Wednesday, April 11, 2007

The Indecent Online Proposal

There are times when even the most vigorous and extreme exercise of one's imagination cannot better those moments fashioned unplanned in real life. The best fiction therefore sometimes comes from history. Despite my rather intense hetrosexuality and frequent declarations of it, ever since I was in secondary school, I have been chatted up by homosexual men.

My first chat up happened in my teens when I was at Tower Records at Picadilly Circus in London one summer wearing one of those short short pants that I liked to wear with my big ass geeky glasses that almost took up half my head. Anyway, I was flipping through some compact discs in a rack somewhere when a tall thin smiling mat salleh approached me with a look of fascination about him. After pretending a while to browse the CDs near me, he turned to me and told me that I wore a beautiful set of glasses. Perhaps things may have been different if I shared his opinion but I was convinced my glasses were ugly and geeky. Naturally when confronted with this completely opposite apprisal of my glasses, I knew he was bullshitting me although at that time I did not quite understand why. We talked for a while about my glasses and he asked me where I was from, where I studied until I felt he seemed a little too interested in me. It wasn't in anything he said but more form the way he felt. The almost imperceptible forward lean, the smile that strained at the edges and eyes that seemd a little too bright. I made my excuse and left him to wander the store until I later met my parents and told them all about that man rounding of my account with my impressions of him. My mother, always one to give her opinion straight up, smiled and explained to me that he was gay and was probably trying to chat me up. And that was my first direct encounter.

My later ones were not terribly interesting or notable until the latest one. This for me has got to be one of the ultimate chat ups as far as I'm concerned. It happened one evening when I was finishing up some work in the office when I was added as a contact by someone named 'GAY' on Skype. So it was completely unexpected and though one can expect to get chatted up in a chatroom, in my experience it is quite rare for me to be called upon to chat with someone out of the blue. And one thing I have to admire about him is his persistence. Normally when I tell a guy that I'm a guy online, that pretty much ends the conversation. And let me also state that I am not in favour of publishing chat histories, but the sheer novelty and hilarity value of this conversation far outweighs the prejudice to the guy who chat me up who anyway remains gay. No part of the conversation has been edited for maximum reading pleasure. I have also taken the liberty of translating those portions where I feel translation is needed literally to better understand the converastion for anybody who doesn't understand Malay.

17:39:20] GAY says: i

[17:39:37] Daef says: i

[17:39:46] GAY says: aku ini gay (i am gay)

[17:39:53] GAY says: pandai isap (clever suck)

[17:40:01] Daef says: oh... you bukan awek lah (oh... you not a chicklah)

[17:40:07] GAY says: bukan (no)

[17:40:13] GAY says: saya pandai isap (I good at sucking)

[17:40:15] Daef says: oh, not interested

[17:40:35] GAY says: oktakkan x nak try (okay, cannot be don't want to try)

[17:40:36] GAY says: sedap (taste good/tasty)

[17:40:52] Daef says: tahu sedap tapi dari laki not my thang dude (I know its good but from a guy, not my thang dude)

[18:05:50] GAY says: try ler sekali (try ler once)

[18:06:09] Daef says: tak naklah (don't want lah)

[18:06:14] Daef says: just not into guy and guy action

[18:06:21] Daef says: I'm a pussy lover

[18:06:25] GAY says: kesianler sama aku (take pity on me ler)

[18:06:32] GAY says: betul aku pandai isap (really, i suck good)

[18:06:42] Daef says: kalau you pandai sangat takde hal cari orang lain kan? (if you are so good at sucking then you should not have any problems finding someone else)

[18:07:02] GAY says: susah nak cari orang (it's hard to find people)

[18:07:21] Daef says: lah... betul ke ni (lah... true or not)

[18:07:31] Daef says: nampak engkau tu ada 1199 contact (looks like you have 1199 contacts)

[18:07:39] Daef says: mesti ada sorang tu nak u hisap kan dia (sure got someone there who will want to suck you)

[18:08:24] GAY says: betul (true)

[18:08:29] GAY says: takada seorang pun (not one person)

[18:08:58] Daef says: sorry lah dude... kalau u awek, i dah memang sudi terima tawaran hebat tu (sorry lah dude ... if you are a chick, I will definitely accept your great offer)

[18:09:09] Daef says: tapi… (but)

[18:09:48] GAY says: kesianler kat aku (take pity on me)

[18:09:56] GAY says: saya lama juga tak isap (I have not sucked in a long time)

[18:10:06] GAY says: takkan x ada hati (cannot have no heart)

[18:10:17] GAY says: tolong ler (help ler)

[18:10:29] GAY says: sekaliler (once only)

[18:13:09] GAY says: apa dia (what is it?)

[18:13:20] GAY says: saya mau offline (i want offline)

[18:13:24] Daef says: aku kesian memang... dan ada hati tapi i memang tak suka lah (I pity you really... and I have a heart but I don't like it)

[18:13:25] Daef says: sorilah

[18:13:31] Daef says: guys just not my thing

[18:13:43] Daef says: kalau i tahu, i bagi tau (If i know [find somone], I let you know)

[18:14:48] GAY says: u jangan tengok aku ini guy (you don't look at me as a guy)

[18:15:02] GAY says: u ingat rasa orang isapler (you think of who want to suck you)

[18:15:04] Daef says: takleh lah... porno laki ngan laki pun i tak tahan (cannot lah... guy on guy porn also I cannot take)

[18:15:12] GAY says: kesian ler kat aku (take pity on me ler)

[18:15:23] Daef says: bukan tak kesian dude, memang kesian tapi takleh tolonglah (not that I don't pity you dude, I really do but I cannot help)

[18:15:29] GAY says: u bagi i isap je, cukup (you let me suck only, enough)

[18:15:37] Daef says: sorry man

[18:15:46] GAY says: kalau kau ada hati memang u , tolong aku (if you had a heart, you would help me)

[18:15:48] Daef says: kalau nak sangat, guna lah pisang besar ke (if you need it so much, use a big banana lah)

[18:15:57] Daef says: aku ada konek dan hati beb but not for you (I got a cock and heart babe but not for you)

[18:16:02] GAY says: aku cakap serius (I speak seriously)

[18:16:06] GAY says: ok bye (Asshole! Give you free blow also don't want!)


art harun said...


Shanmuga K said...

Aiyah .. "DAEF" fess up, lah.. that's not "true" fiction but just 'fiction' - You would have taken him [up on the offer]...

(PS Unlike all you people, I'm not using some cheesy web alterego, because a friend of mine called Farito who used to go on and on about people who used pseudonyms being cowardly custards not worth the web space they wrote in, so I have hearkened to his wise words. You should too, "DAEF")

(And this blog does not allow anonymous comments ... WTF?????)

hazwanis said...

ewwwww..i just cant stop laughing
hahahhaha ;)

the Anomaly said...

oomigod hilarious!!! how could you string him along & tease him like that?? just direct him to Frangipani lah. thanks for the translation - wouldn't have understood half of it or else. love the bit about the short shorts, geeky glasses & your mum's unperturbed comments!