Monday, April 9, 2007

Chapati Moments: Uncle Veloo's Den of Disrepute

**Caution: this posting should be read only by those above the age of 55 under the supervision of a U.S. military officer.**

Uncle Veloo is in his den of disrepute. His dungeon of depravity. He is the only person allowed to enter his den. It is at the basement of his restaurant.

This is where Uncle Veloo goes to indulge in his deepest, darkest, most depraved fantasies. This is where he goes to commit the act of Oo-nani. Actually the correct spelling is "Onani" but I like to give in to my unnatural preoccupation with double Os. Contrary to popular belief, Onani is not a Japanese folk dance. This seemingly sweet and innocent sounding word is in fact a Malay word describing the act of "whipping the willy" or "slapping the salami". Those of you who still don't get it, let me explain in a non food related and a less delicate manner - this is where Uncle Veloo goes to jerk off. Vous comprenez? If you still don't understand it, please go away and read something else more useful. I recommend "Is there life in Mars" written by Tom Cruise under the auspices of the Church of Scientology.

At the far end of the den lies his pi├Ęce de r├ęsistance, his ultimate instrument of pleasure - his Bang Olufsen 42" plasma telly with its kick-ass surround sound system.

Uncle Veloo is comfortably ensconced in his favourite Ligne Roset couch in front of his instrument of pleasure. This is where he would stroke Mootoo to the heights of ecstasy, indulging in his most decadent, debauched fantasies whilst watching ... no, no,.. people..., not the latest Indian porn movie "Pappadam Pooshpa and Her Hot Pussy Galore", with music by Akon complete with a rap collaboration with Snoop Dog. Indian porn movies are not quite Uncle Veloo's cuppa Massala tea. Those sort of movies are for woosies. Uncle Veloo goes for the really serious hard core stuff.

In the dark, dank corner of his den, Uncle Veloo wanks off whilst watching ... (brace yourself) ... CNN. To him, it is better than watching any porn movie. There is sooo much depravity in it and people complain about MTV. MTV is nothing compared to CNN. CNN is the real stuff - made for real men like him. Total machismo. The Alpha male. He loves to watch the Americans on CNN fuck the world, advertise it on CNN and get away with it scot free.

He sees the latest American adventure, the invasion of Iraq, as nothing more than a sex expedition by the United States military forces to carry out their most depraved, disgusting, diabolical sexual fantasies. Never has there been a more depraved, degenerate, barbaric, debauched, malevolent creature as the United States military and their Coalition forces, turning Iraq into a veritable Sodom & Gomorrah (no pun intended to the late Saddam). Where else can these diaboliques carry out their most heinous sexual escapades and get away with it without even a rap on the knuckles ... buggering 6 year old boys whilst their mates cheer them on and film the entire sordid despicable episode? How Uncle Veloo wish he could get his hands on those videos. How Uncle Veloo wish that he could join the Americans in their sexpedition in Iraq. He has turned his den into a mini Abu Ghraib. He has folders & folders of pictures of prisoners being tortured by the American soldiers. Naked prisoners smeared with faeces. Oh... these Americans, they really know how to enjoy themselves. Only they know and share his deep passion for the act of domination and submission. Only they know the pleasure derived from subjugating defenseless people. The pleasure of terrorising women and children. Letchoomi thinks that he fantasises about deflowering young virgins - she is way off the mark. That is the very tip of the iceberg. It is about subjugation, dominance and power. One cannot blame Letchoomi for her miscalculations, her exposure is only to MTV. She does not watch CNN and therefore cannot fathom the depths of his perversion. Only members of the U.S. Army and Coalition Forces can understand it. It is beyond you & I. We do not have the capacity to sink to such low levels to comprehend this kind of sickness.

Uncle Veloo is avidly watching CNN to catch a glimpse of his heroes Dick Cheney and George Bush. Dick & Bush - such apt names for the world's ultimate porn stars. "We Fuck the World" is their motto and "Big Guns" their first porn production. Oomigosh... Uncle Veloo sits up, erect in attention on his red Ligne Roset couch, gobstruck - his fantasy dreamgirl is on the screen - all 42" of it - he is almost in tears, emotional at the sight of the woman who has shared all his wet dreams. The sexiest woman alive. He has an entire scrapbook filled with newspaper & magazine cuttings of her. He concentrates intensely as she speaks, following the movement of those luscious full lips, he imagines those sexy lips encircling Mootoo, coaxing him into submission. This woman is his ultimate dream. He imagines her in Halle Berry style tight black PVC catsuit, standing on his naked trembling body in her red six inch pointed stilettos, digging a sharp stiletto into his nipple, sinking into his flesh, drawing blood ... whilst shouting obscenities at him, using a long dressage whip to whip Mootoo as he screams in agony and begs for mercy.

He imagines her crouching over his face, urinating on it, forcing his mouth open with the butt of her whip, the warm yellow liquid splattering on his face, some trickling into his open mouth, the salty warm liquid flowing down his throat - just as the American soldiers urinate on their Iraqi prisoners in Abu Ghraib. Aaah, such joy, he cries out in pain & pleasure. No, it is not Angelina Jolie whose lips he imagines around Mootoo, crouching over his face and pissing on him as the United States are pissing on the rest of the world, it is none other than ... Condoleeza Rice...

Whilst mere mortals jerk off to pictures of Anna Nicole Smith (dead or alive) and Pam Anderson in their Penthouse/Playboy magazines, Uncle Veloo jerks off to pictures of Condoleeza Rice in Jane's Defence and Time Magazine. He loves her cold hard beauty, her harsh sadistic cruelty turns him on. He fantasises her on all fours, doing the bidding of her white masters, Dick & Bush, whilst they urge her on "Take it all in bitch". How he admires them. These are people who have legalised torture in their country and get away with it. These are people who coerce other people to submit to the United Nations and yet they themselves refuse to submit to the jurisdiction of the International Criminal Court and therefore avoid being held accountable for all the atrocities they have committed around the world. These are the people who breach every provision in the Geneva Conventions with impunity. They have managed to seduce Britain and Australia to be their ever-ready and ever-willing perennial butt boys with Blair & John Howard perfecting the art of rimming George Bush. If you don't understand what "rimming" means, please go to Frangipani on Friday nite and politely ask one of their patrons to demonstrate on you. It would be considerate to wash first before you go there.

Yes, yes, yes, aaah... Uncle Veloo loooves CNN. There is so sooo much filth in it corrupting our minds, why worry about MTV messing up our kids' minds? Uncle Veloo lies on his bright red Ligne Roset couch, totally subjugated and humiliated, utterly spent, utterly exhausted, utterly satisfied, still hearing Condoleeza Rice screaming obscenities at him:
"America the Benevolent! We bring freedom & democracy to the World." she screams over & over again to the background music of Boney M's "By the Rivers of Babylon" in her tight black PVC catsuit and her red pointed stilettos.

Are you feeling sick to the gut right now? Has Uncle Veloo's fantasies made you nauseous? Do you think I am facetious, making light of a serious matter? Have I pushed your boundaries of tolerance, of acceptable behaviour, of acceptable writing? Have I made you sick and ashamed to read this piece of smut? Where do you draw the line in your level of tolerance on acceptable behaviour? Have I not convinced you that Uncle Veloo and his family are entitled to their freedom of expression, freedom to exploit their sexual fantasies at whatever cost? No? I have not? Shame on me. I have not managed to do what CNN and the United States government and the likes of Rupert Murdoch have so easily managed to do with their manipulation of the world's minds. The constant filth filtering through your TV screens and your mass media, pushing your boundaries daily to accept the brutality exercised by the United States on a group of defenseless people, pilfering their countries' assets, immersing us in their cesspool of debauchery and we find this acceptable. "Many governments torture clandestinely, but Bush's administration is the only government to claim the power to abuse detainees as a matter of official policy" said Kenneth Roth of the Human Rights Watch in the Financial Times. And we find this acceptable behaviour. Is it acceptable that the United States is shoving their brand of democracy up the world's arse?

Likewise, I am stuffing Chapati Moments down your throats. If I do not succeed in drawing you within, to examine your levels of tolerance and acceptance on what you read and what you watch on telly then I have failed. What is acceptable human behaviour to you? Ask yourselves this. Then switch on the news and realise the obscene lies being thrown at you on a daily basis, fucking up your mind.

Wake up and smell the Massala tea.

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