Monday, December 24, 2007

In Defence of the Tailgater

I used to hate tailgaters. Their weaving from side to side used to annoy me; their flashing sometimes distracted me; their insistent presence and need to impress me of the urgency of their travel by arranging their front bumper to be as close as possible to my rear bumper at high speeds was, though an impressive display of driving skill, pissed me off all the same. And if that did not irk me enough, these people tended to drive cars that I will never be able to afford - you know, the ones you see in the magazine which talks about all its mouth watering and underwear wetting features without any discussion about the price. That's the one.

That hatred has gone with the introduction of a more intimate understanding of the tailgater and even now sees me celebrating the culture of tailgating. That's right, I now intend to justify the bastardly acts of some of the tailgating community and demonstrate that how they are necessary if not vital for the smooth running of the motor vehicle community.

Tailgaters are generally people who have an affinity for order. This is not just any order but an order that is reflective of your personality and lifestyle and how ones internal personal preference should be properly ordered in a communal space. For those who don't understand what I just wrote it basically means this: If you drive like a slow fuck, stay on the left lane and don't you dare spend even thirty seconds on the overtaking lane 'cos your ass is flashed. Tailgaters therefore are like antibodies of the fast lane that viciously and mercilessly expel those slow and ignorant drivers from the right lane. Another proposition can therefore be brought forth from this meditation: On the road, to be fast is to be right. You cannot be slow and right. If you are slow and on the right, you are wrong and deserve all the honking, flashing and disgusted filthy glances of the tailgater.

Tailgaters therefore render a service not just for the police in ensuring that the right lanes are used but also to the economy itself. Since time is money and driving slow is the loss of potential revenue, tailgaters in truth, ensuring that the wheels of economy keep turning at a faster rate. One would note that countries with no reported tailgaters tend to be failing economies (they also tend not to have cars, but thats beside the point).

Tailgaters also weed out the lazy drivers who stick to the right lane and drive below the speed limit because they are too lazy to switch lanes. Yes, despite the high degree of automation in driving a car, there are vile people who are too lazy to make the smallest of turns to the left to switch lanes. These are spawns of the ancient automotive vehicle god, Caroth, who have been sent to plague us. Though killing them does give one bonus points in heaven, I would not encourage that due to local laws - so please check your local listings (and let me know if your country doesn't have such a law, I plan to set up a second home there).

So dear tailgater - you are in the right. Feel no shame. Don't apologize. Now you have a written justification for it as well. Honk, flash and weave at will. Flash them that disgusted look, throw in a middle finger. The world depends on it. It's your right because you're fast. Only the fast and furious survive. Don't believe me? Check out the three movie franchises on the fast and furious. It's inevitable. So make the world a better place - tailgate.

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