Well, Fried Kuey Teow

That was my lunch yesterday and the topic of today's discussion. It is also an exemplary picture of a well fried Fried Kuey Teow (WFKT, fer short). It is theoretically not difficult to produce WKFT.

Firstly, you need a roaring flaming fire, the type that flicks and leaps threateningly into the trembling air. If it doesn't roar, it ain't hot enough.

Secondly, you need an old regularly used big ass beat up wok to do the cooking. It's got to be large enough that if you wore it on your head upside down, the edges should reach your chin. If it reaches any lower, you're Einstein and Bob's your uncle. The more used it is the better because that means some of the goodness from earlier fry ups that didn't get dished out with it might come unstuck in yours. Yeaaahahaha. You sometimes see those black flecks or odd shaped thin black slices in there? That's the good stuff. Now the most important part about the wok is that it must be fwoking hwok! If it ain't fwoking hwok, it ain't fwok.

Thirdly, you need a big assed scarred and mean looking stainless steel spatula. You don't need to know why. If you don't have this then please go home and place it carefully where the sun doesn't shine. And yes, I mean the drawer. Sheesh. Like grow up people.

Fourthly, ideally it would be great if the kuey teow is made by virgins from China with the most gentlest hands, long hair and big breasts dressed in red cheong sams with high slits on the sides because those are the best. If you can't get then eat lah what you can. Try and by them fresh as you can. Don't buy the preserved one. It's bad for our health and for men it can cause koro.

Fifth, you need to have the freshest eggs (free range), huge prawns (cos they shrink a whole lot), fat and juicy kerang, thin slices of squid (no janggut please, so tak kelassss ), small cuts of red snapper, scallop, New Zealand flown muscles, a bit of lala ready to be thrown into the mix and also have a bit of some barbecued marinated salmon and crayfish on the grill plate. Throw in some green onions, chopped garlic, soy sauce, and a bi' a chili paste to the fwoking hwok wok.

Sixthly, you need to have the passionate cooking face where you make all sorts of 'meaningful' facial contortions to reflect the passionate drama of the fusing of the ingredients as you, with feeling of course, crash the spatula noisily against fwoking hwok wok (it's rather annoying isn't it?).

Voi-fookin'-la.

You may by now have noticed that I said not one word about the tau geh. This is deliberate. And this is a little known fact but a WFKT should not have tau geh. It should be bereft of this monstrous culinary weed because it is so high in water content that it tends to dilute the good and delicious taste of a WKFT. This is because the good taste molecules easily bonds with water molecules especially those kept in tau geh and seeps out of the WFKT. That is why when WKFT is fried with tau geh, it always tastes weaker or less intense. Try it without the tau geh. You will find the taste is more potent, imagine the muscles on the shoulders of a huge male bull those that die in the bullfighting ring - it's something like that. Powerful. Raw. Tasty.

Well, Well Fried Kuey Teow.

Get the hell out of here now and get some.