The Economy: A Stimulating Idiot's Guide (Reloaded)

Art originally wrote this piece which is published at Articulations and Loyarburok. We thought of putting it up again here with the pictures he actually wanted to use. I volunteered to undertake this. In return he graciously permitted me to '[f]eel free to re-write whatever is deemed fit and necessary.' So with this license, I thought I'd try doing something I've been wanting to try out: an Art/Daef collab. So here is the piece, reloaded! We hopes you enjoying its.

So, we're supposed to be insulated from the global economic meltdown like a turgid penis fully sheathed in a skin tight condom with the little tip flopping about impotently at the end. Like, uh, awesome dood! When countries with bigger metaphorical penises like America, Japan and Germans suffering economic-tile dysfunction so badly they're almost diagnosed as koro, we on our mishapen penile peninsular named Malaysia smiled like a pimp after his hoes turned good tricks all night. When the biggest economies were foretelling complete and utter financial disaster, our guys are telling us that you, me, and yeah you too, that we would be insulated because of our "diversified economy and strong foundations". Not only that dood. We not just gonna maintain our hard on, but we gonna grow it even bigger and better... 4.5% of penile growth they proclaimed. Forgetting that even with the condom on, their balls are still exposed.

Despite trenchant criticism from sounder economists that our Finance Ministry is living in Najibland, we are also insulated because of the wide spread mental therapy our Home Ministry has implemented known as 'Repeat Therapy'. Unfortunately, it does not apply to sex. For the virginal, Repeat Therapy is a process where we convince ourselves of the truth of something by repeating it until we cannot think of anything else. We have one of its most profound practitioners of this mind techonology with our beloved outgoing Prime Minister, the inimitable Dato' Seri Abdullah Ahmad Badawi. Remember when he repeatedly said "I am in control" as he was being shoved out the party? Or when he repeatedly chanted "I will be fair" when he was at best only in skin colour? Or in those private moments when he whispers consolingly to himself repeatedly, 'I know what I'm doing.' before falling asleep soundly. Stuff like that. So let's do the Badawi and keep chanting (unless you are Muslim then you can only chant in Arabic, because then it doesn't count as chanting even though it really is) 'Malaysia's economy is insulated' as our nuts hang out for the global financial epidemic to wipe it clean off.

The truth is the world economy is bad, getting worse and going to hit us like one big bad fiery meteor from hell up the arse. Check this. The International Labour Organisation projects that 23 million people are going to lose their jobs in Asia this year! (see here) 1% of that is 230,000. Even if Malaysia "contributes" 0.5% of that, it would mean 115,000 Malaysians would lose their job! Insulated? Like a condom with the head ripped off more like. And what about the approximately 300,000 Malaysians crazy enough to work in Singapore? If even 10% of them are retrenched, that means 30,000 people without jobs.

Now factor in the reduction of working days due to production cut-off, cancellation of over-time, forced holidays, compulsory masturbation and the freeze on bonus and salary increass; has our government given any thought what the cumulative effect of all that would do to our economy?

Condom with the head ripped off? Na'ah. 4.5% GDP growth? Ha ha. More like A bulldog ran over and slashed at our nuts and ripped off our no longer turgid penises with one savage yank (no I don't mean American). Just recently, Citibank Group forecasted that our GDP will in fact shrink to -1.5% this year! Economic koro dood. The big R. The Mama Kahuna. But remember what Abdullah Ahmad Badawi and Nor Mohamad said earlier this year? No. We will not be in a recession. We will do fine. We will grow wings and halos will appear on our head as our genitals grow larger and wider. So repeat after them and it will be alright, okay?

The numbers are creeping out now. Malaysia's export has shrunk. In December 2008 alone, our export shrunk to 46 billion ringgit, which represents a 14.9% decline year on year (see here). Our biggest trading partner, America, is in a financial black hole. Japan, our traditional trading partner is seeing their consumer index dipping southward at an alarming rate. And we are insulated. Roight. The only guy who can probably pull insulated off in such an environment is David Copperfield but it's a shame he didn't do finance and economics.

So let's discuss economics in easy to understand terms. We want to use terms that can reach both the lowest and highest common denominator.

Lesson One: The Economy is Like a Set of Tits

God, aren't those awesome. Uh, where were we? Oh yeah. Tits. Big ones. We think we like 'em big. Because big means more and in this age of capitalism, bigger always means better. But the thing is, tits are generally not naturally big. Well, most of the time, that is. To make the economy big, we would have to do something to it like if we wanted to make a pair of tits firmer. We gotta stroke it, love it, want it. But they definitely ain't getting firmer or bigger just by staring hard at them. Plus, it's rude to stare you know.

No. That wouldn't do. We have to bring them to the operating table, cut them open and inject silicon to prop them up so that their nipples start pointing skyward and stitch 'em back discreet.ly Then they will be big. But no, we cannot just do that. That would be wrong.

We at Navel Gazing will always examine our subject matter thoroughly first. From this extensive examination, we can then determine what is wrong, or not quite right with them. Then after a shag or two, we go to the drawing board and plan. We would have to imagine then start sketching out modestly the kind of tits that we crave or may need. We cannot just make do with any old tits which are big. And we certainly cannot be mechanical about it by either injecting and injecting until the nipples start staring back at the owner or stimulate, stimulate and stimulate until the nipples get sore. If we did that, we'd have Frankenstein tits - monstrous, ugly and totally useless because they are so frightening!

Lesson Two: The Economy, Like Tits, Must be Proportionate

Just because big is good, don't think that the bigger they are, the better they will be. That is why China had to actually control its economics growth. They try to control growth around 8-10%. Sometimes it exceeds to 11%. But there must be control. Why? Because if we do not control the growth, the economy would grow too fast and a bubble effect would ensue. The bubble then, when it is too big, like tits, would burst! When it burst, it would ruin the hard on, dooood.

Lesson Three: Look at the Whole Body, Not Just the Tits

This is very important. Just imagine a 36FF on a 4'8" body with big hair. Whoa nelly!

So just like a woman's hawt body, the economy must be looked at as a whole. Not in selective spots here, there if not everywhere. We have micro economics and macro economics. Both must compliment each other the way our respective reproductive functions of both sexes do. Micro policies must be optimised to support the macro ones, like the various limbs and body work to support the breasts.

Which brings us to our next point. The economy does not exist in a vacuum. It is but one element in a bigger circle consisting of the society and the international community. And in that respect, politics plays an important role into the equation. Hence the economy cannot be detached from its direct impact on social and political life, or as we would happily argue sexual life! When planning the economy thoughts must be given to its societal impact.

What for instance are we going to do about the people who lose their jobs? What about retraining? What about creating small business opportunities? Or new job skills? And have we thought of the rising criminal activities which are induced by economics uncertainties or difficulties? What about health problems afflicting the people due to the economics downturn? What about health care system? Are we going to sacrifice educations in favour of a quick financial gain elsewhere? And what are we going to do when all these turmoils are over? Back to the same old game? Or new games? If it is the latter, do we need new rules and regulations? Are we going to diversify in something else? New and uncharted economics territory?

Lesson Four: Stimulations Must be Total

Don't just concentrate on the nipples! Just as a woman needs to be pleasured thoroughly and completely before she hits a multiple orgasm, those so called stimulus packages should be spread throughout the various economic sectors. They certainly should not be targetted solely at heavily politically connected industries like the construction industry. Just recently we heard that Road Builders (a subsidiary of IJM) was awarded the extensions of a road by 12 kilometers immediately after the concession of the toll road it operates expires! Hmmm... one expires and another one springs to life. Like an irrepresible hard on. Interesting.

Anyway, as we were saying, the stimulus plan must be wide ranging and holistic in nature. It mustn't be a stop gap measure. That's like being able to obtain a hard on easily but then suffering acutely from pre-mature ejaculation. Little point in it. Stimulation must have direction and work towards a goal, and must not be spaced too far apart. You just don't warm up the breasts only to go off for an hour and then come back for the main course. The economy just doesn't work like that. The fact that we have to announce a second stimulus just about 4 months after the first one shows that the first one was insufficient and not sufficiently thought out. We do not want a 3rd stimulus after this. Or a 4th one. There must be one holistic stimulus. Have we ever heard China launching a second stimulus in 4 months? Or Germany? Or wherever? Oh wait, maybe Chad... oh wait, they don't give a shit.

Our Government has a bad habit of introducing stop gap measures. While these may seem good at first, problems will continue to arise like a nasty ex-gf you just cannot get rid off. Any stimulus package must appreciate all angles. In particular, it must address all the issues raised in Lesson Three above. If not it is more useless than stimulus. And that is so not the very cool, dooood.

a question of approach...

Just imagine, for one moment.

Press statement for immediate release by the National Fatwa Council of Malaysia.

"Fatwa 101/2009

The National Fatwa Council of Malaysia hereby announces a Fatwa passed on 25th November 2009. This Fatwa is passed unanimously by the members of the Council during its meeting on the same date. The full members of the Fatwa Council are as stated in the annexure to this announcement.

The Council is mindful of the highly stressful environment that many Malaysians, in general, and the Malaysian Muslims, in particular, are in at the present time. Work and family commitments, financial and business undertakings as well as various other factors tend to put a lot of stress on many of us, Malaysians. In the light of the economics meltdown which economists and analysts are predicting to take place in the near future, the Council expects the stress situation to get worse.

The Council acknowledges that as a  result, many Malaysians are now more conscious about their health and issues relating to the same. The mushrooming of fitness centres and health spas are testimony to the growing interest among Malaysians on health issues. The Council is of the opinion that this is a healthy development.

Islam encourages the "ummah" (the society) to live a healthy life. The mandatory prayers in itself consist a set of flowing movements which have  scientifically been proven to promote the well beings of its practitioners. The highly stressful environment that we live in in the present days  may result in high blood pressure, cardio vascular problems, stroke and a host of other health problems which could, if untreated, be fatal.

It is therefore necessary for all of us to look after ourselves and our health. A healthy body is after all necessary for a healthy mind. A healthy mind is would be able to effectively and positively contribute to the betterment of the "ummah" .

The Council notes that one of the various forms of exercises which are preferred by Malaysians, including Malaysian Muslims, is the practice of yoga. Concerns have been raised by some members of the public, as well as the members of the Council, that yoga is a form of exercises practiced by and originate from the Hindus and that such practices may include certain religious rituals which may be repugnant against Islamic principles.

The practice of yoga, to the Council's understanding, may consist of 3 elements, namely:

a) physical movements or exercises;

b) chanting or uttering certain mantras; and,

c) meditation.

It is therefore imperative that Muslims who practice yoga do not inadvertently  or unknowingly transgress Islamic principles which may cause them to commit unpardonable sin in Islam, such as the practice of idolising a god other than Allah s.w.t.

After much research and deliberation, including hearing the opinions of various yoga practitioners and experts - the references of the Council's research and the names of the various experts and yoga practitioners are annexed to this announcement -  the Council would like to encourage Muslims to continue engaging in physical exercises whenever possible in order to ensure good health. The Council would like to however remind that some yoga movements are complicated and may instead be hazardous to one's well being. The Council therefore advises Muslims to engage a proper trainer in order to ensure an effective and safe physical exercises sessions.

In so far as the yoga practices consist of mantras and chanting in the form as recorded in the enclosed compact disc, it is the Council's opinion that such mantras and chanting ought not to be practiced by Muslims as the same consist of words or phrases which is praiseful of idols or gods other than Allah s.w.t. Such practice, in the Council's opinion, should be immediately stopped as it is a cardinal Islamic principle that a Muslim ought to only worship one God, Allah s.w.t.

Other mantras or chanting, which may take the form as recorded in the enclosed compact disc (disc "B"), which consist of only words, phrases or sounds which are relaxing in nature may be uttered as the Council does not see any religious significance in them.

The Council wishes to impress on all Malaysians, especially our Hindu friends, that this fatwa is not intended to decry the yoga practices among Muslims. It is just intended to be a gentle advice to Muslims on a question of Islamic faith. Muslims may call the Council or e mail the Council at the numbers or address provided on the Council's web site if the need arises.

The Council wishes all Malaysians Muslims all the best in their pursuit of physical and spiritual health.

May God bless all of us and our good deeds."

The fatwa on yoga, as announced by the National Fatwa Council, in my opinion, was a top class failure in public relation. The Council gave a short statement. That was it. Till today, I have not read the actual "fatwa" or decree, which I, as a Muslim, am supposed to adhere. All I had read was newspaper reports. Many of us, me included, do not have a clue as to who the members are and quite how these members arrived at their conclusion that yoga is unIslamic. It might as well have been a decision by the Star Chambers for all we know.

And quite why all the fatwas issued by the Council have to be in the negative form (as in, Muslim cannot do this and Muslims shall not do that) is frankly beyond me. They sound so unfriendly. And they make Muslims sound so...stupid and recalcitrant, as if we have to be told what NOT to do all the time.

I am not going into the correctness or otherwise of the fatwa. What I am saying is, why can't a fatwa be issued in a positive light, like the one I have taken the trouble to write above? For once I think, Muslims would like to be told that what they are doing is alright but in areas where they might be wrong, they would be obliged for some tender guidance and fatherly advice. Not a stern "you SHALL NOT do this and that"!

I think, had the Council issued the fatwa on yoga in a more humane and friendlier manner - like the one above - it would endear itself to Malaysians and such fatwa would not have kicked up the totally unnecessary storm as it did.

Public relation. Have you all ever heard of that?

 

 

 

 

 

Comment on Malaysia Building Society Berhad's Promo Material

I was at the Malaysia Building Society Berhad (MBSB) yesterday on some business and as I had to wait, I did what I usually do when I don't bring a book with me, stroll over to the brochures, take one each and then go back to the counter and read whatever I have. So I have put up there for you MBSB's Personal Finance - i (what's with these stupid names? Just call it what it is lah!) brochure. 

Maybe I'm warped but if you read their tag line, it seems to hint at an element of recklessness: We put the money in your wallet, and the rest is up to you. Thankfully they had enough class to leave the apostrophe out. Let's break it down here. MBSB will put money in my wallet and the rest is up to me? Great! Now I can take this loan and finally afford to get into those top class karaokes or get me that dream foursome going, or wait, wait, now I can finally get that kilo of coke that I've been scraping and saving for. It's so easy! Sheesh. What kind of pitch is this? Mind you they went with this angle of pitch probably ignorant of the backdrop of increasing bankruptcies due to credit cards. Bernama reported on 21 May 2008 the following: 

As for the number of people declared bankrupt due to credit card debts, Nor Mohamed (ed: the Second Finance Minister) said the number last year was 1,873 people compared with 1,656 in 2006 and 1,479 in 2005 and 1,397 people in 2004.

Then there's the brochure below titled "Exec-Entrepreneur" Financing - i (Pembiayaan Usahawan Muda-i). You may not be able to read what's written on it unless you download the picture and then enlarge it but I'll save you the trouble and put up what they have written in sequence:

(Yellow words) For those determine to succeed. - we make it happen. 

Their Malay translation: Untuk mereka yang mempunyai wawasan untuk berjaya.

(Black bold) This package is offered to graduates to start their own business. 

Pakej ini memberi peluang kepada graduan untuk memulakan perniagaan. 

(I won't put the translations for the ones below)

• Payment period between 2 to 7 years
• Minimum RM 5,000 - Maximum RM 50,000
• Salary deduction from employer, Biro Perkhidmatan Angkasa (BPA), post dated cheque or standing instruction
• MDTA Takaful throughout the financing period
• One guarantor or collateral is required
• Joint borrower

Let's take it from the top: 

'For those determine to succeed' 

God. You know nobody checked this. They should pull the d out of the editor's arse, turn it around and then stuff it up his arse again. Unless he likes that, of course. Then don't bother. (Sorry, just couldn't help myself. How can you not crack an arsehole or sodomy joke in Malaysia right now?! Pun intended of course!)

Then let's consider their tag line 'For those determine to succeed. - we make it happen.' But how do they do that aside form chucking money at that Usahawan Muda? Nothing. All they talk about is the terms of the loan. 

There is no value added service such as some rudimentary advice on what's available to them as a mode for starting their business - partnership, sole trader, company - private or limited, etc and some basics on the areas to keep an eye on (cash flow, regular expenses) and certain common pitfalls that afflict newcomers (selling the same thing without any added value). 

This is important since they are pitching to graduates - people who essentially just came out of school. Because really, having looked at the personal financing 'features' and compared it to this one we're discussing - there's little difference in terms of what you eventually get (the former has a higher 'financing' loan amount - RM 75,000 and lower minimum RM 3,000.00). It's like being at a restaurant where they list 50 items on the menu but they all refer to the same dish. 

I could tell you also about the MBSB Assist Personal Financing-i, which describes itself as 'an exclusive medical assistance package for UKM KESIHATAN clients/patients to assist their loved one.' but I'd be wasting both our time. The only significant difference from the "Exec-Entrepreneur" Financing - i is that the MBSB Assist option gives you a '5.5% flat profit-sharing rate' whatever the heck that is. We get 5.5% of the profit shared out amongst all of us? Profit made when? What if there's no profit? Argh. Okay, maybe I'm just dumb about this stuff. But if you get right down to it, it's just a slice of salad with the goddamned chicken. All I can say is what lousy financial products they have. Zero added value aside from loaning you money. 

Sometimes I wonder you know. Is it just me? Maybe I'm the one who's missing something here. Maybe it actually all makes sense and it's me that's out of the loop of sense, both common and uncommon. Maybe, maybe, I should take some medicine. The type that makes me feel good. Yeah! That type of medicine. Then, then this will all make sense. Or I hope so anyway...

The Boring Introduction

Lawyers write a lot. Corporate lawyers have to draft long but nobody reads unless there is a dispute agreements and litigation lawyers write long affidavits and submissions to the opposite party. In between, they write opinions and articles where again, nobody can comprehend. At least, I don't.

If you think that all these writing and stuff make them more creative, nah ah I don't think so. I am just focusing on lawyers here because these days, most of the articles I read are written by lawyers or at least what I am about to write is more apparent amongst lawyers. Except for some, I normally hate these articles, especially the introductions.

The article maybe heavy with knowledge, helpful and interesting blah, blah, blah but an introduction that starts with a definition will normally give you the feeling that what you are about to read is nothing more than a vomit.

If you do not believe me, tell me how many times have you read a legal article that did not start with the phrase "It is an establish legal principle", "It is an established law", " It is almost settled proposition" In the case of so and so" or "section 4 of the Lazy to think Act 1840 states". I believe the answer is not many, at least to me.

Agh..... Why, Why Why? I think a 12 year old can write better introductions. I cringe every time I have to read an article that starts like that.

While we cannot judge an article by the introduction, an introduction is still an invitation to read. Some may write the introduction last but that does not matter, an introduction creates the first impression of the writer to the reader. It is almost like saying hello to someone you just met, you quickly take a good look of his face, clothes etc and make up an opinion whether you will like this person or just throw him off the friend's shelves. Things can go awfully wrong just from the way you say hello. The same with articles, a boring introduction might throw people off and since they don't read, you never get your message across. What a waste of effort then.

Fine, write whatever you want, show everybody that you are smart and know lots of stuff in law but introductions like that made me wonder whether you are lazy. Does not matter if the rest of the article states otherwise, you bore me already like I am bored with myself, right now. No particular reason, I just started this with a boring introduction.

Things To Try Once #1

The Earthquake - This
earth-shaking extravaganza
combining 8 scoops of old
fashioned ice cream and rich
toppings: chocolate fudge, hot
fudge, butterscotch, hot caramel,
strawberry, pineapple jam,
marshmallow, mixed almonds,
whipped cream and cherries.

This is a bloody free ad for Swensen's, but heck it this is good fun. Try the regular size. See how far you get. Good fun for families and friends who don't mind dipping into the same bowl with utensils they've put in their mouth. Some people have issues. Seriously.

a speedster's view on speed...

I once said “if speed kills, why aren’t there any accident resulting in death in any F1 racing?”. I said that in a discussion group. Expectedly, I was treated like George Bush having lunch at Teheran square!

“You are missing the point!”, says a woman. “That is a controlled environment. Everyone is a professional. The cars are built for speed”, rationalised another person.

But that is precisely the point, isn’t it? Speed alone, doesn’t kill. In an environment where speed is encouraged, where rules and regulations are made and strictly complied with by everybody, where the speedsters are skilled at handling speed and where the machines are built to speed and suitably equipped to handle such speed, speed does not kill!

An F1 race, or any automobile race for that matter, is definite proof that speed does not kill. Need more proof? Well, look at the Autobahn. How many fatal accidents happen on the Autobahn? Thus, the emphasis on curbing speed as a solution to preventing accidents, fatal or otherwise, is an exercise which invites the usage of the proverbial “barking at the wrong tree”. I am a keen racer myself. And I had never been involved in any accident involving other drivers while practising, testing or taking part in racing events. There are times when I ended up in the gravel but those were caused solely by my own miscalculations, stupidity or my car’s mechanical failure. In fact, as a licensed racer, I feel much safer driving around the Sepang F1 track than on our public road! Just the other day I saw a motorcyclist lying dead along Jalan Duta (after the Parliament house) at peak hours on my way home after work. The road was jammed pack with cars and it was raining. How fast could he ride? But he was zig-zagging his way. Went on the emergency lane and hit a lorry which had earlier braked abruptly. What killed him? Speed?

Look at the happenings on our road. Motorcycles zig-zagging at every opportunity. Cars jumping ques, changing lanes at will and road hogging. Huge lorries driven in dangerous manners. Overloaded vans and lorries. Drunk drivers. Pedestrians oblivious to anything at all. Pot holes. Roads which change direction without proper signage/warning or at all. Policemen who are more interested in issuing summons rather than preventing offences. And drivers/road users with bad attitudes. Just to name but a few daily observation of what we see on our public roads.

Our police have all the data about all the accidents from all the police reports lodged. After all, it is mandatory under our law that every accident be reported to the police within 24 hours from its occurrence. Why don’t we engage a consultant to look at all these data? And come up with a statistic. This statistic would show, among others, the followings :-

- the type, model and age of vehicles involved in fatal accidents. This is important. How many time have we seen fatal accident involving expensive cars like BMW, Mercs, Lexus et al? Why are Kancils, Satrias, Kenaris, Sagas and old lorries, buses and vans and what have you always involved in fatal accidents? I am not a snob but this is a fact. Is it because something is wrong with these cars/vehicles or is it because there is something wrong with the owners of these cars/vehicles? If it was the later, the statistic would also show the profile of the owners of these vehicles.

- the profile of the drivers who are involved in fatal accidents.

- the circumstances under which fatal accidents take place. For example, what was the time? Was it dark? Was it raining? Was the traffic light working? Was there a traffic jam? Etc…

- the condition of the road where fatal accidents happen.

- the condition of the vehicles involved in fatal accidents. Was it old? Was it properly maintained? Was it overloaded? Etc..

- the nature of the location of the fatal accident.

These statistics will than have to be studied. The root cause or causes of accidents, fatal or otherwise could than be ascertained and addressed in a holistic manner. Issuing summons and going all out to collect the compounds and giving discounts on the compounds is not going to work. In fact, it is now proven that it is not working. Look at the data. Spend some money on this exercise. Spend some thoughts as well. And I am sure a holistic approach could be found to at least lessen the number of fatal accidents in this country.

In short, I say, please prepare a report…