Thursday, May 15, 2008

Things people say which really, they shouldn't say, coz they mean absolutely nothing!

1. First on this list is the oft repeated/used phrase: I apologise if I had offended you; I apologise for all inconvenience caused; I apologise for being correct but you cannot appreciate that I am correct and you are offended because of your inability to do so and therefore you are a moron and so I apologise for your feeling so as I now know that you are a moron...or any phrase to that effect.

I have written about this here. And so I am not going to say more. Except for saying that politicians, stupid morons who think others are as moronic as themselves and lobotomised monkeys are so fond of this useless, insulting, meaningless and totally irritating phrase. To those who is fond of saying this phrase, let me say this. You are a fucking moron! If you are offended, well, I am sorry.

2. Second on this list is: I know that this is the very thing she/he would want me to do if she/he is alive; If she/he is alive, she/he would do this very thing which I am about to do now; She/he wouldn't have done it any differently had she/he been alive or phrases to this effect. You know la what I mean.

Hello? You are quite a piece of work aren't you? Fucking bullshit! He/she is as fucking dead as a door knob you idiot! How would you know that? Duh! Some months ago, the British icons of squeaky clean living and mother's boy, Prince Harry and Prince Williams, decided to have a big bash. They had no tangible reasons for wanting to do that. So they said they knew their mother, the dead Lady Diana, would want her to be remembered on the anniversary of her death, in a big party. Yeah rite....they knew. And how old were they when their mother got bumped off the airbags in that dreadful Mercedes (Mercedes is a stupid car, by the way!) driven by that drunk Brits? Yo! If you want to do something, just do it. Don't say you are doing it because some dead people had wanted you to do it. Idiots.

3. Third on the list: If I could turn back the clock , I would or wouldn't put his/her head in that crocodile's mouth at the zoo. Well, you get what I mean.

Awesome! This phrase is just awesome in its uselessness, meaninglessness and irritatingness. Unless I have been so out of tune with scientific reality, which I think I have not - and you are an idiot if you think so, and I am sorry if you are offended by that last remark, tho' I think you are a klumptz for feeling so - the last time I read my science book, I notice that yes, you can of course turn your clock backward (if it is an analogue clock, as opposed to a digital one, coz it is not possible to "turn" a digital clock back!), but it is not possible to go back in time. Yes, it is impossible for you to travel back in time. And that is notwithstanding you having turned your clock (analogue, mind you, not digital - please read the preceding sentence). No. You just can't go back in time. Losers, sentimentalist (please emphasise the "MENTAL" part when you read the word "sentiMENTAList"), hopeless nothing-better-to-do romantics, guilt ridden virgin killers and politicians who have just lost their seats love this utterly stupid phrase. What an arse! Really.

4. Fourth on this list is this utterly self-serving -confident-for-no-reason-other-than-to- declare-one's-arrogance phrase, namely, "If I were to relive my life, I wouldn't have changed it a bit" or "I would have done the same thing all over again" or "I would have lived my life in exactly the same way as I don't have any regret" bla bla bla ...

Yea rite! Bullshit of the year! Why, you mean you would relive your life all over again in exactly the same way? Including the time you were caught wanking at the back of the classroom by the very teacher who was the object of your self-relief? And you are saying you would have betted for Liverpool to win the Premier League in 2000/2001/2003/2004/2005/2006/2007 and 2008 all over again? And what about the night you puked on your girlfriend's boobs while trying to shag her after a party at Hard Rock? Or the time your mate kicked the beejeezus out of your teeth while you dived head on for a flying header during the football practice? You would relive them all over again? You are either an idiot or a liar. Or both.

By the way, it is impossible for you to relive your live. Please see number 3 above. Bullshit!

5. Fifth on the list is favoured by people who can't really understand English, simple minded people and stupid people, which come to think of it, are the same bunch of people. The phrase sounds like this: "I wouldn't do that if I were you..."

Well stupid, you are not me. And I am not you. I did what I did because I wasn't and will not be you. Also because you weren't and will not be me. Ever. If I were you - on the assumption that that is possible in the first place, which I think is not (but then again, you might know something which I don't know, because I am not you and you are not me) - than of course, I would not do that thing which I did, because you obviously would not do that thing which I did when I was myself and not you. Get it? But the phrase which you had just uttered, well, I wouldn't have uttered it if I were you, because it does not make any sense. You know why? Because if you were me, you would become me and you would act my way, because you had become me. So, if you had become me, then surely you would have done the very same thing which I had done, because you are now me and not yourself. The correct phrase is therefore, "I would have done the same thing you had done if I were you". Correct? Well, if you did not understand, it is truly understandable, because you are not me. If you were me, you would have understood it. That is because I am the one who had thought of it and written it. And since you are now me, you would have understood it. But of course, you are not me. Not before. Not now. So, perhaps that is why you did not and do not and will not understand it. Get it? Moron!

6. This is interesting. "I wouldn't have missed this for the world!"

Really? You mean you wouldn't have missed this funeral of your boss' father for the world? Even for Scarlet Johansen waiting for you in a tight leather pants with red bra and panties together with Jessica Alba who coincidentally is tagged along by Rhihanna? You wouldn't have missed it. Would you? Well, if I were you, I probably wouldn't too. But I tell you what. If you were me, you would have given it a miss. Even if it was my own funeral. You twerp!

7. This is favoured by UMNO leaders. "I would contest if the members want me to do so."

Well well well. Bro, if you had wanted to contest, say so la. I WANT TO CONTEST. Because I had always wanted to be the Prime Minister. I don't care what you all think. All I know is that I want to contest. Because I think I was born to contest this post. And I tell you what. I am good. I will be a really good leader. Well, at least, I would be a better leader than the current one. So, all you stupid people, this is your chance. Nominate me. Now. If I were you, I would do so now. And if you were me, you would also do so now.

This is the most faggotsy-flimsy-no-balls-non-committal phrase which is ever so popular among UMNO leaders come party election year. They are afraid to make a commitment, because they might not get enough nomination later. So, they utter this utterly useless no balls phrase. So that if they had enough nomination, they could say it's not me who want to contest against the incumbent, it's the people who want me to do so. And who am I to deny the people rite? If only they could just take the bull by its horn and go for it. Show some balls. Faggots!

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