Friday, July 13, 2007

A Short and Concise Non-Clinical Study of the Behavioural Nature and Inclination of a Select Citizenry of a Slaughter House

They are so unbelievably and incredibly stupid. In fact, it is an insult to the word “stupid” and to all the stupid people in the whole universe to call them stupid. It could therefore be incredibly stupid of me to call them stupid. Because their sheer stupidity calls for a redefinition of the word “stupid”. The Oxford people should come up with a new word to describe these people. Perhaps, the word could sound like “stumoronic”, which is a combination of “stupid” and “moronic”. Or “ninkompmoronpoop”. Something like that. Dewan Bahasa dan Pustaka also should come up with a new term. Because the word “bodoh” does not even begin to describe these people. “Mangkuk” is close to describing them. And with their inherent propensity to wank in public, “mangkuk hayun” would be apt.

Yes. I am talking about some of our so called pillars of society, our “yang berhormats” or in English, “parliamentarians”. Jeez, I fell so guilty now. It’s like I am guilty of the proverbial “pencemaran bahasa” or in common English, “verbal diarrhoea”. How could some of these, these, erm…these cretins be addressed as “YBs” is to me a source of endless wonderment and puzzlement, the extent of which is only exceeded when I consider the perennial mother of all puzzlement, namely, “what do women want”?

Our so-called YBs could generally be classified into two categories. The first one has a “stupidtronic” button on their chest. Let’s call this category as Group A. Group A is filled with people who are generally quite clever and make quite clever statements from time to time or when they are intelligently sober. So, when asked, for instance, what they think of America’s or the UK’s stand on global warming, Group A would go all starry eyed and grab the microphone and rattle data and statistics about how the carbon dioxide emissions from various industries in the USA and UK is hurting the world and turning the world into one huge sauna room. They would then launch a tirade of what seems to sound like intellectual diatribes and obvious politically induced statements against the two governments. No matter how self-serving their statements could or might sound. No matter what. But hey, we live in a free world and so we are free to say anything we like about other people. But of course, other people cannot say anything about us because other people don’t know us at all. Very clever. Very intellectual.

These very same people, in Group A, are very special people. They are special because their IQ can vary. Downward that is. They have this very special ability to downgrade their IQ to a single digit by pressing their respective stupidtronic button. The trigger point, at which this button will be called into service, is subject to such wide variables that it is beyond the scope of this humble thesis to explore and explain. Only loose examples could be given. When for instance, they are asked why are new government buildings or complexes full of defects, they would immediately press the stupidtronic button and say things like “the contractors did not do their job properly”. And when further asked why the superintending officer, namely the government servant entrusted to ensure that all jobs are properly done by the contractor before approving payment to the contractor, certify the contractor’s job as done when it is not done properly, they would again press their stupidtronic button and say, “ all buildings must have certain defects”. Get the idea? I betcha.

Stupidtronic button would also be called into action if they are asked why a woman, who is a Christian, and who does not want to be a Muslim, must be subject to mental torture and forced to live with her Muslim father and mother by some religious authorities. They would say, “because WE want her to repent and be a Muslim”. That kinda thing. I think you get the idea, right?

Then there is the second category. This should be referred to as Group B. This is simple. They have no button on their chest. So, you would think that they are always clever and they don’t have the special ability to downgrade their IQ like those in Group A, right? Wrong! They have no button on their chest because they don’t need one. They don’t need one because the people in this group are perpetually stupid. Their whole life is dedicated towards making stupid statements and being stupid. Their greatest achievement in their entire stupid and miserable life is being able to spell their name correctly and to use capital letters at the beginning of their name and their father’s name. Heck, they can’t even fuck properly, these people, I think. You would notice that I had not used the F word in the preceding paragraphs but when describing Group B, you would have no choice but to speak a bit of French. And that is not to say that the French are stupid. No. Not at all. I mean, if the French are stupid, they would not have invented the guillotine right? (not many people notice, but the guillotine is actually based on a kacip! – bloody copycat, these French!). Well, sorry, I digress. This seems to be my common problem whenever I write about serious things. Sorry again. Back to Group B. Yes. They justify their whole existence on this Earth by making normal people like me and you laugh till we are sick in the stomach every time they open their mouth and start talking. Sometime I ask myself, from which hovel did they all come from? Was there a nuclear reactor somewhere in our country which went kaboom about 60-70 years ago and had covered a part of our country with radioactive and were these people born in that area? Or was there a secret, really secret, operation by the English administration after the world war where lobotomy was performed on thousands of Malayans in order to find out the secret behind MCPAJA (the Malyan Chinese People Anti-Japanese Army, which later became MCP, the Malayan Communist Party) which went awfully wrong? Because they seem to be blessed with such supreme stupidity and unsurpassed ability to undertake moroniculous activities (if talking shit could be regarded as an activity) that they could only be mutants caused by some nuclear reactor gone awry or some lobotomy gone wrong. I mean, some mothers do, actually, have ‘em? OMG!

Whatever it is, the people from Group B, and the people from Group A, as and when they press their stupidtronic button, share some common traits which are not hard to notice. Firstly, they have very limited vocab when they argue against each other in the Parliament. “Bodoh!”, shouts one of them. “Kurang ajar”, screams another one. “Awak diam”, implore another. “Celaka, awak makan babi”, says one of them. Okay. I made up the last one. But you get the idea. They are not only super morons, they also seem to be educated at John McEnroe’s School Of Manners. In their past time, they all read Salman Rushdie’s, er, sorry, Sir Salman’s “Vitriolic Verses”. Fuck him! There you go. Another French word.

Secondly, the men in both group seem to be preoccupied with the opposite sex. “We are not preoccupied with the opposite sex!!!”, denies one of them. “We are only obsessed with women”, explains him. Yes, you idiot. I get it. Anything and everything to do with women, and these guys would suddenly be enwrapped by such intellectual vigour that they would spring up like a used Eibach springs and open their mouth to vomit some sickening opinions which to the rest of the civil world sounds really trivial, if not for the sickening side of it. Two days after the Japanese GT race was held in Sepang, they stood up to ask why the Japanese race queens were scantily clad. Orait brader. Good work! You have earned your allowance for this month. Fuck you! I don’t fucking pay you to talk about race queens in the Parliament. You good for nothing morons! Then, two or three days later they would ask why our female artists and singers are wearing tight pants and dresses and short skirts. Wonderful. Excellent. And yes, stupid. They are also preoccupied with pan Asian look. “Our advertisement should not be acted by pan Asian looking women and men”, they scream. Quite what the fuck is pan Asian look, only they are blessed with the gift to know and define.

Thirdly, they can be sexist, and sometime even racist. Discussing the leak at the Parliament house’s roof, one of them say to a lady Parliamentarian, “but you also leak once a month!”. Yeah. And you leak from your ass every now and then. Later, they would issue the standard apology which is, actually, for all intent and purpose, not an apology at all. “If we are wrong, we are sorry”, they said. Which means to say, we don’t think we are wrong, but if you think we are, we are sorry then. Are they then sorry for being wrong or are they sorry for us thinking they are wrong? I really don’t know. Actually, this apology is quite clever, really. Annoying. But clever. Very!

Fourthly, they all wear, or love to wear navy blue double-breasted jacket with brass buttons. Yes. Everywhere and for every occasion. Coffee at Austin Chase at Bangsar Shopping Complex at 5? Yes. I will turn up in a navy blue double-breasted jacket with brass buttons. Opening ceremony of the most technologically advanced toilet in the whole fucking nebula? Yes. Navy blue double-breasted jacket with brass buttons I shall wear. Cabinet meeting? Ditto. Parliament? Ditto. Dinner at Shang? Yes, ditto. They think they look so cool in that jacket. And they call that jacket a coat. Everything is a coat to them. A sports jacket is a coat to them. So is a business suit. In fact, even a tuxedo is a coat to these peeps. What to do? Simple mind!

Fifthly, ant this is the really stupid one. All of them think that all of us are similar to them. Confidently at that. Amazing. This is what my kampung folks call “sombong bodo”! We are not the same with you, idiots! Get real. And get a proper shag, will you please? If you know how, that is.

Two days ago, they slaughtered cows and goats at the Parliament House’s compound to celebrate the PM’s wedding. HUahahAHahahAhahHAAhahAHAHhaHAH… Sorry, I am wiping my tears now. The Speaker of the house, when asked, said that “it is normal to do so”. ‘Scuse me? Normal? It is normal to slaughter cows and goat in the compound of the Parliament House? Yes, it is apparently. Erm, what if next week some MCA or DAP members want to kill some pigs to celebrate their leader’s wedding? Boleh ka? Or some MIC members want to do a kavadi procession for whatever reason? Normal eh? Erm, while we are at it, why don’t we pop some Don Perignon and some bottles of Pinnot Noir and a barrel or two of Kilkenny’s? Boleh yer? Normal what? After all, that’s how we celebrate a wedding.

Oh Captain, my Captain. In Malaysia however, it’s “oh Idiot, my Idiot”!

PS This is part of a thesis submitted by the writer to his local university for his Doctorate in "Animal Husbandry". Surprisingly, to the writer, he failed.

5 comments:

Krishna said...

This was coincidentaly the breakfast topic this morn with my friends/business partners. Like you I just couldn't understand how such carry ons..... uhh..... carry on. And how stupidity seems to carry some form of prestige. There is no shame, no guilt no conscience anymore..

Parliament is the very seat of government and democracy. Using terms like 'August house' is not meant to be window dressing. It is and is meant to be upheld as an August house. But like anything else it is just mere spin in this country. To slaughter animals in it's compound..... there's really no words to descibe the gravity or depth of the baseness or crudeness of such an act. No wonder we're labeled as natives....

Aside from the above, what about the sensitivities of the other Parliamentarians? I'm no hindu but I do respect the sensitivities of Hindus or Muslims or Buddhists or Christians. It's a mark of civility and civil society to do so.

Your post as usual cuts to the chase (when you choose to :-) and accurately sums up what we have to contend with my friend...

the Anomaly said...

What University is it that failed you in this excellent thesis??

Kris, me thinks dat they thinketh the House was built in August seeing that our independence day is in August etc .... so , they misunderstand lah what "august house" means ...

Art, you have surpassed all boundaries in your description of "stupidity". I am asking your permission to plagerise chunks of paragraphs from your thesis to insert in my emails and letters to some stupendously moronic cretins. There are at least 5 people I know who could immediately be placed under your nimcomoronicpoop category.

Hey, don't forget that "Parliamentarian" who yelled out "Keling Botol" or rather "Keling Botoi" saying that up north its normal to call people that ... Someone should shove a botoi up his ...err where the sun don't shine.

Navy jackets with brass buttons... don't forget the Black Tie parties. Years ago a high flying client invited his MDs & CEOs of his subsidiaries/associated companies to a black tie party. yeah.. you guessed it. Some of these people turned up with literally ... a Black coloured tie .... So the next day, as a joke, he sent out to this group of people as a present, a black Versace tie - these included my then 2 bosses who told me what happened. I looked at one of them and said "I'm not surprised - after all, you wear braces AND a belt. You should at least subscribe to GQ. They give these basic advise you know..."

By the way Art, this form of apology is not unique you know. I'm sure they copied it from Pope Benedick (yes, I know there is a spelling error here) who said something like "I'm sorry for the consequences my comments caused" which was later copied by the ageing, can't-let-go, leader of the little red dot, Lee Kuan Yew when he said to our PM "I'm sorry that my comments caused you distress."

Note that none of them are apologising for their statements but they are in fact, slapping you in the face further by saying that your reaction is stupid and they are sorry you reacted so badly to their comments.

Way to go Art! Which University is it that rejected your thesis? University of California? There a loads of El Stupidos in the United States. Perhaps we should ship our parliamentarians off to that country. Their President belong to Group C. Which is Beyond Stupidmoronimcompoopcretinology.

Au nom du Français, je souhaite vous remercier de ne pas nous appeler stupides.

art harun said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
the Anomaly said...

Mon Cher Ami Art (pardon my French, my last attempt was grammatically incorrect plus a smattering of wrong words - was staring out the window at the daffodils during French class at school,)
Thanks sooo much. The purpose of a pseudonymn (did i spell it correctly?)is to maintain anonymity :) Now everybody knows whose warped mind thought of Uncle Veloo's Mutton Vindaloo. NO harm done, I'm sure most readers know it's me anyway or most probably they don't know who I am at all.

Those 2 ex bosses were great to work with. They, and my other ex boss DZI are my favourite ex bosses. Sadly Mr Belt & Braces died a couple of years ago. They told me he had a heart attack. I think he was assassinated by the fashion police.

When I was a teenager back for my summer holidays, I was out jogging at Taman Titiwangsa one day and a policeman (Daef's favourite people)stopped me & told me that it was against the law to wear the Tshirt I was wearing with the letters "FIT". You can imagine my confusion ... I am exercising, I would like to keep FIT right? So what's wrong with that?? He said "FIT" is some kind of slang for marijuana ... He told me not to wear it again. I thought he was going to tell me to take it off immediately - he looked serious enough! Can someone go out there and jog round the park with a Tshirt with the words "SWEAT" and see if you get accosted by la police?? God knows what hidden meanings "sweat" has.

ok gotta go now, I see a helicopter hovering outside my window - must be the CIA who have finally located me, no thanks to Art! Me thinks they wanna extraordinarily render me to one of their detention facilities for my take on Condoleezza Rice ... or it could be the International Mutton Vindaloo Society ...

art harun said...

Hahaha...sorry Anoo. My thesis on stupidity has rendered me stupid myself! And since I cannot edit my comment, I had to delete it!
Hope they have not managed to locate you, the Mullahs, the Police, the Nazis et al. Otherwise, you would be in a dungeon by now, stripped naked with the air conditioner at full blast and a jubah wearing moral nazi taking your pic. Phew...my bad!