Chapati Moments: Flight of the Condi

Uncle Veloo has escaped to his sanctuary - his den. There was a ruckus at home, something about his prodigal son bonking the maid Rajustahoari. He stepped into the hallway and heard his wife screaming hysterically at the maid telling her to leave the house.

Sigh... there goes his Thursday morning blow jobs. Thursday morning is when Auntie Roopah goes to the temple. He didn't realise this enterprising maid was also servicing his son Koomar. Not that he blames Koomar - he's probably getting no action from his cold uppity wife. Serves him right for marrying that cold materialistic Singaporean Chinese sooper bitch against their wishes. What does his son see in that pale, skinny woman with a bony arse and no boobs? Why does she need to walk around the house in that skimpy spaghetti strap top when she has no boobs to show? It puts him off his mutton vindaloo having to look at this emaciated creature at the dinner table. Bob Geldof should use her for his next Live Aid event. She looks like she just stepped out of a Prada advert. Prada is very fond of using jaundiced anorexic looking models to advertise their products. Perhaps you will look like that after you paid so much money for a nylon handbag. They look like Holocaust victims. Now Koomar is caught with a hot blooded earthy sweaty Indian woman who is all tits and arse. "That's my son!" Uncle Veloo thinks to himself. He was beginning to think that Koomar is gay when he brought home that skinny little runt.

Uncle Veloo tries to calm down in front of his Bang Olufsen telly, sprawled out on his favourite vermillion red Ligne Roset couch. Sigh... such bliss. He is not watching his favourite channel CNN. He has discovered a local channel with an offbeat news programme called "Toade News". Today they are interviewing his Goddess - Condoleezza Rice.

Condi: My assistant didn't tell me anything about this interview. I thought I came here for a facial. Why are you hounding me at a spa?

Chief Toade: It's our modus operandi to catch people at their most relaxed.

Condi: Hmm.. good tactic, I must remember that. (She makes a note in her BlackBerry). We usually use torture to get our information but a spa is pretty similar except that it smells nicer. Your crew look a bit green, in fact they look barely human - more like frogs.

Chief Toade: It must be the seaweed mask they applied earlier - on the house.

Condi: Ok, lets start then before my face mask dries up.

Chief Toade: We'd like to ask you about your, or rather the United States', "extraordinary rendition" programme.

Condi: My what?? What about it? Is it any of your business?

Chief Toade: The U.S. has captured and kidnapped over 7000 people across the globe and only 700 are in Guantanamo Bay. Where are the rest of them?

Condi: 700 ... 7000 why argue over semantics? It's just another zero.

Chief Toade: There is a big difference between 700 and 7000. We feel that the 700 in Guantanamo Bay are small fries and unimportant prisoners whom you keep there in their orange overalls to distract the world from asking where the other 6000+ people have disappeared to. Guantanamo Bay is just a decoy. Your more important prisoners are kept in secret prisons across the Middle East and Eastern Europe.

Condi: Hmm.. you are not such a dumb blonde as I first thought. They are "detainees" not "prisoners".

Chief Toade: Your prisoners who have disappeared are sent to the CIA's secret prisons in countries like Romania and Uzbekistan where they are known to torture these people by boiling them alive.

Condi: I wish you would get your terminology right. They are "detention facilities" not "prisons"! And we do not torture people, we use "enhanced interrogation techniques". We cannot dictate to other countries what they are allowed to cook and eat! If they want to boil them and eat them, what can we do about it?

Chief Toade: We have reports of numerous secret CIA flights leased from Jeppeson, the subsidiary of Boeing, to transport shackled prisoners to these countries known as "black sites" and that you are keeping Abu Zubaydah and Khalid Sheikh Mohammed in a CIA secret prison in Poland where they are brutally tortured. The U.S. is practising Machivellianism with their strategy of cunning, deceitfulness, mercilessness and ruthlessness.

Condi: Listen here Goldilocks, you should know not to enter other people's houses and eat their porridge. Especially not the house of a powerful angry bear. Anyway, we don't use the word "black" anymore - it's politically incorrect.Chief Toade (unperturbed by the underlying threat) : There are rumours that you are having an affair with President Bush and British Prime Minister Blair.

Condi (giggles like a schoolgirl): Really? I've never heard that one before...It's nice to hear that people are saying some nice things about me occasionally. At least the public thinks I have a sex life and that men find me attractive. I don't think you should give up your day job. You're not very good at this chat show thing - flitting from one topic to another without any particular agenda.

Chief Toade: The Council of Europe has evidence that NATO signed an agreement with the U.S. that allowed civilian jets used by the CIA during its so-called extraordinary rendition programme to move across member states' airspace. These planes have landed at airports in Timisoara, Romania and Szymany, Poland - many of them leaving from Kabul in Afghanistan, Dubai in United Arab Emirates and Rabat in Morocco.

Condi: What do I know about flight routes etc? It must be your AirAsia with their "Now every Fuck can Fly for 30 cents" motto. Anyway, what's it to you if we have put a few thousand people, whom we have swept up at random from across the globe, on our frequent flier programme. We are giving them the opportunity to travel free. You guys are so short sighted, you just can't see the big picture. We are bringing democracy to the world.

Chief Toade: How does one "instal" democracy at gunpoint? Doesn't it go against the very basis of democracy? Especially when it is imposed by an outside party, like what you are purporting to do with Iraq.

Condi: As usual you don't get the big picture and are bogged down by semantics. The installation of democracy by whatever means is justified. The end justifies the means. These savages cannot be left to their own devices to rule themselves. They will end up killing each other. So it's better that we kill them instead as we have the firepower to do so. 'If we cannot win the war, we will drag half the world into the abyss with us'.

Chief Toade: I think Adolf Hitler said that - your last sentence. It's strange but I grew up believing that democracy reflects the advancement and maturity of the society and civilisation that practises it. The U.S has succeeded in eroding this widespread belief in the past 10 years with its intrusive foreign policy in the name of democracy. People has lost faith in the U.S. and Britain as benevolent nation and they are beginning to lose faith in the United Nations as an independent body which they can rely on.

Condi: You just fail to understand our approach to civilise the world. It is better to instil great fear in them in order to control and govern them. We kill as many as we can get away with, blame it on the "terrorists" which are basically our own men acting under cover to create a sectarian warfare. Then we establish ourselves there, set up our schools and universities ...et voila... their children will grow up eating MacDonalds, speaking with an American accent, dancing to hip hop music, wearing bling blings and P.Diddy or whatever his name is now will be their icon. They will grow up thinking they are American without us having to grant them as any rights as an American. Look at our success story - Hawaii. Iraqi's should be greeting our soldiers with garlands of flowers. Vietnam was a lost cause - those slit-eyed savages running around in black pyjamas still insisted on eating rice. There was nothing we could do to persuade them otherwise. Even when we spread that Agent Orange in their air, they were still resistant.

Chief Toade: That Agent Orange you sprayed on them caused massive deaths and deformity. At least 3 million people were affected. The U.S. soldiers used the Vietnamese babies and children as target practise.

Condi: Our boys can shoot anything they want to outside our country. Let them have some fun. Those people already look deformed. Nobody can tell the difference from their looks before and after Agent Orange. By the way, you look rather pale. Is there no sunshine in your country? Why don't you get yourself a healthy tan like mine?

Chief Toade: Oh, I thought you were born that colour.

Condi: Of course not! I am not a descendant of a black slave! Which part of me looks black to you?

Chief Toade: I never mentioned the word "black" or "slave" - you did! I'm from the School of Oriental and African Studies. I know not to make politically incorrect statements.

Condi: What kind of off beat school is that? I have never heard of it. Well I am not coloured and neither am I a half breed like that Obama fella - pretending to be more white than the whites. I hate these born again Christians.

Chief Toade: Why is it that you are unable to locate, capture and kill Osama bin Laden and Zarqawi given your extensive intelligence network and the fact that you have managed to capture 7000 "terrorists" and made them disappear from the face of the earth - including Osama's driver and the grandson of Osama's kindergarten teacher. In fact you have even kidnapped the 12 year old and 15 year old sons of the person you suspect was involved in the 9/11 attacks. Where are they? If reports are correct, Osama has serious kidney problems and requires regular dialysis treatment. It it true that Osama was receiving dialysis treatment at an American hospital in Pakistan during the week of the 9/11 attacks and he was visited regularly by a known CIA agent?

Condi: 9/11! Why do you people keep flogging that already dead horse. Your information is inaccurate. Osama was in an American hospital in Dubai in July 2001, 2 months before 9/11, recovering from dialysis treatment. He was back in hospital one day before 9/11 - in a military hospital in Rawalpindi, Pakistan, receiving kidney dialysis treatment. Pakistan is our ally and informs us of his movements. 9/11 has served its purpose in scaring our taxpayers to OK our overseas operations. Who gives a fuck about those few people who died at the twin towers? They are collateral damage - just like the one million Iraqis we have killed since we attacked them in 2003. Even before that we have managed to cause the death of 500 000 Iraqi children with our harsh sanctions, just like we are killing the Palestinian children now. And we let the UN take the blame for it. Collective Responsibility, you know. How can they try us for war crimes & genocide when they are a party to it. Heehee.

Chief Toade: Has anyone ever told you that you are EVIL?

Condi: Hmm, not lately but it's nice to receive compliments once in a while. Thank you. I worked hard to get where I am today and not many people are appreciative of my sacrifices. It is nice to be acknowledged publicly like this especially on telly and from someone who is from that backward little country like yours. I am impressed. Malaysia ... where is it again?

Chief Toade: It's in between Thailand and Singapore.

Condi: Oh yes, now I recall. Singapore. We have our naval base there you know. The Israelis also have a base there. We are doing a time sharing concept there as its too small to accommodate 2 bases. Friendly little people those Singaporeans. We are trying to wean them off rice you know. Its succeeding. They have a good leader there - that Minister Lee or what's-his-name the slit-eyed old fart who won't die and let his son run the country. Now that's what democracy is about! Singapore. Actually this has been quite a pleasant discourse. I can see that you understand and appreciate our motives and agenda. My avocado mask is caking up now so we better end this interview. I have a pomegranate body scrub scheduled after this. You are not so dim as I initially thought you were. I can see some light flicker in there. Are you sure you are Malaysian? You don't look like the rice-eating masses.

Chief Toade: I'm of Arab descent.

Condi: OH! So you are connected to Osama bin Laden then!

Chief Toade: I've never met him in my life! I am Malaysian! In fact my granduncle, or greatuncle as some people call it, was our first Prime Minister who won our independence from the British in 1957.

Condi: Aaah, I see... you come from a family of terrorists. They always call themselves "freedom fighters", you know. That's just some hip name for "terrorists".

Chief Toade: There was no bloodshed.Condi: That makes you even more dangerous. Winning independence without any bloodshed. He must have used a lot of cunning and guile. But anyway these British are such wimps. I wouldn't sleep with any of them, you know. They have no staying power. They withdraw at a most inconvenient time. I had a suspicion you were an Al Qaeda member. Now you have confessed and confirmed it. This green-look your crew is sporting is in fact army guerilla camouflage. Huh, you can't fool me. Be prepared for a long package holiday in the dungeons of Romania!

Uncle Veloo's screen went fuzzy for a few seconds, then the words "Siaran Tergendala Sebentar" appeared on the screen. Uncle Veloo lets out a scream of extreme frustration. This is by far the most riveting TV news he has ever seen. His Goddess in the Raw. In this rare exposure. Being candid about her life and her thoughts. And these people are Malaysians! Yeah! Malaysia Boleh! Such strange looking Malaysian though. In fact they are strange looking humans. They look somewhat amphibian. Must be some tribe from East Malaysia. He has never been there but he reckons they might look slightly amphibian. Perhaps with a hint of gills at the side of the cheeks.

Uncle Veloo already had multiple orgasms whilst watching Condi in the raw on telly. I know that they say it's impossible for men to have multiple orgasms but as I said before - anything goes with that Uncle Veloo. Unfortunately, just jerking off is not enough in his height of extreme excitement. He needs to inflict some cruelty on someone. If the price is right, his maid Rajustahoari would allow him to whip her occasionally. She charges by the hour, just like lawyers. Except that where lawyers are concerned, they are the ones inflicting pain on you when you get their bill. And you derive no pleasure at all, of the orgasmic sort, engaging their services.

He rushes home, hoping perhaps his wife might oblige in a spot of flogging. She has been behaving strangely these days. He suspects she has become a part time Christian. Sigh, whatever. As long as she doesn't turn into a Moslem and slaughter cows once a year. They'd be having beef vindaloo, the Gods forbid! He has no qualms indulging in her foray into the Christian world.

He found that Rajustahoari had already left the house and in her place, his wife had engaged the services of a strapping young black lad. She says he is from Chagos Islands. Uncle Veloo blinks in confusion. Where and how did she find a replacement so fast? This boy looks kinda sexy. Uncle Veloo wondered if he would agree to participate in an afternoon of sado masochism. Perhaps he could be made to bugger his wife in front of him. Uncle Veloo's happiness is restored. The possibilities are endless now. But where the bloody fuck is Chagos Islands?