motioned him to follow me. He managed to grab a more senior assistant on the way there (he was coming towards us) and together the three of us made our way down to the crime scene. I pointed at the book, opened it, and read the back to them to prove to them that the book was not stocked in the right place. They asked me where they should stock it. So I saw that just opposite that column is the 'Malaysiana' corner and pointed there. They nodded pensively and then very politely asked me to wait at the customer service so they could get their manager to come see me.
The poor chap came running down and almost out of breath when he got to me and hurriedly ask if I was the author of the book. Hilarious. I told him I wasn't and then he seemed befuddled. He then asked me what was wrong with the place where it was put. At least he understood the human English language. He was very nice about it and said he will move it accordingly and thanked me for my alertness. It's a damn shame these poor chaps don't take an interest. I think one turn around the bookstore just before opening in the morning will cut down the more glaring errors. I wish there was one bookstore in Malaysia that was immaculate but I cannot. I have time and time again found errors in all the major bookstores in the Klang Valley.
I don't think we are anywhere like those Australian, English or American bookstores where the staff read a fair bit themselves and give personal recommendations that they pin up next to the book and explain why they enjoyed it, especially for less heavily marketed books, which I absolutely love. These bookstores are immaculate and you tend to find some very interesting and compulsive books that you may not have read about or that has appeared in any chart list. In those countries, I love those huge book marts and especially those cozily run independent stores that have a charm all of their own and their book selection to be very thoughtful and cultured. And you will never find Zaid Ibrahim's book shelved in the psychology section.
Unless, those Uranians know something that I don't.
Goddamned aliens.