Things people say which really, they shouldn't say, coz they mean absolutely nothing!

1. First on this list is the oft repeated/used phrase: I apologise if I had offended you; I apologise for all inconvenience caused; I apologise for being correct but you cannot appreciate that I am correct and you are offended because of your inability to do so and therefore you are a moron and so I apologise for your feeling so as I now know that you are a moron...or any phrase to that effect.

I have written about this here. And so I am not going to say more. Except for saying that politicians, stupid morons who think others are as moronic as themselves and lobotomised monkeys are so fond of this useless, insulting, meaningless and totally irritating phrase. To those who is fond of saying this phrase, let me say this. You are a fucking moron! If you are offended, well, I am sorry.

2. Second on this list is: I know that this is the very thing she/he would want me to do if she/he is alive; If she/he is alive, she/he would do this very thing which I am about to do now; She/he wouldn't have done it any differently had she/he been alive or phrases to this effect. You know la what I mean.

Hello? You are quite a piece of work aren't you? Fucking bullshit! He/she is as fucking dead as a door knob you idiot! How would you know that? Duh! Some months ago, the British icons of squeaky clean living and mother's boy, Prince Harry and Prince Williams, decided to have a big bash. They had no tangible reasons for wanting to do that. So they said they knew their mother, the dead Lady Diana, would want her to be remembered on the anniversary of her death, in a big party. Yeah rite....they knew. And how old were they when their mother got bumped off the airbags in that dreadful Mercedes (Mercedes is a stupid car, by the way!) driven by that drunk Brits? Yo! If you want to do something, just do it. Don't say you are doing it because some dead people had wanted you to do it. Idiots.

3. Third on the list: If I could turn back the clock , I would or wouldn't put his/her head in that crocodile's mouth at the zoo. Well, you get what I mean.

Awesome! This phrase is just awesome in its uselessness, meaninglessness and irritatingness. Unless I have been so out of tune with scientific reality, which I think I have not - and you are an idiot if you think so, and I am sorry if you are offended by that last remark, tho' I think you are a klumptz for feeling so - the last time I read my science book, I notice that yes, you can of course turn your clock backward (if it is an analogue clock, as opposed to a digital one, coz it is not possible to "turn" a digital clock back!), but it is not possible to go back in time. Yes, it is impossible for you to travel back in time. And that is notwithstanding you having turned your clock (analogue, mind you, not digital - please read the preceding sentence). No. You just can't go back in time. Losers, sentimentalist (please emphasise the "MENTAL" part when you read the word "sentiMENTAList"), hopeless nothing-better-to-do romantics, guilt ridden virgin killers and politicians who have just lost their seats love this utterly stupid phrase. What an arse! Really.

4. Fourth on this list is this utterly self-serving -confident-for-no-reason-other-than-to- declare-one's-arrogance phrase, namely, "If I were to relive my life, I wouldn't have changed it a bit" or "I would have done the same thing all over again" or "I would have lived my life in exactly the same way as I don't have any regret" bla bla bla ...

Yea rite! Bullshit of the year! Why, you mean you would relive your life all over again in exactly the same way? Including the time you were caught wanking at the back of the classroom by the very teacher who was the object of your self-relief? And you are saying you would have betted for Liverpool to win the Premier League in 2000/2001/2003/2004/2005/2006/2007 and 2008 all over again? And what about the night you puked on your girlfriend's boobs while trying to shag her after a party at Hard Rock? Or the time your mate kicked the beejeezus out of your teeth while you dived head on for a flying header during the football practice? You would relive them all over again? You are either an idiot or a liar. Or both.

By the way, it is impossible for you to relive your live. Please see number 3 above. Bullshit!

5. Fifth on the list is favoured by people who can't really understand English, simple minded people and stupid people, which come to think of it, are the same bunch of people. The phrase sounds like this: "I wouldn't do that if I were you..."

Well stupid, you are not me. And I am not you. I did what I did because I wasn't and will not be you. Also because you weren't and will not be me. Ever. If I were you - on the assumption that that is possible in the first place, which I think is not (but then again, you might know something which I don't know, because I am not you and you are not me) - than of course, I would not do that thing which I did, because you obviously would not do that thing which I did when I was myself and not you. Get it? But the phrase which you had just uttered, well, I wouldn't have uttered it if I were you, because it does not make any sense. You know why? Because if you were me, you would become me and you would act my way, because you had become me. So, if you had become me, then surely you would have done the very same thing which I had done, because you are now me and not yourself. The correct phrase is therefore, "I would have done the same thing you had done if I were you". Correct? Well, if you did not understand, it is truly understandable, because you are not me. If you were me, you would have understood it. That is because I am the one who had thought of it and written it. And since you are now me, you would have understood it. But of course, you are not me. Not before. Not now. So, perhaps that is why you did not and do not and will not understand it. Get it? Moron!

6. This is interesting. "I wouldn't have missed this for the world!"

Really? You mean you wouldn't have missed this funeral of your boss' father for the world? Even for Scarlet Johansen waiting for you in a tight leather pants with red bra and panties together with Jessica Alba who coincidentally is tagged along by Rhihanna? You wouldn't have missed it. Would you? Well, if I were you, I probably wouldn't too. But I tell you what. If you were me, you would have given it a miss. Even if it was my own funeral. You twerp!

7. This is favoured by UMNO leaders. "I would contest if the members want me to do so."

Well well well. Bro, if you had wanted to contest, say so la. I WANT TO CONTEST. Because I had always wanted to be the Prime Minister. I don't care what you all think. All I know is that I want to contest. Because I think I was born to contest this post. And I tell you what. I am good. I will be a really good leader. Well, at least, I would be a better leader than the current one. So, all you stupid people, this is your chance. Nominate me. Now. If I were you, I would do so now. And if you were me, you would also do so now.

This is the most faggotsy-flimsy-no-balls-non-committal phrase which is ever so popular among UMNO leaders come party election year. They are afraid to make a commitment, because they might not get enough nomination later. So, they utter this utterly useless no balls phrase. So that if they had enough nomination, they could say it's not me who want to contest against the incumbent, it's the people who want me to do so. And who am I to deny the people rite? If only they could just take the bull by its horn and go for it. Show some balls. Faggots!

Twitch

Sometimes, sometimes, I get those muscle twitches you know. It's not dramatic or anything. I don't flail about and foam at the mouth. None of that stuff. I just feel it right there on my forearm for example. See, I can see the skin, just there, ha, ha, that area trembling ever so slightly there. I can only imagine the threshing and twitching of the sinewy rope of muscles along my forearm. I get that once in a very long while. Not that often. It's not a common thing. Now and then kind of thing. This time it was my forearm. The other time it was my thigh. I wonder why it does that. Not sure whether I felt it around my right shoulder the other day. Maybe I was tired. It's as if that part of my body took a breather on behalf of the rest of the muscles in the body and chose to do so at that convenient and optimal spot. I mean it does not impede with the more important areas. I mean I don't get the twitchy feeling on my ass, or head, or, or my internal organs like my heart for example. So that's a good thing, I suppose. I should be happier, I guess. We must be thankful for little mercies because uh I don't know what large or big mercies are. Uhm thankful for little mercies because because nothing's free these days. Na, ah. No sir-ree. Not that it matters. I'll take those any day because, because no, this is isn't happening, please, no, I, twitch

How to do Banana Leaf Properly

This guide is primarily meant for foreigners with proper visa to Malaysia who are unacquainted with our beautiful, affordable and accessible culture and country and want to know how to experience it best where it concerns Banana Leaf meals. If you don't have a proper visa to come into our country, please stop reading and rub a banana all over your body after you sat on it for 3 hours you sick bastard. Now, a banana leaf meal can only be obtained in Mamak joints like the one below. You cannot obtain meals like this in a hotel, at the KLCC mall or by the side of the road at a gerai. Banana leaf meals ideally need structure and so they tend to be housed in shoplots. One of my favourite joints is Restoran Sri Paandi (TTDI) which is shown below.

There are no doors to the restaurant, so you just walk right in and find yourself an available table. When it gets too crowded, you can join others at tables after smiling at the adjacent patrons and making the correct facial contortion to ask whether the seat next to you is occupied. You are not advised to use any words because it may not be interpreted correctly and you may start a fight in the restaurant. After you sit down your unfriendly disinterested Indian national waiter who has not had enough sleep and only bathed 2 days ago will come over to take your order. Don't make small chat. If you do he and his 23 other friends will end up staying at your house. Instead, state precisely what you want. These days you have to ask for your banana leaf because the owners prefer to give you some shitty metal plate with the appropriate indentations in it to put the kuah and roti. Don't take the metal plate. There's no kick eating from that device. You might as well be eating off the carcass of a 10 day old buffalo that's been submerged in the nearby river. If they don't give it willingly, demand for it. Say, 'Saya mau itu daun kalau tak saya berak dalam seluar saya.' Say those precise words. Don't worry if they laugh at you. That's how they deal with criticism. Finally, you should get the leaf which looks like this.

Take a close look at the leaf. Do you notice how the right side is cleaner than the left side? That's because I've wiped the right side with a tissue. You are encouraged to do this. The left side hasn't been wiped and looks like there are dried cum stains on it. If this is not reason enough for you to wipe it, you are a sick bastard/bitch and if I ever bump into you I'm gonna be your pimp. And don't you dare worry, I'll give you a better fee split than your regular pimp.

You should also order your drink. I recommend teh tarik manya manis. Never you mind what it means. It's good stuff. And if all goes well, it should look like this:

Now that you've got your drink, you can move on to the food. Now if you are in a banana leaf joint before 11 am then you are entitled to order a roti canai. This works best before 11. If you order rice before that, you will not get it because it won't be ready. If it is ready though and you eat it, you will explode 30 minutes later after releasing an explosive potent curry smelling fart. You have been warned! After 11 the owners will try to force you to take the rice because it means you take more side dishes. It's all about the money honey. If you want roti you can still fight for it and make a scene. I find that throwing myself on the floor or running around and hiding behind the restaurant pillars whilst singing Koosh Koosh Hota Hay poorly does help significantly. The only problem is that this doesn't help your reputation. But hey, whatever works right?

And while waiting for the roti, ask your waiter to bring the 3 Amigos over which looks like this:

The 3 Amigos is where they store the curry. The usual curry they have in there is fish curry, chicken curry and dhall. These are the holy trinity of curries. Ye shall know them vell. And if you want the 3 Amigos you don't say, 'Apu, I want 3 Amigos.' What you will get is 3 hefty Indian chaps with massive penises who would bend you over the aircond compressor at the back giving you the Madras Backdoor Special. As mentioned earlier, you do not speak. What you do to get the 3 Amigos is make like you are carrying a small bucket and swinging it in front of your face. If you want it faster, make an angry face and hope he doesn't piss in your teh tarik. When you get the 3 Amigos, you put the curry on your banana leaf like this (I know you are not a stupid bastard but I took the picture already so let me lah okay? See the mister in the picture also wiping his big fat banana... leaf):

Now, the roti should be here once you've sorted out your drink curry and wiped the stains of your leaf and it should look something like this:

I won't go into the kazillion variations of the simple and humble roti canai. A good roti canai should be fluffily brittle, soft and light. The one above is not too bad and is typical. If tearing it to pieces is to difficult for a foreigner like you, you can ask them to cut it up for you too. So how to eat this is you tear a piece, dip it in the curry, chew 28 times and then swallow. If you want to make it more tasty then you should order some side dishes. My favourites are the freshly fried fish and chicken featured below. And you gotta tell them you want it fresh off the burner. If not they're gonna serve you that chicken their grandmother fried for them in India 5 years ago and still sits in the food buffet near the cash counter.


And once you have whacked the food as hard and as plentifully as you can, your table should look like this:
If the table doesn't look like that after you have finished, kindly ensure that you arrange it so that it does conform to the example above. If you fail to do this as a foreigner you can be charged under section 33(1)(g) of the Mamak Restaurants Act 2003 and should you be found guilty sentenced up to 3 years imprisonment or a fine or in lieu of both, 3 consecutive rounds of the Madras Backdoor Special in 12 hours.

Welcome to Malaysia, truly Aysia.

6 reasons why I do not like to refuel my car

I wish my car can refuel automatically.

Imagine how much time you can save when you don't have to go to the petrol station to refuel your car. I really hate going to petrol stations.

First, I have to allocate some time to go to petrol stations for refuelling purposes. My car usually becomes dry at the most inappropriate time, when I am busy, sleepy, tired, rushing to go to work, catch a movie, appointments, dates etc etc and at the most inappropriate place, which is a place where the closest petrol station is more than 1km away. For instance, there are no petrol stations on the way from Pantai Dalam to KL. Sure I can always make a turning to Bangsar but I want something along the way and not when I am almost in KL, at a petrol station near Menara Tan & Tan, wishing helplessly that my car will not go dead on me!

Second, these stations are normally out of the way from both my house and office. It was okay before because there were three petrol stations before I reached my house. Now, if I wanted to refuel after work, I might as well wait until the next day. There are no petrol stations at the new KL-Putrajaya highway and NPE. When I get home, no petrol stations either! I have to turn all the way to the road on the way to my house and straight ahead for the far away U-turn. That's a waste of fuel!

Third, I do not like the smell of petrol and somehow every time I refuelled, the smells linger for about half and hour or so. The only way to let out the smell is to wind down my car windows but that will opened me up to other dangers, the mat rempit might grab my handbag or molest me! OK, the odds of that happening are small but winding the car windows may invite other forms of nuisance inside the car like smoke and heat.

Fourth, I have to walk to the main to pay for my petrol. Sure I can pay by credit card but I have made a point that I shall not pay by credit card. Credit cards are for shopping and other emergencies. Some petrol stations have attendants at the island where you can pay to them without walking the 1 minute walk to the main. Hm.. okay lah this is alright, at least I don't have to sweat myself by walking to main just to pay for my petrol.

Fifth, after I finished refuelling, I have to drive out from the petrol stations and they are usually located at busy roads and I find it difficult to get out. Besides, the moment I refuel, I have this feeling that I am letting other cars that were behind me go ahead. I feel like at the moment I am back on the road, I have to start all over again.

Sixth, is what I hate the most because after the fifth day of my last refuelling, I have to go to the petrol station again for refuelling. I did a quick research on fuels. If I bought the more expensive fuel and not speed, it could last me for 7 days if I do not go anywhere else besides my office. The normal petrol will last about 5 days, if I decided to gallivant, it would last for 3 days. If I decided to go home to JB, I have to refuel twice ,once before I hit the highway and another when I want to drive around JB. The amazing thing about JB is that I need not refuel for 8 to 9 days because everywhere is so near.

I am just lazy and it will be nice to have someone who can refuel my car and maintain it for me. I just want to drive.

Disease to Go

Mutiara Damansara TNB Substation, Selangor
May 2008

Call 'em. You know you needs it.
Diabetes.
Cos you don't have enough on your plate.

Courier

The Courier. It's a classic. Everybody would have seen it. How could they not? IBM commissioned in the 1950s for use in its typewriters it rapidly spread to become the de facto standard for typewriters. So naturally it's a standard on even the most basic word processors. It's up there with the greats - Arial and Times New Roman.

But I hate it. I used to like it when I actually typed on typewriters but not these days. It's fat, takes up a lot of space, awfully square and fearsomely predictable. And not just I think so. The US State Department changed its standard typeface from 12 point Courier New to 14 point Times New Roman citing the desire for a more modern and legible font. Yeah, Yeah. The Americans get an A plus for giving some formal bullshit for a straightforward and simple answer.
Basically, it's ugly.

Marvel

Sometimes when I am so neck deep in the vagaries and vicissitudes of living, I try to remind myself to step back and marvel. The best example I can give by way of explanation is times when I sometimes find myself looking over a beautiful landscape of sea or stone and then see an aeroplane slowly but steadily making its way across the sky as if it were set on invisible tracks across the often deep blue sky flecked with migrating giant herds of cumulus clouds. Sometimes it is so far that it is like a small black sliver.

And then for a moment, I try my best to suspend all thoughts and ideas and induce complete ignorance of whatever I have learned, and try to experience the imagery in that mental state. And when I look at the aeroplane in that mental state, I find myself in awe at the marvel of it. I'll probably be even have some stupidly serene look on. But there you have it. The average 747 has a maximum take off weight at takeoff of 870,000 pounds. It can achieve average (in terms of configuration) maximum speeds of 800 m/ph for commercial ones. More than 200 people can fit in such an aircraft. It is probably the fastest and most powerful transport vehicle that nature has probably ever seen (though I will not be surprised to be disappointed).

Then I look down at my hands. Rub them together and feel the softness of my flesh. Flick at my nails to feel my calcium brittleness. And then think to myself how amazing human ingenuity is. From putting 2 sticks together to light a fire in a cave, fast forward to about 8000 BC when agriculture first began in the Fertile Crescent of Mesopotamia and then to Neil Armstrong landing on the moon barely 9,000 years later and here we are sitting in front of our desktops isolated yet at the click of a button instantly connected to somebody, anybody. And if you don't like them, no problem, click again. What genius we are as a species. The rest of the living stuff prefer to be in the water splashing about, or on all fours and naked, or whatever. And if we round it up generously we achieved that in about say oh about 20,000 years. That's more than double time if you ask me. Wooosh like quick.

And after recovering from that pleasant reverie and after fully recovering all that I had so surprisingly easily suspended (there was so little to do apparently), I think what a stupid bunch of idiots we are as a species.