Showing posts with label Adult Fairytales. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Adult Fairytales. Show all posts

Monday, July 7, 2008

i Am BoRed...

Bala oh Bala,

kenaper engko camtu

camner aku tak camtu

aku ditimpa bala


bala oh bala

kenaper engko timper Bala

camner aku tak timpa Bala

Bala carik aku


Bala oh Bala

kenaper ko carik bala

bukan aku yang carik bala

bala yang ikut aku


bala oh bala

kenaper plak engko ikut Bala

camner aku tak ikut Bala

Bala suker panggil aku


Bala oh Bala

mengaper engko sker panggil bala

bukan aku sker panggil bala

orang panggil aku Bala


Orang oh orang

kenaper ko sker panggil Bala

camner kiter tak panggil Bala

itu dah memang namer dier


memang namer dier

memang namer dier...

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Okin of the Twilight Kingdom: Maro (Part 4)

Warm. Cozy. Tucked in. Ready for sleep to claim me. It was the best of times which meant the worse of times was just around the corner. Though I could feel the hardness of my wooden bed through the razor thin mattress, gently, ever so gently they were turning into a sheaf of feathers, carrying me up into oblivion. When out of the darkness there was an ominous gentle rapping at my door. Instantly, I silently and quickly made went to the door and opened it. Beautiful Juna, stood before me in her dark brown robes holding a flickering candle. Her eyes were bright and large like the moon, although tonight the spectre of fear shone from them.
'I am sorry to trouble you so late, Maro. The Elder has bid me to ask that you be quickly dressed for a long and difficult journey. You are to pack as lightly as you can carrying only the essential. You are also to wear the karank. Once you are done, you are to meet him at the Temple,' she said quietly though clearly, her voice trembling with fear. 'Oh Maro, I have never seen or heard of The Elder so distraught. And now you are to leave us.'
Ah, Beautiful Juna! The concern in your voice does fill my heart with courage and elation. So long have I admired you from afar, afraid to speak my love for you, for fear that I may offend; for you are bethrothed to another. We had caught each other's glances every now and again, and confined ourselves to matters mundane, but now suddenly I had to know. Did she feel anything for me? Might it be more than mere friendship? It now became more important than my impending journey.
'Dear Juna, I am certain that my leave should not distress you.'
She made no move to my words though a tear escaped her glassy large eyes.
'Oh Maro! I am thoroughly distressed! I love you. I have always loved you. Now you are to leave perhaps never to come back! I feel so foolish now to keep my feelings for you, only to tell you now,' she cried as she suddenly hugged me tightly. 'Oh Maro, you may not return!'
I was complete. My heart instead of beating wildly became intsensely calm. Death could have claimed me. I would not have resisted. I held her finally in my arms, feeling her warmth, her softness against me.
'Is it so dangerous a journey?' I asked.
'Yes. I overheard a little just before I entered the room. I think you are to take the Obayamaashi to Great Ankura in Suissen. The journey there is long and dangerous. From what I heard Great Ankura is more dangerous than the journey there Maro!'
'I have heard similarly. But I care nothing for that now. You have spoken of your love for me. So let me now confess that I too have loved you from afar, like a poet the moon. But what of your betrothal?'
'I shall never be with him so long as you dwell in my love, Maro.'
'Then I shall return to claim our love.'
Her grip around me tightened as she sobbed into my chest. Finally, her sobbing stopped and she looked up at me with her wet tear streaked face.
'This is beyond our love, my love. And already I have detained you too long.'

Monday, June 9, 2008

Pre-Marital Sex

Note: All puns are intended unless notified otherwise. Definition: Navel Gazing categorizes 'sex' as the complete act of copulation until ejaculation (whether premature or mature) or orgasm (multiple or otherwise). So even if there's a whole lot of bed shaking but no crash, we won't count it (even though we'd be quite happy to watch or assist in the video recording). It also does not include foreplay no matter how heavy such as blow jobs, cunnilingus and any form of masturbation,(mutual or otherwise).

Every now and again some unsuspecting fool will ask me, 'Do you believe in pre-marital sex?' I always wonder about such people. Were they dropped on their head when they were young? I tell them, 'I don't just believe in it, I pray feverishly for it (optional: you stupid fool!)'.

Why they use the word 'believe' never ceases to baffle me. And what is there to 'believe' about pre-marital sex? It happens. It happens a lot. As it should. Except to people who want it most. ... And you know what, it's probably happening all over the world in all sorts of funky places as you are reading this - in some nearby secondary jungle, in some filthy public toilet, in the backseat of a car, on the bosses' office desk, at the 7th floor of an internal fire escape of a building. Not that I would know but those 3gp video clips that get passed around sure help verify this (so thank you all of you selfless exhibitionists in Malaysia, Indonesia, Thailand, Singapore, and occasionally the Middle East)! And that's just counting the humans.

Don't forget animals always have pre-marital sex because there's nobody to marry those poor godless things. Bloody sinful heathens that they are! It's bad enough that as compared to humans they are naked most of the time or have their pubes cover their whole body and can have a riotous bout of sex in public without having to worry about on lookers or the local state religious departments raiding them. So that they get lots of pre-marital sex (granted its the only kind) is quite unfair and smells like the big H putting one over us humans. Sure we get opposable thumbs and big brains but hey, them animals get only pre-marital sex (which I understand from my assiduous analysis of voluminous literature both fiction and non-fiction about this category of sex is the best of its kind as opposed to virgin sex [homosexual or heterosexual], post-marital sex and lousy sex). That's probably the only reason why the big H made animals incomprehensible to us because they would be lording it all over us. I mean, that's why birds sing, hyenas laugh, horses' neigh and cows moo. They're gloating. If we had lots of that, we'd be doing a lot more singing, laughing, neighing and uh... mooing.

If I could enact legislation as easily as I could some really kinky sex fantasy and then pass it as easily as I answer Nature's routine call, you would by now be governed by the Compulsory Pre-Marital Sex Act 2008. This sexcellent Act would require all couples seeking to be married to have sex about 4 weeks before their marriage registration or nikah date with their intended lifelong partner. You could do it with someone else but complications are very likely to arise.

The first 2 weeks is to be spent having lots of sex in as many ways they can think of. The remaining 2 weeks is for the couple to decide whether to go through with their mutual lifelong commitment. If they are virgins that is. If they are not then the first 2 weeks is an encouraged option, unless of course they had already boned their brains out earlier in their courtship. Then only the first week is compulsory. Both are then to fill in a form setting out what they enjoyed, what they want more of, what other positions they want to try, which public places they would like to enact those fonky positions and any suggestions on equipment which will have to thereafter be affirmed before a Commissioner of Oaths. That's right - statutory declarations will be compulsory and must be submitted to the newly formed Ministry of Sexual Pleasure and Sexuality, which I fully expected to be appointed as both First and Second Minister.

The reason for this very pressing Act is to firstly establish sexual affinity between the couple. Trust me when I tell you that you don't want to marry this hot hoochie mama only to discover that she likes eating the carpet after she takes one look at your lamp (and lamp shade, where applicable). Or once your clothes are off, she realizes that she actually likes guys with lots of hair, especially on their back or ass (the disgusting bastards!). Or that she dislikes the smell of your body odour around your privies and needs to wear a gas mask to give you the Australian kiss. Or that he screams excitedly, 'I won! I won!' when he comes 2 minutes after he sticks in her. Loser.

Secondly, it is to ensure sexual compatibility in terms of performance and interests. Sure you may have the affinity but do you want to do the same things, the same positions? I mean, if you like only straightforward missionary sex (you uncreative bastard!) and she can only get going when you have a 12" spiked dildo up your ass, you got a problem. How big the problem is depends entirely on size of dildo and how roughly she manipulates it. Or perhaps she may have this awful habit of pulling out her magazine to read while you're 3 minutes in. It's not uncommon okay! The trouble with modern women is everything is a job and sex is their 5 minute power nap break. So you definitely wanna check this stuff out lest you be prepping for your bout of sexual dalliance by arranging the magazines on the bed. Loser.

Thirdly but not the least important, is to gauge your future partner's sexual desire not just for you but for sex as well. I know for a fact that there are a race of people walking the earth that have no interest in sex whatsoever. Though they may indulge in it 3 or 4 times in their life time, they could quite comfortably and calmly do without it. They sound human, they look human, hell they even eat what we do but don't be fooled my friend. Don't be fooled for a second.

They are fucking aliens. Only aliens don't like sex and well filmed and acted porn. And no they are probably not from Uranus (you immature bastard!). You don't want to tie the knot only to realize you've got to tie up your space shuttle as well. That first 2 weeks (or week depending on which is applicable to you) is therefore very important. These aliens may fool us for the 1st week but their alien inhibition cannot hold out that long provided inflict awesome bouts of fornication upon them. I know this because Pentagon knows this and have yet to declassify the documents on alien visitation but watch out for it in 2024.

Now that you know why you need me to be Prime Minister of Malaysia, please vote wisely in the next elections. I'll be in one of those independent parties with a strong sexual policy for government. So now go out there and register to vote and convert some of them aliens. They're taking over the world as we know it. And if you're an alien reading this, do us all a favour - go fuck yourself.

Friday, May 25, 2007

Okin of the Twilight Kingdom (Part 3)

when darkness thunders
seek the lightning
behind the clouds

Obayamaashi
Na el harikansintum
Irukianguncharp

(The language of anh used here is a very potent language where one syllable speaks many things. This paragraph can only be translated into our language as follows: Obayamaashi, the great king that came through the needle of an eye that performed feats of gods, built for us the dam, irrigated our lands and introduced farming to our kingdom; who heals the sick and poor; who stands for justice and peace; who raised an army of soldiers from the dead and defeated the evil and hated Inirath; and thus brought peace to our land.)

Bow thy head on bended knee
Offer up thy prayer
of thanks and Love

Guide Him
With thy Life

'You are a very perceptive man, Elder Ti,' said Memnoch before he broke into a smile as he carefully rolled the scroll up, 'to wring so much from so little.'
'My Lord is generous. But this is not true at all. I have memorized the poem and recited it both by mind and mouth thousands of times, before young and old, fair and hideous. In fairness, it was completely obvious as it should have been.' Memnoch's smile widened. He started to feel at ease and comfortable in the village especially in Elder Ti's company. He was meticulously humble and modest. Always ready to deflect or politely decline even a flicker of praise. Elder Ti was the sort of man who felt that if he accepted the praise, he would have the duty and obligation to live up to it and so assiduously declined all praise.
'I trust my Lord's quarters are agreeable?'
'Yes, these humble surroundings are a welcome change from the luxury that I have unfortunately grown accustomed to.' His smile broke into a contemplative mood.
'I humbly apologize for the spartan accommodation for one such as yourself, my Lord.'
'Think nothing of it, Elder Ti. And please, call me Memnoch. I am no king here.'
'Ah, It would please me as nothing else would. But knowing what I know, it would not be possible. My Lord.'
'You claim me as your king yet you disobey my command?'
Elder Ti stood motionless.
'Well, you are at liberty to anyway,' said Memnoch with a smile just touching the edges of his mouth. 'Tell me, what is it like here in Jula, or Haleon, if you can.'
'It has not been good. My Lord's last presence here was so long ago that most of our lands have forgotten you. It pains me to tell my Lord that this village is the last surviving village that believes in your prophecy. And even then, many amongst them have discarded their traditions. Fairytales they call our sacred texts that have come down through countless generations. I just may be the last person that truly knows and would be able to preserve our literature. My only student is still too young and lacking in experience and learning. I just hope that he learns enough before I die. What is more, many have left for the many large cities far away. Some used to take the trouble to come home. But now, it's a rare event. So life here is quiet and far away from everything and everyone else. I should think some of them might think us very primitive, living the way we do.'
'Ah. Not at all. It is honest here, there are no trappings of excess. So there is little contact with the outside world here?'
'None whatsoever.'
'How many are there in the village?'
'Almost a hundred, divided into only a handful of households. As Elder of the village, I have the largest household with twenty three. Thankfully, one of my assistants attends to the routine matters.'
'I see.' Memnoch went quiet and seemed to be pondering over something. A cool gentle breeze whispered through the room. 'Tell me, Elder Ti, Was Magick used here by the previous Obayamaashi?'
'Magick? Well, I have suspected something like that. The texts are not explicit about it, but it is strongly implicit. It would explain many things.'
'That is interesting and comforting to know.'
'But do people in your lands practise Magick?'
'No. The Magick that we know of here are only those tricks of sleight of hand.'
'Hmmm.'
Before Memnoch could continue, a huge black crow flapped itself down noisily on to the window frame. The crow blocked out most of the sunlight that before came unhindered into the room. Its silhouette threw itself across the room and loomed largely on the wall opposite the window. It's huge glassy black eyes turned to Elder Ti for a moment and then to Memnoch. It then paced the window sill back and forth whilst eyeing them warily. Elder Ti seemed calm but there was a tight tenseness to his face when the bird was in the room. He stood rooted watching the bird and furtively murmuring something under his breath.
Memnoch studied the big jet black crow that didn't walk but strode from end to end, as if impatient for something to happen. Its feathers were so perfectly black that they all looked like one smooth slick mass of black. Its beak was a steely determined grey. Its eyes seemed to be searching the room, its pupils darting around the edges.
Memnoch was jarred out of his study by a loud thud. It was the old man striking the floor with his stick three times. The crow emitted a loud ear splitting screech and in a scratchy though malicious sounding screeched, 'Welcome back, Obayamaashi. I have awaited your return for a long, long time. You shall not escape this time!' And with that the huge crow alighted into the sky, gradually fading away into a clear blue sky. Elder Ti's and Memnoch's eyes followed it into the distance, as if keeping the crow under close scrutiny would deter it from returning.
Elder Ti turned to Memnoch and in a grave voice said,
'My Lord, we have to leave.'
'Yes,' replied Memnoch.

Saturday, April 21, 2007

Okin of the Twilight Kingdom (Part 2)

Before Memnoch even opened his sleep laden eyes, he felt cocooned in a gentle and pleasant warmth. He could hear murmurs of running water nearby and hushed whispers of sweet feminine voices swirling around a quiet rustle of clothes. As he struggled to open his eyes he could hear the volume of the voices around him rise. When he grasped his vision again, he saw that he was lying on a comfortable mattress with large soft white pillows on a worn wooden bed. Before him were many plainly dressed men and women who possessed a curious feature. They resembled him in features except that they all had rather brown or pinkish fair skin which a stark contrast to his very light blue skin. Even though they seemed harmless, he instantly tried to cast protective spells on himself but found that his murmurs dissipating quietly into the warm dry air. Memnoch felt the dryness on his skin.

Suddenly everybody's head in the crowd bowed slightly and shuffled apart to reveal a thin old man swathed in brown robes hunched over a staff which looked like an elegantly thin branch hewn from the trunk of a formidable oak tree. Despite his seeming frailty he exuded a sense of formidability and deliberate determination, as if he could will each cell of blood to his bidding if he wanted to. His face, once squarely handsome, now took on an ancient and wiser look with deep wrinkled troughs that lined his face and eyes that were so severely squinted that to others they looked closed. The old man stood alone at the foot of Memnoch's single wooden bed and seemed to look at him though Memnoch couldn't tell.

After a pregnant silence, the old man spoke.
'Peace to thee, stranger. Welcome to the village of Jula. I am Ti and the Elder of Jula. I trust you are in improved state?'

His voice was surprisingly firm and deep despite the tenativeness with which he spoke. Memnoch was more surprised that he could understand his language. Then he remembered that not long ago cast upon himself the Tongue of Wa'tu. This was an extremely difficult spell for two reasons. The first was because he had to obtain the Wa'tu. This was the tongue of organic gold of a triple horned beast that had the hide of steel and the bloodlust of an amok warrior. Almost the entirety of Memnoch's second platoon of thirty elite soldiers were wiped out in assisting Memnoch to slay the beast. The second was because it was a twenty one day spell cast that not only demanded one's entire focus and concentration to cast but was extremely physically demanding as well. Memnoch could perform only the other essential functions such as eating, drinking, sleeping, shitting, bathing besides casting under very strict and regimented schedule. The ritual had to be followed strictly for one mistake would negate the entire casting. Once cast, the spell was permanent for it changed certain parts of the biological, neurological and physical structure of Memnoch's ears, tongue and brain over a period of thirty days. Sometimes the pain of the physical change was so great that those of a lower threshold killed themsleves to block out the pain. Many managed to carry out the ritual to fail at the final hurdle. Memnoch was only the third of the Twilight Kingdom to possess the Tongue of Wa'tu.

'Yes, thank you great Elder Ti for your hospitality and generosity. I am indebted to you and your village's magnanimity. I only hope I have not drawn too much upon your reserves in doing so. I am Memnoch,' said Memnoch with such fluency and accuracy of intonation that the crowd behind the old man instantly buzzed with hushed whispers of astonishment. If the old man flinched with surprise, Memnoch could not have told. He stood like a rock unperturbed waiting for the calamity behind him to settle before continuing his conversation. The crowd sensed this and quickly fell quiet.
'Where do you hail from Memnoch?'
'I hail from the Twilight Kingdom. Our king is Tanath Ki'nath. Do you know of it?'
The old man did not answer immediately but kept quiet for a moment.
'No. We have never heard of such a kingdom or such a king, Memnoch. Perhaps your lands are too far away form our little humble village.'
'You may be right, Elder Ti. Might I inquire as to the kingdom within which Jula dwells?'
'Jula is part of the Commonwealth of Haleon. There are three other commonwealths aside from Haleon. Those are Uon, Aanakth and Suissen. Together they form the Republic of Ankh. Jula is merely one of the smaller villages of Haleon.'
'I see. And do all these commonwealths share similar weather, warmth and sunlight?'
'There are little variations between them - some are a little colder, some a little warmer, some more humid, some drier. Jula sits some twenty leagues the border of Haleon and as you would have noticed, the air here is dry.'
'I have noticed that too. And are all the denizens of the Republic of similar colour?'
'Yes. Truth be told Memnoch, we have not seen any of your kind here before.'
'I had sensed that too. There are none of your colour in my lands as well. In the Twilight Kingdom, our skins are light blue except for a few rare denizens whose skin are a luminous white.'
They both looked at each other for a while as if unsure where to take the conversation.
'Are you too king in the Twilight Kingdom, Memnoch?' asked Elder Ti.
Memnoch flinched in surprise at the question though Elder Ti remained still and unchanged.
'How did you know this?' demanded Memnoch, a little too aggressively he felt. It was one of those rare moments when Memnoch felt slightly apprehensive.
'One need not be told of it to know or understand something.'
'I accept that.'
'Do they call Obayamaashi in the Twilight Kingdom, Memnoch?'

For the first time in his life Memnoch felt a nervous sense of fear seize him. Obayamasshi was the ancient title of Okin. That title was so ancient that even Tanath Ki'nath knew not of it. Memnoch himself only learned of the old title because of his deep, thorough and meticulous study of all the ancient texts in the Royal Library. That title was last used more than four thousand years ago. How then did an old man in another world perhaps know of his heritage?
'Yes,' Memnoch answered. The crowd behind the old man was intensely quiet holding out for every word uttered from each man.

'Now that I have told you of my origin, I implore you to tell me how you know of me, Elder Ti.'
'I have long known of you Obayamaashi of the Twilight Kingdom though I do not know you. We, not just I, have all been waiting for you. We have been waiting for so many generations that we have even forgotten our grandfathers, our forefathers and all those who came before us. But they have made each later generation promise that we never forget you, Obayamaashi of the Twilight Kingdom, to honour your memory and to watch for your coming. Our parents from the ancient beyond have demanded that we preserve the only record of you saved but above all we must never forget you. We may forget everything, our name, our family, our lands, but we must never forget your coming, Obayamaashi of the Twilight Kingdom. And I am the last of that tradition. So it is fortunate that you came when you did.'

With that a warm smile of relief broke on the old man's face as he sank gratefully to his knees with great difficulty even as he held his staff up before him. The crowd behind him fell similarly to the floor, heads bowed in quiet reverence.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Okin of the Twilight Kingdom (Part One)

There once lived a man name Memnoch in the Kingdom of Twilight. He was a living legend. From a skinny fifteen year old that could barely hold a sword above his waist, he quickly became one of the Twilight Kingdom's greatest legend. When he was thirty five years of age, so many fell to his sword, shield and bow that even the king's most accurate scribes had given up counting his kills. There was perhaps one thing sharper than Memnoch's sword and that was his relentlessly and formidably curious mind. Kalketh Karoth, the king's wizard, dreaded by even the mightiest knights of the king, deferred to Memnoch when arguments inevitably came to an end. Though many in the kingdom wondered what would happen if there was a battle of wizardy between the two, equally as many believed Memnoch would triumph. There was rumour that even Kalketh feared him though no one dared utter this beneath the brooding murmuring sky.

Memnoch was given a special title because of his abilities and achievement: Okin, which meant 'The One of the King'. This title was so rare because both king and kingdom has to agree to the candidate who was then tasked with stealing a scale from a Black Eustrach, a huge and heavily scaled beast that resided in the Eastern Mist Mountains. Memnoch brought back its heart. An Okin was equal to the king in terms of authority. He could exercise all and any functions of the king and all his actions would be valid. As for Memnoch, as the first Okin of the Twilight King in two thousand years and its most powerful he was a virtual god. The people adored him, the king loved him as a favourite son, he had three beautiful beloved wives with seven children between them all who grew up happy and wanting for nothing.

One day, a farmer from Thurak, the colder and darker northern eastern parts of the twilight kingdom, reported a strange sighting to his Majesty's office after puzzling about it for several days. At the far end of his field stood a strange thin bright glowing line that rose from the ground up to about thirteen feet high. He was brave enough to attempt to touch the line several times but reported no ill effect to himself although there was a warm feeling when his hand passed through the line. After almost a year of being passed by word of mouth, word finally arrived to Memnoch. Immediately upon being told of the phenomena, he set forth for Thurak.

After two months of travelling under strongly adverse weather conditions, he had found the strange glowing line, kept it for himself within a massive white sturdy tent with several compartments for him and his retinue to study. His week turned to months which turned to years. In his sixth year of trying to understand and engage the mysterious line he made a breakthrough, although it was unintended. Out of a lark and also frustration, he cast several of his deadliest spells upon the line which seemed to affect the line because suddenly it flashed several colours in rapid succession. Instead of standing back, Memnoch stepped closer to the line and reached out to it. This time his hand passed through the line but did not come out the other side. He felt a gentle tug from within that warm that sliver of warmth and suddenly felt drowsy. As his eyes closed in a fit of slumber, he felt a gentle warmth envelope his entire body.