Kon Low Mee Sg. Besi

For those of you dying for a fix some good old style Kon Low Mee (KLM), I found you all a joint yo. As you can see from the photo, this particular KLM hails from Sg. Besi where they have been a fixture for a long time now. It's very easy to miss this shop because they only open from 6:00 pm onwards right up until 1:00 am. They are open every day of the month although they are closed on one day of the month and are not at liberty to say when. It's as much of a secret as their KLM recipe. Don't try it. I attempted once and had to fight a vicious kung-fu battle and managed to barely escape with 2 large bowls of KLM in my gut. It was fortunate that I had mastered the wild pig snorting flying fist of oink before I went there, if not I was sure to have lost the honour battle with their resident sifu.

 

To get there is a bit of a pain because the road you have to be on is the one leading from KLCC towards the Sg. Besi highway/toll. So be aware of the rush hour for that area (hint: morning from 8-9am and evening from 6-8:30pm). The joint is just off Jalan Sg. Besi and next to a car audio shop. In fact, at around 6:00 pm when they first open you will even have trouble spotting it because the stall is inside. Your best bet is to look for a car audio shop next to the road with a lot of cars parked by the side of the road on your left. Once you sight it, I would not recommend parking by the road side because it is a very busy area even though you are very likely to see some impressive cars parked there waiting to have their ICE (In-Car Entertainment) system souped up (and not by the KLM soup that comes with it aight). 

Now the first thing I noticed right off the bat was that they are generous with the mee here (it may have well change since the last oil hike because I think the portions have shrunk - especially the chicken - the last time I was there). My first time I here I asked for the large portion and they sent me a fucking mountain. I could barely finish the damn mee and had long past finished off 2 portions of the chicken (I shall explain the significance of this next time if I remember) when I stuffed the last few strands in my mouth. So, even if you're quite hungry, I'd recommend you start with the medium (because the small size is really a waste of time and only good for supplementing an unfulfilling medium). My usual orders are there for display although I left out the damn soup!

As you can see from the pictures, the noodles are excellent and sit in a puddle of sauce when it comes, so you can get a real nice dark texture going with the noodles. After you mix it in good (with a bit of the soup too) that should conjure up something pretty close to them old style KLM those with the char siew. The chicken however tends to drive the KLM here because its flavour is more potent and holds its own against the noodles. I think it's because of those fried bits on the top that you see on the chicken. There's the soup which I don't really count on because it's not very consistent - nice some days and but rather salty on others; sort of like Malaysian politicians but thankfully its not full of shit. 

Keropok Oh Keropok!

If you are an unfortunate white man that never had a frivolous reason to visit Malaysia, you will most probably have missed out on one of the greatest instant snacks ever created by the human race, until of course you were fortunate to read this article. If you're Malaysian, you know what I'm talking about. And if you don't, please email me your home address because you've just won 5 free vouchers of the Backdoor Madras Special (for definition, see posting here).

Yes, you have your Twisties (Chicken, Cheese, Curry and some of the new funky stuff, Salmon Terikyaki and Tandoori Flavoured), Mamee (the standard and the extra spice), Double Decker Range (the Prawn Fries and the Chicken Flavoured Chips), Jack and Jill Chips (which are actual potato chips flavoured with Tomato and Spicy), Cap Tangan Peanuts, Yaws, all sorts of muesli bars, chocolate, ice cream, Chickadees, and those Tortilla Chips and the optional dips, but for me the Keropok is the Daddy of Them All. Do you know who your Daddy is?

Keropok is generally made out of fish or prawns, which is massaged with flour and a bit of salt. It is then either drawn out into a shape similar to that of a sausage (kerepok lekor, second above) or cut in to strips (keropop keping, as first above) or round in shape, although this is less common these days, or keropok sira (chili-flavoured fish). If the ingredient is prawn then the keropok will tend to have a tinge of red on the sides and the cream will have splotches of red here and there, or sometimes uniformly red (as seen below). The ones made of fish are more commonly a dark to light dull brown to a quite light grey depending on the fish used.

The popular one is uses an ikan parang base which is more or less like the one up there (in the first picture) although sometimes it could be lighter. The one I adore is the one made out of ikan tamban where they pretty much throw the whole thing in which causes it to be 'gatal'. A direct translation of that word is 'itchy' does not quite capture the sensation which is more akin to a very faint tingling sensation around the mouth, as if you have eaten chillies but without the spice. It's also the cheaper one and to my chagrin it is not the type vendors normally stock.

Although I am pleased to say I have found my future supplier for the goods stuff on what I call the Keropok Stretch around the Cherating area. If you love keropok, you have to check this place out. I think it's about a few kilometers of road around the Cherating area where many of the stalls dot both the sides of the road. They've got freshly made keropok lekor for ya, with their own special house sauce with the usual teh tarik, etc. and the bigger ones tend to have a slightly wider range than the mere stall. They also have more further up in Terengganu around the Dungun area as well. I am happy to find that sometimes some of them take pride in making their own chili sauce. Although it must be said, this stuff goes especially with the Lingam Chili Sauce too. Oh baby. Now that's a piece of heaven right there when you combine the two. Although to my personal taste, I think the Lingam goes better with the Tamban or Parang but not so well with the prawn based ones, there's a sense of spice and urgency in taste with the former as compared to the rather uncomfortable taste in between.

As with all snacks it can be eaten any time but the advantage here is that this snack is in one way healthy for you. As I've mentioned earlier, keropok is mainly just fish and flour. And you can tell how much flour there is in the keropok after you've fried it. The harder it is, the more flour there is in the mix. But the point here is that we all know how fish is good for us right? If ya don't, click on the link. And if you eat enough, why it could serve as a meal. The flour takes the place of the rice, if you are so rice inclined as I thoughly and unashamedly am. So you can eat as much of it as you like without feeling to guilty as compared to eating chocolate, ice cream or those other more processed junk food like Twisties, Chickadees, etc. (or so I try to convince myself). And please, be sure not to confuse this with the papadam with is made out of chickpea flour, generally a yellow or light yellow, and oval or circular in shape. Below is an illustration of one of the genrally types of papadams. So if you still get it wrong after this, may the curse of the white pubes be upon thee sorta thang.

WFKT behind Hock Lee's Supermarket @ Bukit Damansara

It was approximately about yesterday afternoon when Art Harun sent a synchronized message to me. Just to explain what this means to you uninitiated to Navel Gazing habits is this: Fools' minds seldom differ. When they do actually meet, they achieve a synchronicity. It is through this medium of synchronicity (I love using this word dammit! I feel so 80s; cue 'Wrapped around your Finger' by Police for me please) that telepathic messages can be sent. Okay enough science today! The message was clear and simple. We gonna eat them WFKTat a Chinese restaurant comprising many stalls located behind the Bukit Damansara famous Hock Lee Supermarket.

So after we parachuted down from a plane Art rented for the occasion and stored our parachuting gear, Art immediately secured us a classy spot near the fridge where they keep the drinks and kept cool food, where we could enjoy a quiet and immensely thought provoking conversation amidst the slamming of the fridge doors (because they uh, tend to go there. A lot.) and bellowing orders (you gotta love the efficiency of the Chinese - their orders always take the shortest route, from their throats, blasting right over your head, to the other fella's ears - none of your goddamned technology can beat that!). Art went to place a request from the high priest of WFKT who had a small magic wok of WFKT at the front right end of the shop, there he would stand stirring, toiling, and showering the many blessings upon the many WFKT that leaveth his magical and now holy wok. He also ordered some rojak to fill the time before our feast. A cool cincau proved some relief against the glowing warmth of the restaurant.

After several rousing bouts of conversation and hence working up an appetite, there he cameth, the high priest of WFKT, dishelved, completely driven and focused, his legs bolting with such robotlike precision, completely uninterested in any bit of conversation whatsoever except to tell you your change. Such dedication! Hail thou wok of the righteous! Thou homage to ambrosia that deserveth to be inducted into the Pantheon of Your True All Time Favourite Foods In the Whole Wide World. He came with those two well worn plastic blue and red plate for each of us with carried WKFT, with two equally aged red chopsticks. They look like they had met each other many times before and had nothing left to say to each other. And then gone he was, away to serve the cause of WFKT. My change accurately and transparently spread out on the table. His footsteps lost in the above described din. And there we were, left with the WFKT.

[WARNING: Art ordered us KT sans tau geh so if you do like it with tau geh please be warned! Eating it with tau geh would not taste in the same manner in which it is described below! We at Navel Gazing do not wish to be misleading in our food reviews although we are expected to be terribly creative.]

Now the first thing you would notice about the KT here is that it's the thin sort. Not the usual fatties. I quite like these sort because you get more covered area with the ingredients than if you had a thicker one. So this makes it more tasty. The second thing you notice is when you dig in is that you notice how light the WFKT is. That's because he doesn't use so much oil and so this allows room for the taste to slowly bloom towards its peak, which should be just about after half way through your WFKT. Very cunning chap he is! He has obviously experimented much to get the optimal amount of oil and blend of ingredients. Too much oil helps intensify the flavour but leaves you feeling muted after.

And the taste is quite distinct in its playful suggestions of a Marxian Communism that truly embraced a Wagnerian sort of Capitalism and saw it as a necessary step before achieving itself in the first few mouthfuls. And just as you are about to be let down, you feel yourself transported to the ancient China when people fought with fists in those Jackie Chan kung fu in ancient China movies, and seated at one of those restaurants that get trashed up because people like Jackie Chan's chracters, Drunken Master for example, trashes the place in some huge assed kung fu fight. Hopefully you would have finished your WFKT by then and gotten the hell out of there.

And as you gradually but surely hit that peak of its taste, you become Drunken Master. You are Master of Kung fooking Foo. You can do all those fonky moves like Jackie Chan. Like that one up there. But I'm talking taste here alright! Don't get any funny ideas. But it's no wonder we were here, this is wicked stuff. And after scoffling down the whole thing, you still felt kinda light enough to scoffle down one more. But I can understand why Art likes to come here, its economic use of oil does not impinge on the potency of the WFKT, and we all now know just how expensive the damn thing is as of today. Bastards!!

Anyway, towards the end I like to pick up the little loose bits and pieces because they tend to be pretty potent in taste and give it a boost. And finally, it's great to have that black jelly still on hand to round everything off. That way you can slake your thirst and wash everything else down!

Wooooo - ha!

Well, Fried Kuey Teow

That was my lunch yesterday and the topic of today's discussion. It is also an exemplary picture of a well fried Fried Kuey Teow (WFKT, fer short). It is theoretically not difficult to produce WKFT.

Firstly, you need a roaring flaming fire, the type that flicks and leaps threateningly into the trembling air. If it doesn't roar, it ain't hot enough.

Secondly, you need an old regularly used big ass beat up wok to do the cooking. It's got to be large enough that if you wore it on your head upside down, the edges should reach your chin. If it reaches any lower, you're Einstein and Bob's your uncle. The more used it is the better because that means some of the goodness from earlier fry ups that didn't get dished out with it might come unstuck in yours. Yeaaahahaha. You sometimes see those black flecks or odd shaped thin black slices in there? That's the good stuff. Now the most important part about the wok is that it must be fwoking hwok! If it ain't fwoking hwok, it ain't fwok.

Thirdly, you need a big assed scarred and mean looking stainless steel spatula. You don't need to know why. If you don't have this then please go home and place it carefully where the sun doesn't shine. And yes, I mean the drawer. Sheesh. Like grow up people.

Fourthly, ideally it would be great if the kuey teow is made by virgins from China with the most gentlest hands, long hair and big breasts dressed in red cheong sams with high slits on the sides because those are the best. If you can't get then eat lah what you can. Try and by them fresh as you can. Don't buy the preserved one. It's bad for our health and for men it can cause koro.

Fifth, you need to have the freshest eggs (free range), huge prawns (cos they shrink a whole lot), fat and juicy kerang, thin slices of squid (no janggut please, so tak kelassss ), small cuts of red snapper, scallop, New Zealand flown muscles, a bit of lala ready to be thrown into the mix and also have a bit of some barbecued marinated salmon and crayfish on the grill plate. Throw in some green onions, chopped garlic, soy sauce, and a bi' a chili paste to the fwoking hwok wok.

Sixthly, you need to have the passionate cooking face where you make all sorts of 'meaningful' facial contortions to reflect the passionate drama of the fusing of the ingredients as you, with feeling of course, crash the spatula noisily against fwoking hwok wok (it's rather annoying isn't it?).

Voi-fookin'-la.

You may by now have noticed that I said not one word about the tau geh. This is deliberate. And this is a little known fact but a WFKT should not have tau geh. It should be bereft of this monstrous culinary weed because it is so high in water content that it tends to dilute the good and delicious taste of a WKFT. This is because the good taste molecules easily bonds with water molecules especially those kept in tau geh and seeps out of the WFKT. That is why when WKFT is fried with tau geh, it always tastes weaker or less intense. Try it without the tau geh. You will find the taste is more potent, imagine the muscles on the shoulders of a huge male bull those that die in the bullfighting ring - it's something like that. Powerful. Raw. Tasty.

Well, Well Fried Kuey Teow.

Get the hell out of here now and get some.

How to do Banana Leaf Properly

This guide is primarily meant for foreigners with proper visa to Malaysia who are unacquainted with our beautiful, affordable and accessible culture and country and want to know how to experience it best where it concerns Banana Leaf meals. If you don't have a proper visa to come into our country, please stop reading and rub a banana all over your body after you sat on it for 3 hours you sick bastard. Now, a banana leaf meal can only be obtained in Mamak joints like the one below. You cannot obtain meals like this in a hotel, at the KLCC mall or by the side of the road at a gerai. Banana leaf meals ideally need structure and so they tend to be housed in shoplots. One of my favourite joints is Restoran Sri Paandi (TTDI) which is shown below.

There are no doors to the restaurant, so you just walk right in and find yourself an available table. When it gets too crowded, you can join others at tables after smiling at the adjacent patrons and making the correct facial contortion to ask whether the seat next to you is occupied. You are not advised to use any words because it may not be interpreted correctly and you may start a fight in the restaurant. After you sit down your unfriendly disinterested Indian national waiter who has not had enough sleep and only bathed 2 days ago will come over to take your order. Don't make small chat. If you do he and his 23 other friends will end up staying at your house. Instead, state precisely what you want. These days you have to ask for your banana leaf because the owners prefer to give you some shitty metal plate with the appropriate indentations in it to put the kuah and roti. Don't take the metal plate. There's no kick eating from that device. You might as well be eating off the carcass of a 10 day old buffalo that's been submerged in the nearby river. If they don't give it willingly, demand for it. Say, 'Saya mau itu daun kalau tak saya berak dalam seluar saya.' Say those precise words. Don't worry if they laugh at you. That's how they deal with criticism. Finally, you should get the leaf which looks like this.

Take a close look at the leaf. Do you notice how the right side is cleaner than the left side? That's because I've wiped the right side with a tissue. You are encouraged to do this. The left side hasn't been wiped and looks like there are dried cum stains on it. If this is not reason enough for you to wipe it, you are a sick bastard/bitch and if I ever bump into you I'm gonna be your pimp. And don't you dare worry, I'll give you a better fee split than your regular pimp.

You should also order your drink. I recommend teh tarik manya manis. Never you mind what it means. It's good stuff. And if all goes well, it should look like this:

Now that you've got your drink, you can move on to the food. Now if you are in a banana leaf joint before 11 am then you are entitled to order a roti canai. This works best before 11. If you order rice before that, you will not get it because it won't be ready. If it is ready though and you eat it, you will explode 30 minutes later after releasing an explosive potent curry smelling fart. You have been warned! After 11 the owners will try to force you to take the rice because it means you take more side dishes. It's all about the money honey. If you want roti you can still fight for it and make a scene. I find that throwing myself on the floor or running around and hiding behind the restaurant pillars whilst singing Koosh Koosh Hota Hay poorly does help significantly. The only problem is that this doesn't help your reputation. But hey, whatever works right?

And while waiting for the roti, ask your waiter to bring the 3 Amigos over which looks like this:

The 3 Amigos is where they store the curry. The usual curry they have in there is fish curry, chicken curry and dhall. These are the holy trinity of curries. Ye shall know them vell. And if you want the 3 Amigos you don't say, 'Apu, I want 3 Amigos.' What you will get is 3 hefty Indian chaps with massive penises who would bend you over the aircond compressor at the back giving you the Madras Backdoor Special. As mentioned earlier, you do not speak. What you do to get the 3 Amigos is make like you are carrying a small bucket and swinging it in front of your face. If you want it faster, make an angry face and hope he doesn't piss in your teh tarik. When you get the 3 Amigos, you put the curry on your banana leaf like this (I know you are not a stupid bastard but I took the picture already so let me lah okay? See the mister in the picture also wiping his big fat banana... leaf):

Now, the roti should be here once you've sorted out your drink curry and wiped the stains of your leaf and it should look something like this:

I won't go into the kazillion variations of the simple and humble roti canai. A good roti canai should be fluffily brittle, soft and light. The one above is not too bad and is typical. If tearing it to pieces is to difficult for a foreigner like you, you can ask them to cut it up for you too. So how to eat this is you tear a piece, dip it in the curry, chew 28 times and then swallow. If you want to make it more tasty then you should order some side dishes. My favourites are the freshly fried fish and chicken featured below. And you gotta tell them you want it fresh off the burner. If not they're gonna serve you that chicken their grandmother fried for them in India 5 years ago and still sits in the food buffet near the cash counter.


And once you have whacked the food as hard and as plentifully as you can, your table should look like this:
If the table doesn't look like that after you have finished, kindly ensure that you arrange it so that it does conform to the example above. If you fail to do this as a foreigner you can be charged under section 33(1)(g) of the Mamak Restaurants Act 2003 and should you be found guilty sentenced up to 3 years imprisonment or a fine or in lieu of both, 3 consecutive rounds of the Madras Backdoor Special in 12 hours.

Welcome to Malaysia, truly Aysia.

Quack Quack Rice: Ducky Star (Ah Beng Style Review)

Hey ma-hai! You looking eat nice ducks misters? Haha, I know where you can find damn nice duck. And when I say duck one I don't mean the duck to fuck one ho. This proper duck can eat eat properry after roast one. I know, I know you looking long time to find good duck. I oso. Semua tempat I go cari one. But then usually ha the duck in Malaysia is like tiu nei ama ga chow hai ah. Not like the Four Season at Bayswater at London where Ah Fatt and Ah Wong work as waiter last time when they go there irregarry but then kena deported after they got caught for irrega woking. Fleshy and tender like the white woman in Engrand, but also taste good like young Chinese virgin that no yet poke one.

Most of time duck in Malaysia is my friend Ah Kong say fuck luck duck cos it suck suck. Most of time the fuck luck duck suck suck always scrawning, salty and fuckers here also no know how roast one. One time I eat, so salty my mouth until suck inside wor. Tiu nei ama. Lucky that time I eat, Ah Meng not there. He big tai-kor. If you serve him fuck luck duck suck cock he wew crush the uncer's balls if serve that kind of fuck luck duck. So many place I go alleady, all chinky chinky one also no find. Klang also no have nice one! Wah lan ney.

Then one day my Malayu friend call me go eat runch ror. She said really this the best duck in whow wide word one, rike internet! She say so good that is rike fuck duck luck. So good meh I say. She said, if I not like she buy me chicken to eat, but actuarry not eat one chicken eat one lor. He he. You know what I mean lah ha. So I said if like that okay lor. So you know where we go ah? Posh hotel oh. Impewal Hotel on Jalan Sultan Ismail there got one China restaurant calls Celestial Cork. Damn posh one lah. The China waitress wear nice clothes and the slit not up to the waist one and no 'specia' order one. She order some dim sum first lah but I focus on the duck only lah cos that what I go there for what. Whaffor eat eat so much other thing.

So anyway duck come. Wah lan neh, then I also feel like want cum. She order one duck for us to eat and we whack lor. Whack whack whack until cannot eat. But really lah the duck is like fuck duck luck one wor. The duck so fleshy, and kau kau tasty one. And then cooking also quite kan cheong ah, he know how to roast so the skin also crisp with a bit of fat cringing to it... wah damn syiok. The duck so nice and tender until you thanking you ducky star wor. Ha Ha. Rike Mad donna. So if you want to eat good duck rice, I suggesting you come here. Damn nice. After I eat already felt so tired and sleepy cannot go KTV also after that. Can lah, not say cannot go but then waste money only lor. So if want eat fuck duck luck duck rice, you come Celestrial Cock. Sure no lie one. Quack Quack. Ha ha ha.

Kaya! Kaya! Haiya!

Two slices of that light brittle bread slapped on with a generous spread of kaya and crushing a thick slab of buttery goodness between its loving embrace is a typical kopi tiam fair. The quality and type of the bread is particularly important to nail that old style kopi tiam feel which adds considerably to the environment to an establishment. The bread must be of the lightest weight and toasted just so that the whiteness of the bread is maintained and doesn't turn a delicate brown (although discolouration around the bread can be countenanced). The toaster (be it man or machine) should also ensure that the bread white is toasted to reach a vulnerable firmness and does not turn hard. Toasting it just right would result in the bits of the bread being brittle which then spills around your plate if not of it. It's messy but it's cool cos it's retro, you know!

And then there is the kaya itself. Though the colour of kaya is not terribly important because even if it looks like some half digested faeces, do not be surprised if it still tastes kajagoogood. However, I think kaya should be a dark, deep brown or at worst like caramel, because it looks best with that colour. I have often been inspired to polish off a bottle of kaya simply because the colour looked so attractive (and okay, okay, the damn thing was pretty good too). I find that if the colour is right, the taste usually follows suit. Slapping green kaya on your bread is just not on. Grass is green. Kaya is a sexy sensual brown. If' anybody finds a pink kaya maker please exterminate them. They are a gross affront to our culture.

As for the butter, you cannot go wrong with this. Butter is fattening and unhealthy, which means it is going to be as tasty as it is bad for us. Which is why you must cut a slice so thick you will grow man tits just after having one serving. Cos if it don't hurt, it ain't good. Using margerine or any other low fat substitute used to be punishable by death in the more ancient though civilized Persian cities though that law has since been abandoned not so much due to disuse but because the Persian cities ran out of low fat substitutes.

This snack/meal (if you eat many enough) is best eaten on Sunday morning with a teh tarik and eaten while reading the local newspaper (if you don't throw up while reading its drivel). You may eat it on Monday, but then everybody will know you are a sad pathetic bastard with no life if you did. And you don't want that. Kaya! Kaya! Haiyaaaaa!

Restoran Yu Ai (Ah Beng Style Review)

If you is liking laksa, tomyam or clear soup with many yummy seafoods, you want come Restoran Yu Ai (Hai! Hai!). They puts lala, muscle, plawn, fishcake and the balls, and some vegetables which you no need it if you no like eat. The restaurant is locating in Segambut near Jalan Ipoh side and housed in a shoplot that functional (means not nice). If lunch time only you go, then you want go early early because if not no place wor. Seereeous. If you is pray to Islam then also you can eat. All colour also eat inside - indian (the fair one also), chinese (the one that no speak Chinese also), melayu (the one that pray one), white man and also big man (not small). It is okay because is only use seafood in bowl. And bowl is cleansing by virgin Malay girl who pray all the time. So is okay. One bowl is something like fifteen ringgit but is worth it cos they filling the bowl to the fullest up. Sometimes, even the fishball also slide off the tops. Ha ha. So funny. Is nice. You go there. Now. Take your family or secret lover also can. But animals cannot. Animals possible shit in your food. Taste not nice after thats. Anyway, go lah. It nice. I show picture below how they cooking. I hope you liking.

Ah Meng cooking before he go for smoking and shitting break

The Rempeyek Rant

I'm not crazy about Malay kuih. But I love rempeyek. If you don't know what it is and haven't put the picture to the title together then, that's exactly what it is. The problem is that good rempeyek is hard to find. By good rempeyek, I mean the flour base should be a light and thin but not too brittle. If thinness has to be sacrificed on the altar of firmness then let it be so. A bit of cumin and what nots should go into give it some spice. Then the peanuts. Their skin should ideally be left on. And ground nuts should be used. Who the hell eats the dhall beans ones? or those with just the peanuts? These are the ones you would often find left forlornly like a lover missing her beloved just after he leaves her, but its a can of rempeyek. With no beloved.

And this is the most important for me. The ultimate deal breaker. I italicized those last words just to show you how severely this feature of the rempeyek affects me. There must be ikan bilis on it. Must. Must. Must. And there must be at least two decent sized ikan bilis on it. Not like one big one and quarter of an arse for the other. Like the picture up there. Some even have three on it. So that's a good example of an excellent rempeyek. By my book anyway.

But this is what gets my goat. So many of these producers of rempeyek usually put one ikan bilis. One. Sometimes I go through like a whole tin of it and there it is. Only one ikan bilis per rempeyek piece (ib/r rate). Why do they do this? I thought it would have thought more effort would have been spent rationing out the ikan bilis per rempeyek than it would have if they just chucked in a bunch each time and let them sort themselves out. Or would it have been so much more cost and effort to add one more ikan bilis to the damn thing.

Don't get me wrong though. The peanuts are also important. But I feel there should be enough ikan bilis to meaningfully blend and mix with them. I feverishly believe that with the right balance of ikan bilis and peanuts with the right flour base of course, a rempeyek would taste simply exquisite. But having said that, I cannot have too many of these at one go because it would make me throw up.

Frying the Rice

A story oft repeated for family, friends and acquaintances that may or may not have heard it.

When I was set free in England, aside from mastering the fine art of boiling water, knowing how to cook the Maggie Mee precisely how I liked it (noodles al dente and the gravy thick) and being somewhat competent at cutting and peeling the garlic and onions, I did not have a shred of cooking sense. So there I found myself one inevitable evening. Alone. Hungry. The canteen closed a while ago. I think it was one of the days when the Hall kitchen closed early.
It was still early in the term and I had yet to be comfortable with any of my hall mates. I also hadn't started to hang or meet with anybody nearby either. My buddy from the 'old days' (he was with me since secondary school and he came over to stay a few times), Daniel, was too damned far away. The lucky bastard had gotten a nice room smack in the centre of the academic heart of our University. It was an old, creaky wooden building which was extensively renovated to accommodate more than it was originally envisaged. It was such a maze that in my early visits there I would wander around lost in there for up to a few minutes, at times even wondering whether it was possible to die of hunger and thirst in the building for being, unable to get out. Luckily, there were other students walking in and out that would very helpfully (and no doubt amused) show me out. Crazy Asian! So anyway, he was out of the question. I just wanted to have something nice and warm. Then eat it in with my legs snugly tucked in under the covers of my bed.
I no doubt sighed and rummaged through the box my mom had packed for me. That was gastronomic umbilical chord to home. Familiar food. Fond memories. Of home. There it was. A five pack of Chicken and Curry Maggie Mee and Indomie Goreng. Easiest to eat, both were done with just boiling the noodles to soften and then open the packets for seasoning. So damn easy, even I could do it. Digging further, there was my favourite kicap sauce, almost the entire Brahims range of tasty ready-to-eat chicken and beef. They had flavours like rendang and what not. Bloody good when you are starved of home food and stuck in a foreign land where it is not easily obtainable. But it sucks when you eat it back home. And there just tucked right at the bottom, almost going unnoticed, were a whole bunch of slim almost flat package. It was the Brahims mixture for frying rice.
I recalled that before mom and dad had gone back, they had done a little shopping for me. The bought me a bit of food to store in the fridge. Like I think a small pack of long grain rice. And I had thrown in a pack of prawns into the shopping basket too. I thought then and there that I wanted to eat fried rice. My mouth immediately responded as I could feel the side of my cheeks tighten just a little and my tongue snake out to lick my lips. That's it, I thought. I'm having fried rice. Easy like peasy.
My mom also had the foresight to buy me a little tefal stainless steeled non-stick pot which was pretty damn versatile, I found out later. So I went to the common kitchen down the hall and got out the prawns which were frozen then went back to my room to pick up a pack of the fried rice flavouring, a big wooden spatula and the rice. I put the block of prawns under the sink and poured warm water over it a little to warm it up. Doubled back to the room because I forgot the oil and saw that the block had broken into half. I cut up the pack and put one half in the fridge.
The prawns still hadn't fully frozen.
So I waited and read a bit.
I think it was about twenty minutes.
Luckily I had a book.
After I found it soft enough, I fired up the stove. The blue flames snuck out of their holes and hissed away. Still small. Warmed up the pot with oil. After it was nice and warm, I threw in some of the prawns. Pushed it around a bit and then threw in the rice. After stirring it around, I bumped up the flame and squeezed the entire sachet contents into the pot until it was satisfactorily cackling away. I stirred it around and took particular pleasure in smelling the fumes arising from the pot. Ah! Not quite, but close enough. The smell of home cooking. After pushing it around some more to ensure an even cooking, I dumped it all on a plate and left the pot to cool down.
Pleased, I padded down the entire length of the hall again because my room was on one end and the kitchenette in the other, plate in hand. Mmm mmm. Cooking one's food does give some measure of satisfaction, I thought to myself. I sat down at the table with my plate of fried rice the moment I got in. And dug in.
It was hard digging though. The prawns were alright and tasted okay. The problem was the rice was so bloody hard. It was tough to chew and refused to yield beneath my chewing. I managed to get half spoonful down my throat and thought that something was seriously wrong. Checked the time. It would be around noon or thereabouts back home. So I went down the hall past the kitchenette to the public phone in the stairwell. I made a reverse charge call to, who else, but mom. She was always pleased to hear from me and ran through her usual course of questions about how I was taking care of myself, keeping warm, staying safe, etc. before I could finally get to what I wanted to ask her.
I told her about my problem.. There was a brief silence before my mom asked me, 'Did you cook the rice before you fried it?'And I think I said something like, 'What do you mean cook the rice?' Her disbelief quickly warped into laughter. After she had recovered somewhat she told me that I had to boil the rice first before I fried it.
Ah.
So that's what it was.
Why didn't I think of that?
Been much better since then.
It's best to use rice cooked and kept overnight to fry. See. See.
Super damn best favouritest: Corn beef fried rice with fried egg and Habhal kicap manis.

Kon Low Mee (or Dry Wan Tan Mee)

Awww yeah. Check that out. One of my top favourite foods in the world ever. I know it as the Kon Low Mee but you regularly find it in menus here as 'Dry Wan Tan Mee' or sometimes more horrendously, 'Mushroom Noodle Soup (Dry)'. I fucking hate that '(Dry)' thing especially when the dish is a soup. I mean. Be honest about it the damn dish is what I say. This is what my grandmother used to cook every time we went back to Kuantan for Chinese New Year. Fat little shit that I was, I was always asking her to cook it for me. I could eat it whether it was morning, noon or night. And managed to score that once or twice over a week.
The best ones are found at those really Chinese areas where everybody speaks Cantonese. Where the waiter after taking your order bellows it out to his stall at the other end of the room. The ease with which they attain such vocal volume levels was frighteningly impressive. Imagine how loud he would be if he really wanted to be loud! Now it should come out something like what I have shown up there. The noodles must be bundled up in the middle and not mixed too much. The noodles also much be stringy but firm. The bottom of the plate must have lots of sauce. Enough to wet and blacken the noodles too. Properly, we should be the ones to mix it so that we can get the consistency that we want in our noodles. I like mine as dark as can be. So I soak mine up as much as possible. Usually throwing some of the attendant soup also keeps a ready pool of sauce going.
I usually take mine with a portion of steamed chicken with it. Occasionally I go with the duck. Not because I don't like duck but because the ducks we have here are too scrawny to be tasty - unlike those Chinese Restaurants in London like Four Seasons Restaurant that are fat, succulent and immensely satisfying and always worth several encores.
There is something simply sublime in that combination of noodles and the sauces with that slight bit of witness that wets your lips as you slurp it down or bite it off properly. And the soup is also important. Good soup can enhance the sauces on the plate and create more sauce as it mixes with the previous mixture. Naturally it would also be a good accompaniment to the noodles.
Then finally there is the won ton which are actually traditionally pork dumplings or these days they have chicken or prawn dumplings to go with the soup. For me. This is not terribly important. And I suppose it is a matter of conditioning since the joints where the noodles are that good would usually only have just pork balls only.
I am always on the look out for new joints. There is a good one at the hawker stall area near Hock Lees mini-market (it's a corner lot). That's a picture of theirs in fact up there - but with duck. There's also a pretty decent one near the old Paramount but those buggers only serve pork so you can cop some of the chicken from the chicken rice seller. Ingenious huh? (No, not really). Koon Kei used to be one of the best Kon Low Mee ever before sometime in the eighties. They were big. Had a whole shop lot to themselves in Damansara Utama (or what is now known as Uptown). Now they've scattered to one branch in Damansara Jaya, which is a real disappointment, and similarly near Petaling Street.
That is the Chinese Kon Low Mee. The Malays have understood that some of us dig that shit as well and went all halal on it. So now you have instead of the usual char siew (barbecued pork on it with its traditional white meat and faint pink colouring at the edges), you have the 'chicken char siew'. Which is pretty good too. And the Malay Kon Low Mee also is usually sweeter which is natural seeing as how Malays usually like their food with a bit of sweetness around the edges. They two therefore cannot be sensibly compared because they cater to different tastes. I enjoy both but naturally enjoy the original one better.

In Praise of Vitagen

I grew up with Vitagen. I have been drinking this stuff since I was that high. That's right. It was right there during some of my earliest childhood days in kindergarden. It came on certain days and on those days, I would always wait in anticipation for the Vitagen truck to play its merry tune as it pulled into the compound. Then there was the mad rush for the truck. There was really no reason to rush but I guess when you're that young you just ran everywhere. Back then my favourite were the 'white' and 'purple' ones. If my mom forgot that I just liked those and bought a whole bunch, I'd just drink the rest first and save those for the last. These days I like 'em all except the apple green one. It has a sharper taste to it which I don't quite like.

I've tried the other brands as well - Yakult, and others (forgot what their names were), but either out of habit, or taste, I keep coming back to good ol' Vitagen. There was one line however that I did like - I forget who was the manufacturer - but they had a mango taste. I really liked that one and I think it was quite popular as well because every time I went to Tesco they were sold out or there'd be two or three packs sitting miserably on the shelf and I'd swipe them all. But now they've terminated the line for some reason or other. What a shame, I thought. I liked that crap and sure had a hard time getting some myself so it must be popular right?! Ah well. So yeah, aside from that no other brands really.

Malaysia Milk Sdn Bhd, I salute you! Tabek sekali (to actually do the salute too).

And dump the apple and go with the mango.