Conversation

You had wanted to speak with me, I gathered. And so we met again. Your pale whitish face almost had no emotion. You were almost a pale shadow of the self that I had known. But beneath those eyes I knew you were almost drowned in melancholy. You looked down when I was looking into your eyes. As if you could not bear the thought of being observed. As if you were afraid that your iris might tell me all of your secrets.

You came nearer to me. And you pulled my shoulder. You rested your head on it. And you began sobbing. I could feel the warmth of your tears slowly flowing down my neck. Your hands pulled my body towards you ever closer. Almost clutching me. Like you would never want to let me go. I put my hand around you. And I ran my fingers through your hair at the back of your head. We were like lovers. Long lost lovers who had suddenly met again. I could feel you. Felt all of your anxieties. Your pains. I thought I could see all your hopes, your wishes, your dreams. I walked through the valleys of your emotions, swam in the rivers of your fears, crawled on the sands of your desires. I knew you. I had known you for hundreds of years. And I realised I had lost you for quite a while.

You were trembling. Your hands gripped my back and I felt a sharp pain on my back. I felt something wet running down my spine. It was my blood!  Suddenly you shook me hard. You pushed me and  I saw your face. Your eyes were filled with thousands of bloodshot veins. Your hair had become unkempt. Flowing down your neck and shoulders. I looked at your hands. Your nails have become long and black.

With a voice that sounded like a growl of thousands of hungry wolves, you screamed, "I am going to take over.....I am going to take you over....."

Dream

Last night I saw you, in all your naked glory. You were standing there, in the corner, under the dim lamp. You looked content. Almost peaceful. But you were still. And you were silent.

It was when I was about to touch you that you turned and walked away. You stopped by the window and you turned around towards me. You looked intense. Almost angry. Your eyes looked deeply into mine, piercing through all my thoughts, deciphering them, translating them. Suddenly you had a knife in your hand.

You ran towards me. Pushed me to the floor. Sat on me and slashed me. I was bleeding all over. Numbed from all the pains. You dragged me up by my hair. Sat me down on the chair. With your knife at my throat, you forced me. To write this...

i Am BoRed...

Bala oh Bala,

kenaper engko camtu

camner aku tak camtu

aku ditimpa bala

bala oh bala

kenaper engko timper Bala

camner aku tak timpa Bala

Bala carik aku

Bala oh Bala

kenaper ko carik bala

bukan aku yang carik bala

bala yang ikut aku

bala oh bala

kenaper plak engko ikut Bala

camner aku tak ikut Bala

Bala suker panggil aku

Bala oh Bala

mengaper engko sker panggil bala

bukan aku sker panggil bala

orang panggil aku Bala

Orang oh orang

kenaper ko sker panggil Bala

camner kiter tak panggil Bala

itu dah memang namer dier

memang namer dier

memang namer dier...

A Visitation

Dear Papa,

How are you? I hope that you are enjoying life as usual and that you are healthy. But I am sure you are healthy, because as I remember, you are a health freak of sort! How’s your racing Papa? Are you already prepared for this year’s endurance race? Is the car ready? But most important of all, are you ready? Knowing you, I am sure everything is under controll and all problems are being looked into and will be sorted out, if not already sorted out.

I know that Papa. Because you are that kind of person. You are that kind of father to all of us. Kak Long, Angah, Adik and myself, all of us, had always known that. You would take care of everything. Not a single complaint from you. Not a single word from you. But at the end of the day, everything will be there for us. I am now old enough to realise Papa, that despite all the aloofness, and sometimes the silence, you had always had all of us in your heart all the time for which all of us now are so thankful and grateful. If only you are around, we would of course try to repay some of your deeds, if that was ever gonna be possible.

You know Papa, life is synonymous with time. Life gets along as time passes by. It is when time stops that life stops. And probably, vice versa too. It is difficult in the sense that all of us have to learn to get by in life but the biggest lesson of all is life itself and the best teacher is also life itself! And with life, we have all got to learn as it comes along. Now, that is not exactly proper planning don’t you think Papa?

Sometimes I detected a degree of coldness on your face Papa. And also in your voice. I used to think that those were the times when you were in a bad mood or something. But now I realise that the coldness was just probably your defence mechanism. Against all that was happening in your life. In our lives. Notwithstanding, we had a really good life Papa. Thanks to you and mom. And since you have been gone, life was initially quite tough for all of us. We missed you a lot. And still do. How sometimes all of us would wish that you are still around. Looking at you dreaming on the swing at night. Washing the cars on weekends. Even polishing your shoes. Restringing your guitars (gosh, I miss that riffs you used to play Papa, that real noisy riff from that Pink Floyd song, what was it, Comfortably Numb, was it Papa?). I miss creeping up behind you while you are on your lazy chair reading one of those silly articles about some foreign policy and stuffs. I miss sitting, and then, falling asleep on your lap in your music room. I miss you Papa.

Hey you know what? Today is my birthday. I remember my 7^th birthday really well Papa. That was today isn’t it Papa? In your time that is. That pink “gameboy” set which you bought as a present. It was like you were reading my mind! How did you know? I never told anybody. Not you. Not mom. You know, I still have it now with me. After all these years. It still works. Just the other day someone offered a hefty price for that stuff but of course I was not gonna sell it, not even for a kidney and a heart! I remember you coming back from the office on my 7^th birthday. You were a bit late that day. I suppose you had to go and buy my “gameboy” set on the way back home and that was why you were late. Mom had baked a cake. And we celebrated it after dinner. With 7 candles on the cake. And the cake! What a cake! A chocolate cake (my fav!). And we had lotsa ice creams too! Ya, that was exactly 45 years ago, Papa. I still have the video of that small party we had. And Adik was just learning how to walk. That was 2007 Papa. How we all miss those days. Days when we were all together. But in life, of course, nothing last forever.

Although you are now gone, forever, I thank God that through technology, I now could communicate with you on your blog. I could always write to you and perhaps get some news from you and mom. I could always tell you that all of us are doing okay. You and mom had prepared us well Papa. Thank you. I have got to pen off now. I will write to you again sometime later.

With lotsa loves and kisses,

Sara

9^th May 2052

ps: Oh ya, Kak Long, Angah and Adik say "hi" to you and mom. They will write in soon.

ps 2: actually I had wanted to write to you for a long time but I had just found this blog while I was in the library just now. It's a cool blog Papa, with really cool writings. It's full of historical facts. And all the rants. Like, wow! The Chapatti Moments! I mean, they don't write like that anymore nowadays. Nobody does! And finally, I could find articles about tootbrushes and highlighters! Brilliant.